Never do a DNA test if you don't want the answers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to get my DH to find his birth mother. I wish it would work out like this but I know it doesn't always.

If he doesn't want to do it. Leave it be.

This. It isn't your choice. It is your DH's choice and his alone. This is none of your business.

It actually is my business because we are a family.

It's not your business. Your only role in this is to support your husband in what he wants. You're envisioning rainbows and fairy tales and I'm here to tell you it's not always that way. My husband went looking for his biological family and was rejected by them.
Are you willing to put your husband through that kind of hurt for your own likely selfish reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonderful story OP, please keep us informed when you get back!

Kind of a personal question... so your mom cheated on your dad then? Or was she already pregnant when they got together?

My mom and dad were already on rocky ground at that point. My birth dad had an appointment at their house through his work, he had a sweet southern accent. My mom felt alone and this sweet southern guy was giving her attention. It was the perfect storm. So yes, they both had an affair.

I will definitely repost after the trip. I feel blessed. I have no issues about how I came to be. 2 people made a bad choice but something good came of it.

An affair or a one time bang? Pretty sure you've got some other siblings out there...

Highly possible. While none have shown up on DNA sites, it doesn't mean there are none.

How does that make you feel? That your bio father just spread his seed far and wide, and you were just one random result of that? I would be less than thrilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to get my DH to find his birth mother. I wish it would work out like this but I know it doesn't always.

If he doesn't want to do it. Leave it be.

This. It isn't your choice. It is your DH's choice and his alone. This is none of your business.

It actually is my business because we are a family.

It's not your business. Your only role in this is to support your husband in what he wants. You're envisioning rainbows and fairy tales and I'm here to tell you it's not always that way. My husband went looking for his biological family and was rejected by them.
Are you willing to put your husband through that kind of hurt for your own likely selfish reasons?

Sounds like you had a bad experience and are still hurting from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonderful story OP, please keep us informed when you get back!

Kind of a personal question... so your mom cheated on your dad then? Or was she already pregnant when they got together?

My mom and dad were already on rocky ground at that point. My birth dad had an appointment at their house through his work, he had a sweet southern accent. My mom felt alone and this sweet southern guy was giving her attention. It was the perfect storm. So yes, they both had an affair.

I will definitely repost after the trip. I feel blessed. I have no issues about how I came to be. 2 people made a bad choice but something good came of it.

An affair or a one time bang? Pretty sure you've got some other siblings out there...

Highly possible. While none have shown up on DNA sites, it doesn't mean there are none.

How does that make you feel? That your bio father just spread his seed far and wide, and you were just one random result of that? I would be less than thrilled.

My significance is not defined about the conditions of my conception. God knew my name before i was even conceived. How do I feel? Thankful that A) I grew up with a loving Dad, B) I have life , C) I have double the amount of family to love and be loved by. See, my significance is defined by how I affect the world and those around me. I have raised 2 loving, amazing individuals that contribute greatly to this world. I have done research that makes a difference in society. I volunteer. A lot. So who my sperm donor is , while I am a sentimental person, does not make me any less or more worthy than another. What finding my birth family means to me is that I understand more of where I came from and understanding more of why I do/like/dislike things that I do.

[Anonymous]

Well, we returned late last night. The reunion in Southern California was amazing in every way. My daughter and I arrived in Los Angeles, rented a car and took a little time getting down to south Orange County. Upon arriving, I was first greeted by the oldest brother's wife, then my second brother. The hug was so healing and tearful for both of us. This is the brother I have most in common with. I then went downstairs and greeted/hugged my eldest brother, the one that I had first talked to. More tears on both sides.

Saturday, we had the family reunion, where i met the other 2 brothers and all of the nieces, nephews, great nieces & nephews minus one nephew. We played games that helped me get to know every one and they got to know me. After the picnic/reunion bbq, we went back to eldest brother's house to sit on the patio, have a glass of wine, catered dinner, some swam in the pool or used the hot tub.

Sunday We went to Knotts Berry Farm. Monday my daughter and i went to the Beach and then I went to the company 2 of the brothers own to see their shop. Tuesday, sadly, we needed to head home. Took our time, the long way to the airport, showing my daughter my childhood places.

We returned home a little sad but glad that we have more wonderful family to love. It's a happy ending that hasn't ended.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so glad it was a positive experience for all of you.

You seem to have a very positive outlook on life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so glad it was a positive experience for all of you.

You seem to have a very positive outlook on life!

Thank you, it was such an amazing time. The brothers have invited my husband, daughter, son and his wife & son to come down for Thanksgiving. They have a lot of airmiles and would liike to see all of us come down. Depending on what goes on with my dad, we may go down. My husband, daughter, son, daughter in law and grandbaby and I are going down to see him this weekend. We are told he will pass soon and it is his birthday, so we definitely want to get down there.

