Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I didn't disappear, I was getting school stuff ready for my youngest. I really try not to say no, and if my husband can take her he will, but he does travel(attorney as well) several times a month, and when he is gone, it's hard for me to load everyone in the car at 7pm to take her target. I truly try and spend as much one-on-one time with her as I can, I already have my youngest in daycare until 6:30 just so I can take her to her dance lessons. I am stretched thin and she flips out when I tell her no and starts going on and on how she never gets to do anything.

OP, how long do you think it's going to last that you can just stick your youngest into daycare longer when you need to run the older one around? You probably don't have very long until it's two and then three needs with needs in the evening, so you need to start figuring out a plan for that.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you set aside some time once a week for her to run errands? Or take one weeknight a week to go out to eat and let the kids pick the restaurant? If you can't do a last minute run, why don't you tell her when you can go, like if you can't go out at 8 for poster board, tell her you'll take her on your way home the next day or whenever it will happen. You could set aside 20 minutes each evening after the other kids are in bed to play a board game or video game, or watch a tv show on Netflix with her (after commercials are skipped they're around 20-22 minutes). If she wants time, give it to her before she stops wanting it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you go OP?
I think the OP is being secretive and coy about whether he his the mom or dad. I think it's trollish.

I don't think it's a problem for OP not to disclose their gender and get into a bunch of stereotypes, but I think the fact that OP posted but then isn't engaging further signals the level of OP's interest in actually having a better relationship with his/her daughter as opposed to just whining.

PP again. OP, you're really not changing my impression on this so far. What are you looking to get out of this thread?

[Anonymous]

I think you AND your husband should look at more family friendly jobs. You are sacrificing your time with your youngest so your oldest can do activities. What about the middle kid? I mean, it's great you and DH are big time lawyers, but at what cost?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

First OP and her husband have to commit to that one evening a week. It's not clear to me that OP and her husband are willing to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Sound reasonable on paper, but real life doesn't work this way for the kid or a lawyer. That one set aside day will inevitably be the day when XYZ client matters blow up and OP will have to say no anyway. And 12 year olds forget things, and other kids will try to make plans last minute even if OP tries to make her daughters' friends fit her schedule.

This is the reality for lawyers in firms. You need someone else on call to be the "doer" for your kids. This is also why there are a lot of people who used to be lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Sound reasonable on paper, but real life doesn't work this way for the kid or a lawyer. That one set aside day will inevitably be the day when XYZ client matters blow up and OP will have to say no anyway. And 12 year olds forget things, and other kids will try to make plans last minute even if OP tries to make her daughters' friends fit her schedule.

This is the reality for lawyers in firms. You need someone else on call to be the "doer" for your kids. This is also why there are a lot of people who used to be lawyers.

Agreed. I know some people who make it work with two big law parents, but they also have a team of nannies to cover everything, including the evening Target runs, so that their kids' needs don't fall through the cracks. You can't have two people working those hours, cheap out on standard daycare hours and one car, and expect that there won't be consequences to that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a SAHM of school going kids. I think no parent or any caregiver should feel guilty about turning down a last minute request to run to the store for project supplies at night.

Usually ample time is given by teachers to complete a project and students should learn not to procrastinate as well as plan better. Weekend is completely appropriate time to shop for supplies. One can also shop at Amazon and order project supplies and can get it in 2 days. I buy extra supplies during back to school sales and usually have extra supplies of commonly used supplies.

I suspect that your child needs more attention and time from you and the things that she is complaining about is not really the crux of the problem. Your lack of time with her is. She is missing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Sound reasonable on paper, but real life doesn't work this way for the kid or a lawyer. That one set aside day will inevitably be the day when XYZ client matters blow up and OP will have to say no anyway. And 12 year olds forget things, and other kids will try to make plans last minute even if OP tries to make her daughters' friends fit her schedule.

This is the reality for lawyers in firms. You need someone else on call to be the "doer" for your kids. This is also why there are a lot of people who used to be lawyers.

Agreed. I know some people who make it work with two big law parents, but they also have a team of nannies to cover everything, including the evening Target runs, so that their kids' needs don't fall through the cracks. You can't have two people working those hours, cheap out on standard daycare hours and one car, and expect that there won't be consequences to that.

This. DH and I have demanding jobs but we stagger our hours, have a full time nanny even though the kids are in school full time, never travel at the same time and attend important school/kid events . We also decided not to have a 3rd because it the system would have completely failed. Your lifestyle doesn't sound sustainable given the choices you made so you and DH should revaluate and see what can be done bring some more balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Dissent. It may be decent dissent, but I think you mean dissent.

[Anonymous]

If you're both attorneys, you an afford another car. Why havent' you bought one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Dissent. It may be decent dissent, but I think you mean dissent.

Its a steep descent from being an anonymous commentator to being a grammar/vocabulary Nazi!!

[Anonymous]

Could you get an au pair? You could cut down on the length of th daycare day for your youngest that way as well. She could stay with the younger kids while you give a little more attention to your oldest. My husband travels for work as well and it is the only way to make our schedules manageable.

[Anonymous]

So if your house has two jobs like that, hire someone to take the pressure off the tasks.

Then sort out that your kid is clearly saying she wants more time with you. Nothing passive aggressive here -she is being quite direct.

I did tell my dad at that age that if I had my choice it would be for more of his time and less money. You don't have to choose this kind of job -- you have the skills for something les pressured and remunerative. You are making a choice so own it.