Young adult with special needs flashed his penis to my 4 YO daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hate posts like yours. Basically you want absolution for the crappy thing you feel justified in doing. Guess what -- you can't simultaneously get a young special needs man imprisoned or institutionalized AND be the good guy AND not have his parents lawyer up on you. If you want him to be "better supervised" (what do you even think you mean by that?) by all means press charges. You can even file a civil suit. But don't come here expecting to be absolved of guilt.

She has said repeatedly that she doesn't want him arrested.

She has also said she doesn't think he should be wandering alone.

I happen to agree. IF something were to happen again the next person might just call the police. I think the parents called a lawyer because they know he could be in trouble.

Oh and for those who misread or didn't read. OP was right there. Her 4 year old was not unsupervised

OP all you can do is make sure your daughter is not alone. This is not likely to happen again, but if he starts yelling or acting aggressive it could be frightening. At some point she will be able to understand that he can't control it. Most 4-5 year old's I know would still be scared at this point.

Thank you. I do think the best I can do is what you stated.

I really did come here in case there were things (programs, tips, advice, thoughts, etc) that I hadn't thought of. For what it's worth. Not looking to absolve myself of guilt *on the internet*.

[Anonymous]

WHY did OP lawyer up? Five pages later and I still don't understand it.

A thing happened. It was alarming, but the parents of the individual said they would take care of it. Then....nothing else happened but OP kept calling them. And calling them. Even though nothing else had happened. She didn't have anything to report, she just wanted to....what? Inform the parents that she had spoken to a pediatrician that didn't even know the individual?

As if the parents of a developmentally disabled adult know less about what he can or should do than some rando pediatrician who has never seen him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY did OP lawyer up? Five pages later and I still don't understand it.

A thing happened. It was alarming, but the parents of the individual said they would take care of it. Then....nothing else happened but OP kept calling them. And calling them. Even though nothing else had happened. She didn't have anything to report, she just wanted to....what? Inform the parents that she had spoken to a pediatrician that didn't even know the individual?

As if the parents of a developmentally disabled adult know less about what he can or should do than some rando pediatrician who has never seen him?

EDIT: Why did OP call the police, I mean? What could there possibly be to report except that a grown man with special needs is allowed to be in his own neighborhood?

That's what independence looks like. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to typically developing folks, but living alongside people with special needs is what our society SHOULD look like. One incident and OP has decided she knows more than the man's family, doctors, social worker, and law enforcement.

[Anonymous]

OP, set aside whether you're right or wrong to proceed as you have, the question is whether you are going to get the result you want by moving forward with the police. If what you want is this young man to be banned in perpetuity from walking past your house, my guess is that this outcome is not likely. (Nor is it reasonable, in my view.) Even if he is arrested, prosecuted, convicted and sentenced, it's unlikely he will be gone forever and unlikely you would be able to extract a protective order that forever prevented him from being outdoors in his neighborhood.

So on that basis my advice would be to find a way to move on. Avoid any/all contact with him and his family and teach your kids to do the same. If there are additional incidents of inappropriate/dangerous behavior involving you or your family, report them every time. But you are going to have to live with him walking past your house one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'll add more details: the thing that made me feel like he should be supervised, rather than just being slapped on the wrist, was that both hte social worker I consulted and my pediatrician said this was totally normal behavior (flashing) BUT that it indicated that he should absolutely be supervised. So, professionals were telling me this. It wasn't something I came up with on my own. The social worker said that he likely has a case worker, and that the case worker should be informed of the incident.

Early on the parents said first that they did tell his case worker, then later that they confessed they did not, and that they did not want the case worker informed because they did not think it happened / it would limit his potential future opportunities (employment? independence? I don't know). The police said the only way to get the case worker to know about it is to convince the parents to tell the case worker, or get him arrested.

I'm not sure if I have all those details right about how all this stuff is handled, but that's what I've been told.

Good grief you contacted a social worker about this and told your pediatrician and posted it on another general parents forum. You are really too fixated on this. Move on. Didn't you say it was over a year ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't have the mental capacity to understand. You guys are going to get him institutionalized when he sounds harmless.

He doesn't sound harmless. He's allowed to walk by your house though. Sad fact is, police can't do anything unless he actually does a crime against you. If he flashes you again, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police and have him arrested. He needs to be in a group home.

[Anonymous]

He should be on the registry and not allowed near children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't have the mental capacity to understand. You guys are going to get him institutionalized when he sounds harmless.

He doesn't sound harmless. He's allowed to walk by your house though. Sad fact is, police can't do anything unless he actually does a crime against you. If he flashes you again, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police and have him arrested. He needs to be in a group home.

Jesus Christ that's callous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, set aside whether you're right or wrong to proceed as you have, the question is whether you are going to get the result you want by moving forward with the police. If what you want is this young man to be banned in perpetuity from walking past your house, my guess is that this outcome is not likely. (Nor is it reasonable, in my view.) Even if he is arrested, prosecuted, convicted and sentenced, it's unlikely he will be gone forever and unlikely you would be able to extract a protective order that forever prevented him from being outdoors in his neighborhood.

