Therapist takes DH's side

[Anonymous]

Speak up. Use your voice. Ask for it to stop if the therapist wants to keep working with you both. Say it! You owe it to yourself. If it doesn't stop find another therapist for you to go to. I am a therapist and what you describe isn't okay.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a mama's boy, his mother's favorite, but he's pretty good about setting boundaries, and she means well, so I try never to say anything out of anger or irritation about her. Sometimes if there's something I need to get out, I do it in a way that's just remarking on how silly/funny/quirky people are. If she does something that actually upsets me (that may have been literally once) I would be honest and direct with him about it.

[Anonymous]

Hah. Thread full of women who not only think their husbands, MILs, families all have "issues" but then lo and behold: the therapist also is against you for no good reason! The self-delusion is truly staggering.

Look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

His mom is not going to change so complaining about her is all for naught. It just makes your H feel bad because you are right and it sucks. He can't ask her to change and if he did it wouldn't work.

I agree that therapists generally blame the wife... but you just need to suck it up and complain to your girlfriends about her behavior. Wouldn't it be great if your H was your everything but he is not, this on needs to be outsources to friends.

If it becomes toxic then you will eventually stop spending time with them and that is okay. I have lots of friends who send the h and kids to visit his family and take that time to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should bring this up with the therapist to make sure you heard her right. Obviously, it's legitimate for your husband to feel hurt if he feels like you dislike his family (whether or not your dislike is justifiable.) Also it's not "throwing you under the bus" to tell your therapist how he feels about it! It's a perfectly acceptable thing to say in therapy, and in fact is what he should be talking about.

That said, obviously you should be allowed to talk about your feelings as well.

+1 I'd definitely circle back and ask for some clarification -- because either there's confusion or you've landed a dud therapist. MIL should not get a pass on rude/hurtful behavior that is directed toward you. But, since you're probably never going to get along well, I'd pick your battles. so she might be a complete nightmare in general, but I'd only address the stuff that directly impacts you -- like saying something nasty or insulting to/about you that you hear in person. Because that's not okay. And if DH and the therapist think it is okay, or that you should suck it up because saying something is "hurtful" to DH's tender feelings, well...yikes.

I'd steer very clear of addressing any general behavior/comments or anything not heard directly. that's the kind of stuff to snark to a friend about.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the poster who has held a 20+ year grudge over your in-laws not paying for your husband's college & you paid for it yourself?

Writing style is VERY similar & her husband also had only one parent.

[Anonymous]

Honestly hard to say without knowing whether she's saying and doing things that are actually offensive or it is more in the eyes of the beholder ie you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...My therapist is female...

My problem is...I never talk ill of my MIL "just because." It is usually after a night with them, she does something or says something rude or distasteful. I point it out to DH.

Am I in the wrong?

Not a therapist here, but what do you hope to accomplish by pointing out every instance where you feel slighted to your husband? Do you just want him to know you dislike the woman who raised him, or do you also expect him to take sides and speak up on your behalf?

Why don't you just put him on notice that the next time your MIL offends you, you plan to let her know yourself. And then do it, unless you are too weak to do so, in which case you should keep your thoughts to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Do you the your therapist could help you both figure out how to talk about these issues in a way that doesn't threaten or insult your DH? You both should be able to express yourself and have your feelings considered.

Such as...
Step 1: determine what you want from DH when you tell him these things. Do you just want him to acknowledge it with "yeah, that was a shitty thing for mom to say"? Do you want more sympathy from him, or do you want him to stand up for you / talk to his mother and tell her to back off? Understand that some people are "fixers" by nature, and constantly raising issues that have no real solution make them feel attacked and defensive - just a guess here, but that could be what's going on with your DH's reaction, so clearly defining what you expect from him may help.

Step 2: can you phrase your complaints in a way that is less "attacking"? There is a difference between:
"Your mom was such a bitch to me last night, I can't believe she told me I look fat"
And
"I was really caught off guard when your mom commented on my weight. It hurt my feelings because I've been working really hard on keeping my diet in check."
Try to make it more about your feelings, less about MIL being evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should bring this up with the therapist to make sure you heard her right. Obviously, it's legitimate for your husband to feel hurt if he feels like you dislike his family (whether or not your dislike is justifiable.) Also it's not "throwing you under the bus" to tell your therapist how he feels about it! It's a perfectly acceptable thing to say in therapy, and in fact is what he should be talking about.

