Therapist takes DH's side
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Anonymous
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We have a new therapist we go to discuss issues we have been having. One of them is that I find his family hard to deal with. My MIL has never warmed up to me and she has the tendency to be a little out there. My DH, when I tell him about instances where she hurts my feelings, tells me I am not allowed to say bad things about his mom as that hurts his feelings. I feel frustrated because DH gets his feelings cared for, my MIL earns her respect and I get nothing. No one is caring for MY feelings.
When we went to our last appointment, my DH threw me under the bus and said I talk about his mom negatively and that hurts his feelings. Our therapist said that I am not allowed in any circumstances to talk negatively about his family as to him they will always be important and wonderful. I was kind of confused...what am I supposed to do? |
Anonymous
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This is really common in therapy. I just read this article:
http://goop.com/how-not-to-end-up-hating-your-partner/ And here is a quote from one of the therapists in it: "When I went to therapy school it was: Thou shalt not take sides, and God help you if you side with the woman. If you lost your therapeutic neutrality, you were sent to your supervisor and you had to talk for a while about your mother." |
Anonymous
| There is a ton of misogyny in the therapy world. |
Anonymous
| When we were in family therapy because of some issues with my son, I used to feel like I was sitting in a testosterone bath--my son, my husband and the (male) therapist. The therapist was actually very helpful in some ways and I have recommended him to folks who have certain types of issues with MALE children, but I never felt like the therapist got me. Actually when it came to me I thought he was kind of an *&@$*%#. |
Anonymous
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When I was seeing a therapist, I told him my DH had physically threatened me, and how terrified I had felt while I cowered behind a locked (bedroom) door. And he scoffed and said, "That's just the testosterone talking" despite my DH's history of abuse.
That's therapy for ya. I just regret wasting the time I did seeing that guy, because it just added fuel to my DH. |
Anonymous
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This is OP...My therapist is female...
My problem is...I never talk ill of my MIL "just because." It is usually after a night with them, she does something or says something rude or distasteful. I point it out to DH. Am I in the wrong? |
Anonymous
| Our former therapist, a woman, thought my DH was funny. She also stated point blank that she was of the belief that marriages in which both people worked full time always had issues. Two strikes and you're out. |
Anonymous
Female therapists can absolutely blame the woman and be misogynistic |
Anonymous
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When things got bad in my previous marriage we went to a therapist. My ex didn't like what she heard so she started "shopping" for a therapist... each one (three of them) always took the "wrong side."
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Anonymous
Probably for the above quoted reasons. When even therapists themselves are acknowledging misogyny in the field, you know it's bad. |
Anonymous
NP here with an awful mil. I vent to my SIL (dh's bro's wife), but I don't say anything to dh. There's no point. I limit my time with her. Complaining to dh just means he either has to speak badly about his mom or defend her, neither is a good position. When you talk to him about it, what is your goal? If you're taking that step, it should be with a purpose. In your shoes, I would work on limiting your exposure to her, and find other people to vent to about her behaviour. |
Anonymous
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I think you should bring this up with the therapist to make sure you heard her right. Obviously, it's legitimate for your husband to feel hurt if he feels like you dislike his family (whether or not your dislike is justifiable.) Also it's not "throwing you under the bus" to tell your therapist how he feels about it! It's a perfectly acceptable thing to say in therapy, and in fact is what he should be talking about.
That said, obviously you should be allowed to talk about your feelings as well. |
Anonymous
I wouldn't say you're wrong but I would say that you're not going about this in a particularly smart way. How would you feel if your DH only ever opened his mouth to talk about one of the dearest people in your life when he wanted to criticize them? You'd get defensive, right? If I were you I wouldn't get into a power struggle over this. Pick another hill to die on. Instead, consider either a) telling your friends about the shitty behavior of your MIL instead of your DH or b) try talking about your MIL to your DH with broader perspective that incorporates her perspective and her good qualities as well as the things that bother you. If you choose b you *might* be able to get the understanding from your DH that you're clearly looking for. |
Anonymous
OP here. I am not bringing her bad behavior to his attention to hurt him obviously. He seems to not notice the things that she does and says that are IMO highly inappropriate and problematic. I worry he thinks they ARE ok and that makes me nervous. |
Anonymous
| I think you should be able to point out things that bother you about the family, in a constructive way. I thought therapists were all for "sharing feelings" |