So on that basis my advice would be to find a way to move on. Avoid any/all contact with him and his family and teach your kids to do the same. If there are additional incidents of inappropriate/dangerous behavior involving you or your family, report them every time. But you are going to have to live with him walking past your house one way or another.

+1 OP wants the moral high ground of "understanding" how adults with special needs get abused (and often killed) by the criminal justice system, without the inconvenience of actually having to live her values.

[Anonymous]

Some people on this thread are off their rockers.

OP did nothing wrong. She's trying to live and let live. This guy is flashing her young daughter near her house while the OP is sitting right with her, and chasing OP up her own driveway.

Question: How would you feel if you knew that he'd flashed two other little girls in the neighborhood before he flashed yours, and that yours wasn't prevented because the parents of those girls felt sorry for him and weren't sure that reporting it was the right thing to do?

For all you know, the reason they got a lawyer in the first place is that they received a similar report from someone else.

Some people are arguing that a man flashing a little girl isn't that bad, in any case. Others seem to be arguing that it's only not bad because he must be at the mental and therefore apparently sexual age of a 4 year old. Others are saying that it is bad. OP doesn't want to be a bad person. Luckily, OP doesn't need to worry about any of these things. What happened is a crime. It's your decision to look the other way, if you were the only affected party and you believe that it won't happen again. However, it sounds like you can't say that. So yeah, in this case I would report it.

[Anonymous]

Whew. As someone who works in criminal justice, I'd probably have him arrested.

While I am sympethetic to the parents and his special needs, knowing that he will continue this behavior unchecked until he finally touches a little girl would make me take action.

This is not a child, this is man. A sexual man who doesn't understand his feelings and will eventually either masturbate in front of or touch a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want my kids flashed, either, but you the impact of involving the police is WAY disproportionate to the "trauma" of seeing a penis.

Lots of kids in lots of countries see penises all the time. It is only traumatic if you make it traumatic.

Um, flashing a child your penis is a crime. A CRIME. This is totally crazy. "Only traumatic if you make it traumatic." No no no no no. Is that what you tell all your victims?

NP here. I'm a pretty prudish person, and I have to say no, the sight of a penis should not be traumatizing to a child. Half our kids have them, and some people who are far more comfortable with nudity than I expose their kids to the sight of a penis on a regular basis.

An adult with special needs is more likely to show off a penis much like a small child would, as a novelty. An adult without special needs who flashes theirs is doing it for far more nefarious reasons, and is likely to escalate, hence it is a crime. If my neighbor's 5yo flashed a penis, I'd talk to the parents. I would treat this case the same way.

Agreed. Adult normal men show off their junk to children so they can get off on the thought. This is like a 4 year old showing your 4 year old his penis.

Well, no. Special needs persons can have intercourse. A 4 year old can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people on this thread are off their rockers.

OP did nothing wrong. She's trying to live and let live. This guy is flashing her young daughter near her house while the OP is sitting right with her, and chasing OP up her own driveway.

Question: How would you feel if you knew that he'd flashed two other little girls in the neighborhood before he flashed yours, and that yours wasn't prevented because the parents of those girls felt sorry for him and weren't sure that reporting it was the right thing to do?

For all you know, the reason they got a lawyer in the first place is that they received a similar report from someone else.

Some people are arguing that a man flashing a little girl isn't that bad, in any case. Others seem to be arguing that it's only not bad because he must be at the mental and therefore apparently sexual age of a 4 year old. Others are saying that it is bad. OP doesn't want to be a bad person. Luckily, OP doesn't need to worry about any of these things. What happened is a crime. It's your decision to look the other way, if you were the only affected party and you believe that it won't happen again. However, it sounds like you can't say that. So yeah, in this case I would report it.

OP didn't do nothing. She called the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY did OP lawyer up? Five pages later and I still don't understand it.

A thing happened. It was alarming, but the parents of the individual said they would take care of it. Then....nothing else happened but OP kept calling them. And calling them. Even though nothing else had happened. She didn't have anything to report, she just wanted to....what? Inform the parents that she had spoken to a pediatrician that didn't even know the individual?

As if the parents of a developmentally disabled adult know less about what he can or should do than some rando pediatrician who has never seen him?

I understand the timeline is confusing, as it has been revealed on here. It was basically that his parents had said some misleading things to us, or rather, changed their minds, so first it was that they'd tell his case worker / he'd be supervised / not walk by our house, then he was not supervised and was not only walking past our house but walking onto our driveway yelling. I believe after that incident we tried to call the parents again (I mean, he was yelling at me on my property!?) and they didn't return my call, so we called the police to find out what our options were. Again, we didn't press charges, but there was an initial report filed and the officer said she'd try to talk to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whew. As someone who works in criminal justice, I'd probably have him arrested.

While I am sympethetic to the parents and his special needs, knowing that he will continue this behavior unchecked until he finally touches a little girl would make me take action.

This is not a child, this is man. A sexual man who doesn't understand his feelings and will eventually either masturbate in front of or touch a child.

OP again, and this is what brings me back to the issue and why it haunts me.

I don't want to have him arrested, but I wish there were a third option (between "have him arrested" and "ignore it").