Young adult with special needs flashed his penis to my 4 YO daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the replies. I actually posted in the special needs forum in case there was some organization or outreach group I was unaware of that might help, or some suggestion I just hadn't thought of.

Also, I actually posted elsewhere in a general parenting group when it first happened, and was lambasted for having not immediately called the police and having him arrested. Every time I said, "but he's mentally handicapped!" I was told I was crazy for prioritizing a stranger's needs over those of my own children. I don't need to hear that, because I don't want to have him arrested.

I think I might have just needed to hear that there's nothing more that I can do, if that's the case, which it sounds like it is.

But, I do think, and it sounds like there are more than a handful of others who agree, that his parents are being a little negligent here. We were totally friendly before they stopped talking to us and hired a lawyer. And told us they thought it never happened?? It sounds like these sorts of things happen all the time with mentally handicapped adults, so what I find deeply troubling is that the parents would *deny* it ever happened at all. It makes me wonder if something else has ever happened in the past that they have also denied. It erodes all sense of trust.

You want us to post a group that is going to go after the guy and his family? What exactly are you looking for? Just ask them to pay you off or what ever you want and leave those people alone. Supervise your child!! You should be charged with neglect.

Are you intentionally behaving unreasonably or is it natural? You're completely misreading everything OP posts, whether you agree with her or not.

She doesn't want money, she wants someone to watch the aggressive, inappropriate adult man who isn't being properly supervised by his caretakers. Unlike the flasher's parents, OP isn't letting her child wander around unsupervised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'll add more details: the thing that made me feel like he should be supervised, rather than just being slapped on the wrist, was that both hte social worker I consulted and my pediatrician said this was totally normal behavior (flashing) BUT that it indicated that he should absolutely be supervised. So, professionals were telling me this. It wasn't something I came up with on my own. The social worker said that he likely has a case worker, and that the case worker should be informed of the incident.

Early on the parents said first that they did tell his case worker, then later that they confessed they did not, and that they did not want the case worker informed because they did not think it happened / it would limit his potential future opportunities (employment? independence? I don't know). The police said the only way to get the case worker to know about it is to convince the parents to tell the case worker, or get him arrested.

I'm not sure if I have all those details right about how all this stuff is handled, but that's what I've been told.

Are you even thinking clearly? You sound nuts. You DID NOT SUPERVISE YOUR 4 year old. YOUR 4 YEAR OLD needs supervision so they don't encounter these things. You should be reported for neglect for your 4 year old being outside alone.

Enough already. Don't have a SN child... for that child's sake, just don't. This man probably cannot function well enough to understand what he did was wrong and him having a job, is probably a non-issue. Yes, it was a crappy thing to happen, but you don't get it so just stop already.

Attacking someone SN on a SN board is not going to win you points on how wonderful you are when you failed to supervise your 4 year old.

What kind of further supervision should OP have provided to prevent her daughter from being flashed, given that OP was already present and supervising her? Should OP have her daughter walk around wearing an eyemask all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'll add more details: the thing that made me feel like he should be supervised, rather than just being slapped on the wrist, was that both hte social worker I consulted and my pediatrician said this was totally normal behavior (flashing) BUT that it indicated that he should absolutely be supervised. So, professionals were telling me this. It wasn't something I came up with on my own. The social worker said that he likely has a case worker, and that the case worker should be informed of the incident.

Early on the parents said first that they did tell his case worker, then later that they confessed they did not, and that they did not want the case worker informed because they did not think it happened / it would limit his potential future opportunities (employment? independence? I don't know). The police said the only way to get the case worker to know about it is to convince the parents to tell the case worker, or get him arrested.

I'm not sure if I have all those details right about how all this stuff is handled, but that's what I've been told.

Are you even thinking clearly? You sound nuts. You DID NOT SUPERVISE YOUR 4 year old. YOUR 4 YEAR OLD needs supervision so they don't encounter these things. You should be reported for neglect for your 4 year old being outside alone.

Enough already. Don't have a SN child... for that child's sake, just don't. This man probably cannot function well enough to understand what he did was wrong and him having a job, is probably a non-issue. Yes, it was a crappy thing to happen, but you don't get it so just stop already.

Attacking someone SN on a SN board is not going to win you points on how wonderful you are when you failed to supervise your 4 year old.

Actually, you are the one who is not reading this thread at all. I was sitting right next to my 4 YO at the time that it happened. That's how I know for certain exactly what happened. I have never left my 4 YO unattended. Read this freaking thread before you attack me.

[Anonymous]

Again -- I'm sure your multiple calls/contacts with the family after they told you they would handle the situation caused them to get a lawyer. They felt threatened. And they handled the situation because he hasn't done this again in the last year.

You want the family to do more. They clearly don't want to do more.

