Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

I am not sure this can ever be put right and frankly I am not even sure I want to put it right but I just need to vent...

My husband is the oldest of a few siblings. We got together fairly young (in college) while his family was going through some serious issues (illness and eventual death of one parent, financial problems and the like). His family (at least at that time) was not close, the siblings barely spoke to each other (which I found shocking) etc. I tried to do the best I can to support him and we sort of got through it, but I thought his family treated him badly (he had to drop out of college for a few years because his parents refused to pay his tuition (he couldn't get financial aid because the family looked well-off on paper) although they paid for his siblings. I always did better academically than him and knew I would be the main breadwinner, which at the time was a non-issue for me.

I also happen to be an immigrant and I come from the culture that very strongly believe that parents are responsible for their children's education and helping them get on their feet. Instead, the minute I left school and started working, his remaining parent started calling me telling me how I was responsible for my husband's (fairly substantial) student loans. I did eventually pay for my husband to get a masters and paid off his student loans as well as mine (my family helped some, but they were immigrants and it took them a while go get on their feet in this country). Rationally or not, I feel like his family took advantage of me while I should have been getting on my feet.\ I also (whether rationally or not) have always believed that my husband's family always treated him worse than his other siblings.

Fast forward 20 years. We have a child with farily severe SNs so I can't work as hard and earn as much money as I could have. His siblings married late and their respective spouses have not been around for all the turmoil DHs family went through. Now DHs family wants to have get-togethers and generally act like a family...but frankly I want nothing to do with it. I can't get over them trying to take advantage of an immigrant kid. I can't get over DH being treated badly. I don't understand why they now suddenly want to be a family when for so many years they weren't. His siblings' spouses think I am unfriendly and don't want to contribute, but frankly they weren't around for all the bad stuff.

I have tried therapy, but it didn't help. I just want nothing to do with these people. I am perfectly fine with DH and the kids spending time with them, but my kids wonder why I am always so unhappy at Christmas and other family get togethers that they have - frankly, I wish I could tell the kids that I am only there so they don't ask why I don't go, but that doesn't seem like the right thing to do either.

I know this is rambly and incoherent, but the whole situation just keeps making me angry. I know the right approach is to probably let bygones be bygones...but I just can't do that. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

[Anonymous]

1. You could have said no then. You chose to do it.

2. You can say no now. What is the problem?

[Anonymous]

I understand that you justifiable resentment has festered and is now spilling over onto innocent people's lives, ie the spouses that married into the family and their children.

What you need to do is talk to a therapist. You really MUST let this go, for your continued good health. A therapist will help you get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you justifiable resentment has festered and is now spilling over onto innocent people's lives, ie the spouses that married into the family and their children.

What you need to do is talk to a therapist. You really MUST let this go, for your continued good health. A therapist will help you get through it.

I'm going to second this. I get why you're angry, but it is impacting people who weren't part of the problem at all. Perhaps it's displaced anger over your SN child? Do you wish his family offered you more support as you deal with your child's needs? I think talking this through with someone outside the situation could be helpful to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you justifiable resentment has festered and is now spilling over onto innocent people's lives, ie the spouses that married into the family and their children.

What you need to do is talk to a therapist. You really MUST let this go, for your continued good health. A therapist will help you get through it.

I'm going to second this. I get why you're angry, but it is impacting people who weren't part of the problem at all. Perhaps it's displaced anger over your SN child? Do you wish his family offered you more support as you deal with your child's needs? I think talking this through with someone outside the situation could be helpful to you.

Yes, I get no support from them at all - and it doesn't help that the SN runs in their family, not mine.

Unfortunately, I tried therapy and it hasn't worked (with several different therapists - one of them told me bluntly that I am at the point when nothing other than removing myself from the situation would help). I wish I could, but I can't do it to my kids who actually like their cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you justifiable resentment has festered and is now spilling over onto innocent people's lives, ie the spouses that married into the family and their children.

What you need to do is talk to a therapist. You really MUST let this go, for your continued good health. A therapist will help you get through it.