This has been tough, especially with him not knowing. I feel a sadness that will just have to be there when I look at him a) knowing he is leaving this world soon and b) the whole dna situation that he will not know. I am actually glad we are able to protect him from it, but it's this sadness that I have no words for. Maybe it's just my grief at learning he is not my birth father. He will always be my Daddy though. He has been wonderful.

If I had something as a bit of insight with all of this, it is this:
(I have already mentioned some of this)
I am not defined by who is in my bloodline. My DNA only gives spectrums of tendencies, health, etc that a person will tend to be in. A person may fall anywhere in that box, depending on their choices, environment, etc. I have never been a person to color in the lines, though. I choose to rise above and beyond what is "given" to me and find my own definition. I teach my children the same. What is that? that their book has a lot of blank pages. Their choices, above all else, will define where that story goes. DNA? Ok it's all good, it's good to know your background and those you are related to so that you may understand yourself more. It can be quite romanticized and I was blessed to have a happy outcome. There are some that will not have the same good result. I urge them to carry on, knowing that regardless of their birth parents, etc, they can define to an even better degree who and what they are in life. Thank you to everyone that responded with comments or even just read this posting. It was a great place for me to write, anonymously to protect the innocent and I suppose the not-so-innocent. In times like this, it is wonderful to be able to share with others something that can be so turbulent and emotional. Blessings.

[Anonymous]

And who cares about that dying cuckold anyway? Let's keep lying to him to the bitter end. It's for his own good, poor chump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And who cares about that dying cuckold anyway? Let's keep lying to him to the bitter end. It's for his own good, poor chump.

You have your opinion. Not your situation. He's gravely ill, doesn't need this sort of news to be the last thing he's thinking of. His wife of 45 years agrees it would change nothing but would be incredibly too hurtful, break his heart, maybe even take him down. Do you stop to think before you post? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Neither the cheating mother nor her offspring the OP gives a hoot about the victim of paternity fraud. He's served his purpose. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Men-beware.

[Anonymous]

Sorry people felt the need to write gross comments! What in the world?

I've loved this thread. First time commenting. I'm so happy to hear about the visit with your new family. You all have handled this which such grace, the way I hope I would react in a similar situation.

I'm so glad you aren't telling your dad. What purpose would it serve? You are his daughter without reservation. He's not in a place to process this information and his life won't be enriched by it. Keeping it from him is an act of love.

I wish you the best! Please update again if you feel moved to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring them something from this area. I like to give food. Cookies from that old bakery in Baltimore (tehhy sell them in Giant.. German name.. I forgot.. red bags in the bakery section) for example. Old Bay Utz potato chips (only available around here). Local chocolates.

Food yes, but not potato chips! Good grief that is tacky. I would think crab cakes from Baltimore is more like it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry people felt the need to write gross comments! What in the world?

I've loved this thread. First time commenting. I'm so happy to hear about the visit with your new family. You all have handled this which such grace, the way I hope I would react in a similar situation.

I'm so glad you aren't telling your dad. What purpose would it serve? You are his daughter without reservation. He's not in a place to process this information and his life won't be enriched by it. Keeping it from him is an act of love.

I wish you the best! Please update again if you feel moved to do so.

Thank you, you're very kind. I am not shaken by idiotic posts like that. People like that do not understand that love goes beyond blood and "relation." The very close relationship that I have with the only father that I have ever known is extremely close. My step mother had the final say in how this would be handled, she also believed that it would only cause misery in his last days and would not change how he feels about me. He and I talk daily. I pray with him. I am very much at peace with our decision. His last days, he is surrounded by many that love him. We coordinate our efforts so that he has contact morning and evening as well as letters and photographs every day in the mail. It is any day now, he is praying to be taken quickly as he is suffering. In our conversation this afternoon, he said that he is so grateful to have a daughter that loves him so much and that he feels so blessed. I am not sorry, no not at all. Instead, I am grateful that in all of the circumstances that I see in hindsight, that God saw to it that I had a dad the loved me and that I could love in return.

There will always be people that are unhappy with their own lives and thus post stupid things to shake people as they feel it gives them some sort of sorry satisfaction. I do not give it the time of day as I know the true condition of things. Thank you for your sweet post, I continue to post as this is a wonderful way to journal this journey.

[Anonymous]

So the oldest of the "new-found" brothers and his wife will be in town next week after a wonderful cruise. We will meet them at the airport for a 3 hour period where my husband will finally get to meet them. I am excited for them to meet, I must say! I have become so close to them as we learn how much we have in common.
I have come to a fuller understanding of myself by getting to know this side of my family. I am thankful for the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

I admit that I skimmed through the thread, but OP, have/will you take an actual DNA test to determine if the new guy is really your father and the cool, nice guy actually your brother?
I read an ancestry DNA did not overlap with your father and your mom threw out a name, but that doesn't mean the new guy is your biological or that the man you called Dad isn't.