Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

I am an attorney and I have an extremely demanding job. Do avoid working weekends I often am working until 12-1am on weeknights. My 12yr old DD(who is a night owl as well) gets very upset if she asks me at 7pm last min to run to target for poster board and I tell her I can't or wants to go to a friend's house after dance practice and me to pick her up at 8pm and it just isn't possible. I spend my entire weekend running the kids do various activities, special outings, play dates. I just can't make it work all the time in the evenings. She has become very passive aggressive lately saying things like "I was going to ask you if can eat dinner at __ place but it's pointless since you'll say no." The problem is she always tells me these things last minute, we only have 1 car, and I have 2 young boys as well. I don't always say no but I just can't always accommodate these weekday requests.

[Anonymous]

Why would you work those hours if you have kids?
Why have THREE kids?
Where is your spouse in this?

[Anonymous]

Are you the mom or dad?

[Anonymous]

Attorney mom here -- do what you can to accommodate the requests. Believe me, she will be gone before you know it and you will miss the time with her so much that your heart will ache about it. And it's WAY more important than that memo, or brief, or conference call, or what have you. Legal work expands or contracts to fill available time. I actually spent a lot of time with my DCs despite working like a maniac for years -- and never said no, that I can recall, to a direct request to go to dinner or Staples for school supplies or such -- but I know that my work put a damper on the requests, there were times when I was on the blackberry or iphone incessantly at Staples or dinner, and I have had to travel extensively at times for work. So wish I had some of that time back. There is nothing more important than your kids. Obviously you have to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, but if they want time with you - make it happen.... Because they won't want it soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Where did you go OP?
I think the OP is being secretive and coy about whether he his the mom or dad. I think it's trollish.

[Anonymous]

You've set your priorities, and she knows where she falls. I'm also curious to know where the other parent is in this, and why that parent can't do these things for her. After all, if you're working those kinds of hours, you sure as hell had better be sufficiently well compensated to afford a second car so that everyone else in the family isn't held hostage to your work schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you go OP?
I think the OP is being secretive and coy about whether he his the mom or dad. I think it's trollish.

I don't think it's a problem for OP not to disclose their gender and get into a bunch of stereotypes, but I think the fact that OP posted but then isn't engaging further signals the level of OP's interest in actually having a better relationship with his/her daughter as opposed to just whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you go OP?
I think the OP is being secretive and coy about whether he his the mom or dad. I think it's trollish.

I don't think it's a problem for OP not to disclose their gender and get into a bunch of stereotypes, but I think the fact that OP posted but then isn't engaging further signals the level of OP's interest in actually having a better relationship with his/her daughter as opposed to just whining.

I think more insight about the home environment would be helpful. Is the spouse home more? I think OP started this thread for the purpose of having us believe she is a mom, then later will come out as the dad and call it sexist,

[Anonymous]

Interesting that OP posted and immediately disappeared.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I didn't disappear, I was getting school stuff ready for my youngest. I really try not to say no, and if my husband can take her he will, but he does travel(attorney as well) several times a month, and when he is gone, it's hard for me to load everyone in the car at 7pm to take her target. I truly try and spend as much one-on-one time with her as I can, I already have my youngest in daycare until 6:30 just so I can take her to her dance lessons. I am stretched thin and she flips out when I tell her no and starts going on and on how she never gets to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I didn't disappear, I was getting school stuff ready for my youngest. I really try not to say no, and if my husband can take her he will, but he does travel(attorney as well) several times a month, and when he is gone, it's hard for me to load everyone in the car at 7pm to take her target. I truly try and spend as much one-on-one time with her as I can, I already have my youngest in daycare until 6:30 just so I can take her to her dance lessons. I am stretched thin and she flips out when I tell her no and starts going on and on how she never gets to do anything.

What made you decide to have three kids?
Neither one of you scaled back?

[Anonymous]

Have you considered she has a point. Get a second car and get in someone to help you. She also needs 1-1 time with her parents. It may not so much be about target, but the time she spends with you going or even driving her to a friends house.

[Anonymous]

OP, lots of attorneys are on this board. My spouse and I are both lawyers that work full time at firms. We have a nanny and we generally make it work. I do get really aggravated by the "Oh, you need to go out tonight to get supplies for X that is due tomorrow." That is not what I want to be doing at 10 pm at night after the kids goes to bed (and is not always even possible, depending on what you need).

If OP is not a troll and is real, I do wonder why he or she can't do the late night work at home. That's what we do -- take it home and use your firm's VPN to work remotely. You're not really having in-the-office meetings at 11 p.m on a regular basis, are you?

Is part of the issue that you take the only car to work? If so, that seems ridiculous. We use bus/metro to get into work, and our nanny has the car to do those pickups and drop offs.

But the larger lesson may be that a it is not uncommon for a 12 year old girl to have unreasonable expectations. And expecting you to drop everything and run out to do some last minute errand for her is probably unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

If you've both chosen to have demanding careers that require you to work long hours and/or travel in the evenings so that you can't be engaged with your family, you need to figure something else out. That doesn't mean every whim of hers should be satisfied, but it also shouldn't be that your kids know they cannot rely on their parents to be there during the week. Whether it's getting a second car to make it easier to have someone present when the kids need something, or getting a nanny who can work into the evening to help you with their needs at that point, or someone scaling back at work, it's pretty lousy to decide to have kids (especially that many) and then both of you check out on parenting them until the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Look at it from her perspective: she can't do anything after school for FIVE DAYS IN A ROW. That's a long time when you're 12ish. Why don't you arrange to chat with her right before you're leaving work and is she going to need anything. You have to train her to think this way. Also keep in mind that going out at night, just with you, in the car, - that's a bonding moment for her.

Your daughter needs you, and this is her way of asking you for her emotional needs to be met. Maybe once a week you need to say yes instead of saying no. Your priority needs to be your children, not your job.