Therapist takes DH's side

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here. When one of the partners in a couples counseling session think I am on their side (or against them) it usually indicates a personality disorder in the offended party. Maybe you should look at yourself, OP.

LOL. I hope this is a troll and not an actual therapist. If you are one, I sincerely hope you don't have any actual patients.

Did pp hit a little too close to home?

Is this from said "therapist?" If so,again, we really hope you are not practicing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here. When one of the partners in a couples counseling session think I am on their side (or against them) it usually indicates a personality disorder in the offended party. Maybe you should look at yourself, OP.

LOL. I hope this is a troll and not an actual therapist. If you are one, I sincerely hope you don't have any actual patients.

Did pp hit a little too close to home?

Is this from said "therapist?" If so,again, we really hope you are not practicing.

Who is this "we"?
Are they the voices in your head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it might help you to step back and stop looking at this as an issue of who's right and who's wrong, and start looking at it from the perspective of "what does my behavior get me, and is there anything more constructive I can do." You and your MIL don't get along, and to have you harping on every sideways glance from her just puts your DH in the middle of it, which is a really tough place for him to be. Unless she's doing something that truly does necessitate intervention by him (e.g., she's excluding =you from an extended family vacation and your DH needs to tell her that he's not coming if you're not invited), stand up to her yourself in the moment and then find a friend to vent to. Try to look at it not as him not giving you what you want, but as you giving him some kindness and grace in your marriage.

Sorry,but why isn't DH supporting her? The HUSBAND is the real issue, not actually the MIL.

Which makes me now agree with the pp who said that this is probably the same poster from the 15+ page thread, who held a 20 year grudge because she paid for her husband's college tuition yet blamed his family for it (when CLEARLY it was all the husband's fault).

Why hasn't OP come back to reply?

[Anonymous]

OP, what were the exact words the therapist used?

Did she literally tell you that you were "not allowed" to criticize your MIL? Or was it something more subtle? If so, please share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here. When one of the partners in a couples counseling session think I am on their side (or against them) it usually indicates a personality disorder in the offended party. Maybe you should look at yourself, OP.

Wow..you sound like a fright with a license. I wonder how many marriages you broke up?

Oh for Christ's sake, grow up. That was a serious, calmly presented statement.

I'm well grown. In my 60s, and your presumptive remark makes you sound ineffective in your job. So, I repeat, how many marriages, under your watch, have broken up?

Uh, you're not replying to that therapist. You're replying to a husband frequently a target of a marriage counselor's scrutiny. Those sessions can be tough. If a person is whining on here that a marriage counselor was making her feel bad, it's a good assumption that she said something or has done something quite strange.

[Anonymous]

Jumping in here. When you say bad things about his family you are saying bad things about him. Yeah, that hurts. Don't do it. You don't have to like them. Or get along with them. Or even see them. But don't talk bad about them.

How would you feel if your DH said bad things about your mom, who you love. You would feel crappy. And you are putting him in the impossible position of having to choose you over his mom. His mom! He is half of her.

Makes me nervous that you think it is OK to talk her down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here. When one of the partners in a couples counseling session think I am on their side (or against them) it usually indicates a personality disorder in the offended party. Maybe you should look at yourself, OP.

Wow..you sound like a fright with a license. I wonder how many marriages you broke up?

Oh for Christ's sake, grow up. That was a serious, calmly presented statement.

I'm well grown. In my 60s, and your presumptive remark makes you sound ineffective in your job. So, I repeat, how many marriages, under your watch, have broken up?

There are so few good therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here. When one of the partners in a couples counseling session think I am on their side (or against them) it usually indicates a personality disorder in the offended party. Maybe you should look at yourself, OP.

Wow..you sound like a fright with a license. I wonder how many marriages you broke up?

Oh for Christ's sake, grow up. That was a serious, calmly presented statement.

I'm well grown. In my 60s, and your presumptive remark makes you sound ineffective in your job. So, I repeat, how many marriages, under your watch, have broken up?

Uh, you're not replying to that therapist. You're replying to a husband frequently a target of a marriage counselor's scrutiny. Those sessions can be tough. If a person is whining on here that a marriage counselor was making her feel bad, it's a good assumption that she said something or has done something quite strange.

