Therapist takes DH's side

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it might help you to step back and stop looking at this as an issue of who's right and who's wrong, and start looking at it from the perspective of "what does my behavior get me, and is there anything more constructive I can do." You and your MIL don't get along, and to have you harping on every sideways glance from her just puts your DH in the middle of it, which is a really tough place for him to be. Unless she's doing something that truly does necessitate intervention by him (e.g., she's excluding =you from an extended family vacation and your DH needs to tell her that he's not coming if you're not invited), stand up to her yourself in the moment and then find a friend to vent to. Try to look at it not as him not giving you what you want, but as you giving him some kindness and grace in your marriage.

Sorry,but why isn't DH supporting her? The HUSBAND is the real issue, not actually the MIL.

Or perhaps the issue is the OP and her inability to find a compromise position. For instance, let's say the issue is that MIL is negative/critical about everything, it's not specific to OP. The particular offenses are things like the OP saying they might repaint their kitchen blue and her MIL saying she doesn't like blue, or saying they're going to the beach for vacation and her MIL saying she doesn't like the beach. This is just how MIL is with everyone, she is not going to change, and the only way to get out of it is to cut MIL out of their lives. Is that really a proportional response to the MIL's negativity, and does the DH really need to intervene every time his mom says something negative? Or could OP learn to just roll her eyes and ignore her MIL? If the MIL is abusive toward the OP, that's a different situation, but without more detail from the OP, we have no reason to assume that.

[Anonymous]

Without knowing how serious MIL's offenses are, it's impossible to judge. But generally, unless you are having serious issues with MIL and need DH to stand up to her in some way, you should not be venting to him about her. Get some girlfriends and wine instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a new therapist we go to discuss issues we have been having. One of them is that I find his family hard to deal with. My MIL has never warmed up to me and she has the tendency to be a little out there. My DH, when I tell him about instances where she hurts my feelings, tells me I am not allowed to say bad things about his mom as that hurts his feelings. I feel frustrated because DH gets his feelings cared for, my MIL earns her respect and I get nothing. No one is caring for MY feelings.

When we went to our last appointment, my DH threw me under the bus and said I talk about his mom negatively and that hurts his feelings. Our therapist said that I am not allowed in any circumstances to talk negatively about his family as to him they will always be important and wonderful.

I was kind of confused...what am I supposed to do?

You are supposed to learn how to frame your "feelings" and communicate them in an appropriate and positive manner. For example:
WRONG
Your fat old hag of a mother is such a bitch.
RIGHT
When your mom ignores me at dinner when I talk, I feel sad.

[Anonymous]

If you honestly don't think anyone in your family ever makes sacrifices for your benefit and that no one ever takes your feelings into consideration then you need more therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jumping in here. When you say bad things about his family you are saying bad things about him. Yeah, that hurts. Don't do it. You don't have to like them. Or get along with them. Or even see them. But don't talk bad about them.

How would you feel if your DH said bad things about your mom, who you love. You would feel crappy. And you are putting him in the impossible position of having to choose you over his mom. His mom! He is half of her.

Makes me nervous that you think it is OK to talk her down.

This. My sister can be very annoying. Dh doesn't really like her. I get that, but he doesn't have to say it to me. I don't expect them to spend time together, but I don't want to hear from dh that he doesn't like her. He can vent to his brother or his friends about it, not me.

But if the IL is specifically attacking -- not just being annoying, but specifically targeting -- the spouse, the person whose relative it is needs to speak up about it.

The op NEVER used the words attack/attacking, shee said the MIL never warmed up to her & has hurt her feelings.

I also vote now with the multitude of people who believe that this is the very same poster from this thread (which is probably why the op STILL hasn't returned after her initial post, even though we're 5 pages in).

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/641919.page

+1000

Self centered writing styles are almost identical.

I definitely agree!
The original OP of the previous thread was a spoiled, self entitled mess who severely lacked self awareness.

That's the reason why she hasn't come back since her very first post here, because just like with the other thread she didn't hear what she wanted to hear (which is why she went through many therapists in the previous thread until she found one who would agree with her!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jumping in here. When you say bad things about his family you are saying bad things about him. Yeah, that hurts. Don't do it. You don't have to like them. Or get along with them. Or even see them. But don't talk bad about them.

How would you feel if your DH said bad things about your mom, who you love. You would feel crappy. And you are putting him in the impossible position of having to choose you over his mom. His mom! He is half of her.

Makes me nervous that you think it is OK to talk her down.

This. My sister can be very annoying. Dh doesn't really like her. I get that, but he doesn't have to say it to me. I don't expect them to spend time together, but I don't want to hear from dh that he doesn't like her. He can vent to his brother or his friends about it, not me.

But if the IL is specifically attacking -- not just being annoying, but specifically targeting -- the spouse, the person whose relative it is needs to speak up about it.

The op NEVER used the words attack/attacking, shee said the MIL never warmed up to her & has hurt her feelings.

I also vote now with the multitude of people who believe that this is the very same poster from this thread (which is probably why the op STILL hasn't returned after her initial post, even though we're 5 pages in).

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/641919.page

+1000

Self centered writing styles are almost identical.

Why don't you ask Jeff instead of interrupting threads? Stupid Sherlocks.