Can you even still press charges one year later with no evidence and only your word against his?

In all honesty, I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my child play outside with this neighbor... the yelling, the potential for inappropriate encounters. But I'm not sure what you can do about it. Is there an HOA?

it sounds like, despite no other inappropriate exchanges, you want to mandate how these neighbors live and are holding the threat of arrest over this family's head. No wonder they got a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'm holding the threat of arrest over their head, because we've had no contact with them! It's been on my mind, but after the lawyer we stopped contacting them. And to be clear, before that, it wasn't "calling and calling," it was a reasonable number of phone calls to somebody who had previously said "call anytime." It was a brief period of like "hey, we're trying to reach you, didn't catch you this time, give me a call back or I'll try you again in a couple of days."

But yes, there is no statute of limitations for a sexual offense like this, we were told by the police, and they would have no problem "believing" a competent adult over an incompetent adult (sorry but it's true, this is what the cop said).

Not really interested in having him arrested, because I know that it's unnecessarily traumatic for him. I do think he should not be wandering the neighborhood alone all day.

[Anonymous]

OP I hate posts like yours. Basically you want absolution for the crappy thing you feel justified in doing. Guess what -- you can't simultaneously get a young special needs man imprisoned or institutionalized AND be the good guy AND not have his parents lawyer up on you. If you want him to be "better supervised" (what do you even think you mean by that?) by all means press charges. You can even file a civil suit. But don't come here expecting to be absolved of guilt.

[Anonymous]

I think the OP should contact Adult Protective Services and say that the individual is being negligently supervised, and that he is putting himself in dangerous situations (I.e., risk of arrest).

It is possible that this behavior has been displayed in other settings: his day program if he has one, a recreation setting, etc. something like this could be used to show the need for higher level of service, more hours of service, etc.

One place he won't get any instruction on changing or eliminating this behavior is jail. And yes, people with I/DD can go to jail.

Adult Protective Services may be able to make the referral to the appropriate state developmental disabilities agency.

I'm sorry this happened to your child. I agree it would be very startling.

[Anonymous]

Op, it's obvious to me that you should keep an eye out for him, but let it go until it happens again. You're supervising your kids, so no harm will come to them IF he flashes you. If he does it again, call the police. But drop the whole thing for now.

[Anonymous]

YES! Thank you, 18:59!

[Anonymous]

See something bsay something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP should contact Adult Protective Services and say that the individual is being negligently supervised, and that he is putting himself in dangerous situations (I.e., risk of arrest).

It is possible that this behavior has been displayed in other settings: his day program if he has one, a recreation setting, etc. something like this could be used to show the need for higher level of service, more hours of service, etc.

One place he won't get any instruction on changing or eliminating this behavior is jail. And yes, people with I/DD can go to jail.

Adult Protective Services may be able to make the referral to the appropriate state developmental disabilities agency.

I'm sorry this happened to your child. I agree it would be very startling.

APS is for the adult being abused or neglected. Its not an appropriate call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I hate posts like yours. Basically you want absolution for the crappy thing you feel justified in doing. Guess what -- you can't simultaneously get a young special needs man imprisoned or institutionalized AND be the good guy AND not have his parents lawyer up on you. If you want him to be "better supervised" (what do you even think you mean by that?) by all means press charges. You can even file a civil suit. But don't come here expecting to be absolved of guilt.

No, seriously, what's the crappy thing I'm doing? Or that I've already done? Because I've said several times that I can't stomach the idea of having him arrested. Also, that's why I posted on this forum, because *everyone except parents of SN kids* tells me to just have him arrested. Or was it crappy, in your opinion, that I pursued this with the parents at all?

I don't understand how people can say he has the mental capacity of a 4 year old (or whatever, we don't know his exact situation) and yet he spends hours walking around the neighborhood daily. That to me suggests that he is not receiving enough care.

And for the record, I'm a serious progressive, democrat with a capital D, big believer in a comprehensive safety net. I get that long-term care for SN adult children can be expensive, and I am horrified that we live in a rich country that doesn't provide for support for his parents in this situation. He should be occupied, doing fun things, learning, working, anything, not walking around alone all day. I'm not a bad person for believing that, and I do care about these issues, and as I came here interested in learning more about what is available for people like him, not to be attacked for thinking that a mentally handicapped person who flashes my daughter and walks the streets all day alone should probably be doing something more productive (or fun, or stimulating, or social) with his time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hate posts like yours. Basically you want absolution for the crappy thing you feel justified in doing. Guess what -- you can't simultaneously get a young special needs man imprisoned or institutionalized AND be the good guy AND not have his parents lawyer up on you. If you want him to be "better supervised" (what do you even think you mean by that?) by all means press charges. You can even file a civil suit. But don't come here expecting to be absolved of guilt.