Or the therapist sucks.

[Anonymous]

Went to couples counseling 3 yrs ago. Counselor told me any issues I had were my problem. I was holding onto the cheating, abuse, and sacrifices I made for DH. It allowed his abuse and cheating to continue for several more years before I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jumping in here. When you say bad things about his family you are saying bad things about him. Yeah, that hurts. Don't do it. You don't have to like them. Or get along with them. Or even see them. But don't talk bad about them.

How would you feel if your DH said bad things about your mom, who you love. You would feel crappy. And you are putting him in the impossible position of having to choose you over his mom. His mom! He is half of her.

Makes me nervous that you think it is OK to talk her down.

This. My sister can be very annoying. Dh doesn't really like her. I get that, but he doesn't have to say it to me. I don't expect them to spend time together, but I don't want to hear from dh that he doesn't like her. He can vent to his brother or his friends about it, not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here. When one of the partners in a couples counseling session think I am on their side (or against them) it usually indicates a personality disorder in the offended party. Maybe you should look at yourself, OP.

Wow..you sound like a fright with a license. I wonder how many marriages you broke up?

Oh for Christ's sake, grow up. That was a serious, calmly presented statement.

I'm well grown. In my 60s, and your presumptive remark makes you sound ineffective in your job. So, I repeat, how many marriages, under your watch, have broken up?

Uh, you're not replying to that therapist. You're replying to a husband frequently a target of a marriage counselor's scrutiny. Those sessions can be tough. If a person is whining on here that a marriage counselor was making her feel bad, it's a good assumption that she said something or has done something quite strange.

Or the therapist sucks.

Np here. In my experience, when one party is really unhappy with a therapist, it's usually because they're being told something they don't want to hear. Some self-reflection is usually in order.

[Anonymous]

This is a shocking as there's tons of misandry in the therapist circles. Been to two for issues and both have completed negated the need for sex for a marriage to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jumping in here. When you say bad things about his family you are saying bad things about him. Yeah, that hurts. Don't do it. You don't have to like them. Or get along with them. Or even see them. But don't talk bad about them.

How would you feel if your DH said bad things about your mom, who you love. You would feel crappy. And you are putting him in the impossible position of having to choose you over his mom. His mom! He is half of her.

Makes me nervous that you think it is OK to talk her down.

This. My sister can be very annoying. Dh doesn't really like her. I get that, but he doesn't have to say it to me. I don't expect them to spend time together, but I don't want to hear from dh that he doesn't like her. He can vent to his brother or his friends about it, not me.

+1000 It is pointless to talk about HIS MOTHER in a negative way to your DH. Don't vent and complain to your DH about his mother who he loves. You are asking him to choose sides and it is a no win situation for him. Your therapist is telling you this so now you are complaining about the therapist choosing sides when the therapist is telling you how it is.

Vent about his mother to your family and friends. Not your DH.

[Anonymous]

Your DH cannot change his mother's behavior--only she, herself can. Have you tried to address it directly with her, OP?

[Anonymous]

I think most therapists don't remain neutral.

In my first marriage, we had a male counselor. He always took my XH's side but I think it was because much of what my XH did didn't seem egregious without the full context and I had trouble articulating everything that happened. I'd get upset, physically shake, forget important details, and shut down verbally rather than risk seeming like a hysterical woman. Then, there came a day when I called for an emergency appointment over an incident that took place between 9 pm and 6 am over email. I forwarded the emails to our therapist and it was a total revelation for him. He finally got what I'd been saying. In that session, he told my XH that he was wrong and he understood why I wanted a separation. Of course, after that my XH refused to ever see that therapist again.

Before I remarried, my new DH and I saw a religious based practice with a married couple. So helpful! I also saw a separate therapist on my own. It helped isolate me issues from us issues. There are things that I didn't say in premarital counseling because I'd already had a practice run. It totally helped to see my issues with my future in laws as me issues and not us issues, BTW. Once I stopped expecting my DH to act as a broker, I learned how to manage my inlaws on my own and our relationship improved.