Never do a DNA test if you don't want the answers!

[Anonymous]

My stepmother's sister did 23 and me and discovered that their father had a second family in Richmond. They were from Lynchburg. Rocked the family to the core.

[Anonymous]

It is for that type of reason that I titled this thread, "Never do a DNA test if you don't want the answers!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well.........my mom passed away this week. I'm planning the service. Life is a funny thing. Her passing has made me reflect on whether the DNA test was necessary. Then I remembered that I was doing it to verify my ancestry, I had no idea what I would find would change my life. I hope that I helped mom find peace in that the situation was her 52 years ago, not who she is now. We all make mistakes. I found an email that I had sent after she finally told me. In it, I told her to be assured that I am not angry, hold no judgement and that God was in control the whole time.

It has been a bittersweet week. She was in pain, frail, down to 70 pounds at one point. I miss her horribly yet I'm glad she is out of pain. I think it's ok to be a little selfish I have to find a new normal where I can talk about my birth father and his family without concern, where life without my dad, and now my mom, is ok to live. The day after her passing, I started writing a song called, "Until Then." When she was taking me to preschool, I was upset because I didn't want her to go. I said, "Mommy, no, you can't say goodbye. I want you here." She replied that I will learn so much and make great friends, instead of saying goodbye, what don't we say, "Until Then." Here's the chorus, please let me know what you think!


Until Then - LH
Copyright 2020



Thank you. I was basically left planning the whole memorial service as the one other sibling was not capable of it at the time. People liked the song. I have found nothing harder than planning/attending the funeral/memorial of my parents.

and Momma please don't go
and we miss you so much and yet we know
you're in a place where there is no pain
and joy fills............. your heart again
Momma, I'm glad you don't hurt anymore.

My heart says "Momma, it's ok if you go.
We know it's not forever goodbye
even though it makes us cry,
Momma let's say it once again
......until then.

This is beautiful!

[Anonymous]

Just saw this thread. Found out last year I have a half-sister thanks to her doing DNA testing—she reached out to him; he had done it years prior. It’s been an insane and unpleasant journey since then. Thankfully this was before he was married to my mom. She could not be more different from my family, and has a very large family with a number of issues. Too much to write here but I finally had to limit contact with her, and because she doesn’t understand boundaries it did not go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just saw this thread. Found out last year I have a half-sister thanks to her doing DNA testing—she reached out to him; he had done it years prior. It’s been an insane and unpleasant journey since then. Thankfully this was before he was married to my mom. She could not be more different from my family, and has a very large family with a number of issues. Too much to write here but I finally had to limit contact with her, and because she doesn’t understand boundaries it did not go well.

Ooof! So sorry that it was not a good turn of events. I think I mentioned much earlier, I am definitely blessed to be able to have a wonderful relationship with my 4 brothers and their families. I can't tell you how many blogs that I read where the writer was yelled at, hung up on, threatened physically and/or legally and often told not to call back. There were many that I read where the relationships just didn't do well.

I think it is quite important that even while performing a search for one's family, the search must be kept in perspective. Romanticizing the discovery of parent/siblings/etc is basically setting yourself up for a big disappointment. The birth family may not feel the same way as the searcher does. I would imagine that if my relationship with my birth father were discovered while he was alive, the reception by him could have been different and would put my "new brothers" in a difficult situation.

I know that when I first found my brothers, it was all I could do to keep myself from calling too often! I am a very sentimental person and wanted to learn everything as quickly as possible about my new family. The original DNA discovery had rocked my world and I wanted to immerse myself as quickly as possible. However, I had to keep in mind the fact that the "new brothers" have lives with families and a history that up until the discovery did not include me. In short......they had lives. I adore them all immensely and we all love each other. I have been included as a sibling and kept in the loop with things as they happen. The fact is, the lack of shared history just makes it impossible to make the sibling relationships similar to one where the siblings have grown up together. A relationship just has to be forged, as any other new relationship, by creating new memories and learning about each others' histories. Respect for privacy is often a necessity. In our case, I created a family group page on Facebook for us to post news, photos, etc so that we could protect my brothers' mother, who was already struggling with Alzheimers and to also just protect my mother's privacy.

My mom has passed as of this year and my brothers' mom's Alzheimers is extremely advanced to where it is no longer a concern. However, it needs to be my brothers' decision when their side of the family can know. That being said, our family page is still the best option, though we're much more relaxed on posting on each others' pages, etc.

I hope that you and your sister find peace in the facts and that she realizes that this type of situation affects more than the immediate family. Blessings to all.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great short story, OP! I'm sure it will sell well.

Exactly what I was thinking.

[Anonymous]

Do you have other siblings OP (tht you grew up with)?
I am very happy for you and I hope you will find more people to love and that love you. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have other siblings OP (tht you grew up with)?
I am very happy for you and I hope you will find more people to love and that love you. Good luck!

Yes, 5 siblings that I grew up with. Thank you for that

[Anonymous]

Slowly but surely, I have been telling my siblings about this information. Most of them know and each handled it differently. Given that my mom is no longer with us, I believed it would be the best time to tell them.

My "other family" usually has a family reunion during the summer, and for the first time ever, it has to be cancelled due to state orders on larger gatherings. I severely miss seeing my brothers and their families. I had planned on visiting my birth father's grave for the first time, but that will have to wait.

Prayers that all of you are staying healthy and safe during this time. Lean on those close to you and remember to look out for your neighbors that may need assistance!

OP

[Anonymous]

Op - my older half sister has a similar story. She’s adopted (our father and her mother had 5 sons and thought they couldn’t have more kids so they adopted her at birth), she did a dna test a few years ago and discovered that her birth father also had a test and they got connected through it. She has two biological brothers and she and her birth parents and brothers have talked a few times and keep in touch. I expect at some point after covid they’ll meet up. Her parents were teens when she was born and their catholic families made them give her up. They married a couple of years later and had two sons, but divorced when the sons were teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - my older half sister has a similar story. She’s adopted (our father and her mother had 5 sons and thought they couldn’t have more kids so they adopted her at birth), she did a dna test a few years ago and discovered that her birth father also had a test and they got connected through it. She has two biological brothers and she and her birth parents and brothers have talked a few times and keep in touch. I expect at some point after covid they’ll meet up. Her parents were teens when she was born and their catholic families made them give her up. They married a couple of years later and had two sons, but divorced when the sons were teens.

Oh! It sounds like there was a good result for your sister as well! Congratulations to her for that! Unfortunately, it is not always the case. Be sure she journals about her experience. I know I have come back to this post numerous times just to remember the emotions of the moment. Blessings to you!

OP