I'm going to second this. I get why you're angry, but it is impacting people who weren't part of the problem at all. Perhaps it's displaced anger over your SN child? Do you wish his family offered you more support as you deal with your child's needs? I think talking this through with someone outside the situation could be helpful to you.

Yes, I get no support from them at all - and it doesn't help that the SN runs in their family, not mine.

Unfortunately, I tried therapy and it hasn't worked (with several different therapists - one of them told me bluntly that I am at the point when nothing other than removing myself from the situation would help). I wish I could, but I can't do it to my kids who actually like their cousins.

Have you dont CBT therapy?
Could you be depressed and need actual medication?
Would it help, as a last resort, for your husband to explain this to the others to see whether they can be more understanding (not likely, but I'm considering all options)?

If nothing works, then don't feel guilty about not participating. You can only do so much, OP, and you have to enjoy the life you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You could have said no then. You chose to do it.

2. You can say no now. What is the problem?

Well, I love my husband. Somebody had to do right by him.

I know I can say no. But my kids actually like their cousins and they are not old enough to hear the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you justifiable resentment has festered and is now spilling over onto innocent people's lives, ie the spouses that married into the family and their children.

What you need to do is talk to a therapist. You really MUST let this go, for your continued good health. A therapist will help you get through it.

I'm going to second this. I get why you're angry, but it is impacting people who weren't part of the problem at all. Perhaps it's displaced anger over your SN child? Do you wish his family offered you more support as you deal with your child's needs? I think talking this through with someone outside the situation could be helpful to you.

Yes, I get no support from them at all - and it doesn't help that the SN runs in their family, not mine.

Unfortunately, I tried therapy and it hasn't worked (with several different therapists - one of them told me bluntly that I am at the point when nothing other than removing myself from the situation would help). I wish I could, but I can't do it to my kids who actually like their cousins.

Have you dont CBT therapy?
Could you be depressed and need actual medication?
Would it help, as a last resort, for your husband to explain this to the others to see whether they can be more understanding (not likely, but I'm considering all options)?

If nothing works, then don't feel guilty about not participating. You can only do so much, OP, and you have to enjoy the life you have.

I know I am depressed - I am on meds.

What is CBT therapy?

Thank you, it never actually occurred to me to ask DH this - I will talk to him and see how he feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you justifiable resentment has festered and is now spilling over onto innocent people's lives, ie the spouses that married into the family and their children.

What you need to do is talk to a therapist. You really MUST let this go, for your continued good health. A therapist will help you get through it.

I'm going to second this. I get why you're angry, but it is impacting people who weren't part of the problem at all. Perhaps it's displaced anger over your SN child? Do you wish his family offered you more support as you deal with your child's needs? I think talking this through with someone outside the situation could be helpful to you.

Yes, I get no support from them at all - and it doesn't help that the SN runs in their family, not mine.

Unfortunately, I tried therapy and it hasn't worked (with several different therapists - one of them told me bluntly that I am at the point when nothing other than removing myself from the situation would help). I wish I could, but I can't do it to my kids who actually like their cousins.

Whoa! Special needs now DOES run in your family. I really don't think there is any benefit to placing blame on one side of the family for the special needs, nor is it helpful to your child.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

[Anonymous]

How does it benefit you to hold a grudge for 20 years, OP? Is it going to change what happened or who people were and are? Or is it going to continue to poison you and your husband and child? Are you holding out hope that someone from his family will come forward and apologize and hand you a bag of cash? Are you mad at the family in addition for having genes that may have contributed to your child having special needs? You need to ask yourself why you're determined to hold onto this anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

If you were married, you were basically declaring yourselves an independent household unit. That is more how things work in America, especially among families that aren't rich. And, in general, student loans are the obligation of the student, not the parents.

Now, what the siblings did was really shitty, and if you never trust them because of that, I can kind of see it. What does your DH say, though? Has he forgiven them? Lots of people make dumb mistakes when they are young and then grow up to be decent people.

You're going to have to find a way to be around them--minimally, but still. I might ask DH to schedule alternative times to major holidays as much as possible though. It's ok to want Christmas in your own home, for instance.

[Anonymous]

I am dying to hear what your DH says about this. Can you let us know?