No, seriously, what's the crappy thing I'm doing? Or that I've already done? Because I've said several times that I can't stomach the idea of having him arrested. Also, that's why I posted on this forum, because *everyone except parents of SN kids* tells me to just have him arrested. Or was it crappy, in your opinion, that I pursued this with the parents at all?

I don't understand how people can say he has the mental capacity of a 4 year old (or whatever, we don't know his exact situation) and yet he spends hours walking around the neighborhood daily. That to me suggests that he is not receiving enough care.

And for the record, I'm a serious progressive, democrat with a capital D, big believer in a comprehensive safety net. I get that long-term care for SN adult children can be expensive, and I am horrified that we live in a rich country that doesn't provide for support for his parents in this situation. He should be occupied, doing fun things, learning, working, anything, not walking around alone all day. I'm not a bad person for believing that, and I do care about these issues, and as I came here interested in learning more about what is available for people like him, not to be attacked for thinking that a mentally handicapped person who flashes my daughter and walks the streets all day alone should probably be doing something more productive (or fun, or stimulating, or social) with his time.

Why are you even here? As in all things related to parenting, you have no way to force other parents to parent the way you want. You called APS and they said no neglect. You called the parents and they lawyered up. Now your choice is to press charges and get the kid institutionalized and/or imprisoned and labeled a sex offender. Or file a civil suit and harass the parents into moving. Your supposed "capital D democrat" status does not insulate you from the consequences of any of these actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I hate posts like yours. Basically you want absolution for the crappy thing you feel justified in doing. Guess what -- you can't simultaneously get a young special needs man imprisoned or institutionalized AND be the good guy AND not have his parents lawyer up on you. If you want him to be "better supervised" (what do you even think you mean by that?) by all means press charges. You can even file a civil suit. But don't come here expecting to be absolved of guilt.

She has said repeatedly that she doesn't want him arrested.

She has also said she doesn't think he should be wandering alone.

I happen to agree. IF something were to happen again the next person might just call the police. I think the parents called a lawyer because they know he could be in trouble.

Oh and for those who misread or didn't read. OP was right there. Her 4 year old was not unsupervised

OP all you can do is make sure your daughter is not alone. This is not likely to happen again, but if he starts yelling or acting aggressive it could be frightening. At some point she will be able to understand that he can't control it. Most 4-5 year old's I know would still be scared at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hate posts like yours. Basically you want absolution for the crappy thing you feel justified in doing. Guess what -- you can't simultaneously get a young special needs man imprisoned or institutionalized AND be the good guy AND not have his parents lawyer up on you. If you want him to be "better supervised" (what do you even think you mean by that?) by all means press charges. You can even file a civil suit. But don't come here expecting to be absolved of guilt.

No, seriously, what's the crappy thing I'm doing? Or that I've already done? Because I've said several times that I can't stomach the idea of having him arrested. Also, that's why I posted on this forum, because *everyone except parents of SN kids* tells me to just have him arrested. Or was it crappy, in your opinion, that I pursued this with the parents at all?

I don't understand how people can say he has the mental capacity of a 4 year old (or whatever, we don't know his exact situation) and yet he spends hours walking around the neighborhood daily. That to me suggests that he is not receiving enough care.

And for the record, I'm a serious progressive, democrat with a capital D, big believer in a comprehensive safety net. I get that long-term care for SN adult children can be expensive, and I am horrified that we live in a rich country that doesn't provide for support for his parents in this situation. He should be occupied, doing fun things, learning, working, anything, not walking around alone all day. I'm not a bad person for believing that, and I do care about these issues, and as I came here interested in learning more about what is available for people like him, not to be attacked for thinking that a mentally handicapped person who flashes my daughter and walks the streets all day alone should probably be doing something more productive (or fun, or stimulating, or social) with his time.

Why are you even here? As in all things related to parenting, you have no way to force other parents to parent the way you want. You called APS and they said no neglect. You called the parents and they lawyered up. Now your choice is to press charges and get the kid institutionalized and/or imprisoned and labeled a sex offender. Or file a civil suit and harass the parents into moving. Your supposed "capital D democrat" status does not insulate you from the consequences of any of these actions.

Just to be clear if I were to have him arrested, *I* would not be doing anything wrong, as both the law and social norms tell me. I am not making that choice because I hate that police fail to distinguish between the mentally capable and those who are less so.

Honestly, I'm here because I thought there might have been some, oh, you can report situations like that to the case workers through this organization, and you can bypass the police, or you know, oh, that is weird that he's walking the streets all day alone, he really should be in a day program and they usually provide financial aid, I don't know why his parents haven't looked into it, you could mention it to the friendly neighbor, or some other suggestion *that parents of kids with special needs would know*.