That said, obviously you should be allowed to talk about your feelings as well.

+1 I'd definitely circle back and ask for some clarification -- because either there's confusion or you've landed a dud therapist. MIL should not get a pass on rude/hurtful behavior that is directed toward you. But, since you're probably never going to get along well, I'd pick your battles. so she might be a complete nightmare in general, but I'd only address the stuff that directly impacts you -- like saying something nasty or insulting to/about you that you hear in person. Because that's not okay. And if DH and the therapist think it is okay, or that you should suck it up because saying something is "hurtful" to DH's tender feelings, well...yikes.

I'd steer very clear of addressing any general behavior/comments or anything not heard directly. that's the kind of stuff to snark to a friend about.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is pretty much all your problem; you are failing to accept people as they are and when they don't act exactly the way you want them to you complain to those who have absolutely no power to change them.

Why would you complain to your husband about his mother when he has no power to change his mothers behavior? If you have a problem with his mother then you should bring it up to his mother, but you won't bring it up to his mother will you? You will just continue to triangulate and add the long list of slights that you think keep you in the position where you are.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered the possibility that maybe your therapist might be attracted to your husband, and may be subconsciously manifesting those feelings?

Women are far more perceptive than men, and while your husband might be oblivious to this, I'd say you're clearly picking up something, and maybe it's manifesting as you thinking she's siding with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...My therapist is female...

My problem is...I never talk ill of my MIL "just because." It is usually after a night with them, she does something or says something rude or distasteful. I point it out to DH.

Am I in the wrong?

NP here with an awful mil. I vent to my SIL (dh's bro's wife), but I don't say anything to dh. There's no point. I limit my time with her. Complaining to dh just means he either has to speak badly about his mom or defend her, neither is a good position.

When you talk to him about it, what is your goal? If you're taking that step, it should be with a purpose. In your shoes, I would work on limiting your exposure to her, and find other people to vent to about her behaviour.

OP here.

I am not bringing her bad behavior to his attention to hurt him obviously. He seems to not notice the things that she does and says that are IMO highly inappropriate and problematic. I worry he thinks they ARE ok and that makes me nervous.

I'm still not sure what that gets you. You push your dh to say yes, mil said inappropriate things. Then what? As others have pointed out, you've gotten him to say something bad about his own mother, or forced him to defend her behaviour. He still can't change what she said, and either way he feels crappy about it. If you have a goal here, it should be beyond forcing your dh to acknowledge her crappiness. If you want to reduce the amount of time you spend with her, focus on that, not getting him to agree she's annoying/sucky/a b*^ch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...My therapist is female...

My problem is...I never talk ill of my MIL "just because." It is usually after a night with them, she does something or says something rude or distasteful. I point it out to DH.

Am I in the wrong?

NP here with an awful mil. I vent to my SIL (dh's bro's wife), but I don't say anything to dh. There's no point. I limit my time with her. Complaining to dh just means he either has to speak badly about his mom or defend her, neither is a good position.

When you talk to him about it, what is your goal? If you're taking that step, it should be with a purpose. In your shoes, I would work on limiting your exposure to her, and find other people to vent to about her behaviour.

OP here.

I am not bringing her bad behavior to his attention to hurt him obviously. He seems to not notice the things that she does and says that are IMO highly inappropriate and problematic. I worry he thinks they ARE ok and that makes me nervous.

I'm still not sure what that gets you. You push your dh to say yes, mil said inappropriate things. Then what? As others have pointed out, you've gotten him to say something bad about his own mother, or forced him to defend her behaviour. He still can't change what she said, and either way he feels crappy about it. If you have a goal here, it should be beyond forcing your dh to acknowledge her crappiness. If you want to reduce the amount of time you spend with her, focus on that, not getting him to agree she's annoying/sucky/a b*^ch.

I agree. Don't make him choose sides. Save it for when it's important. Vent to someone else. Maybe get an individual therapist to help you deal with his mom. But informing him of every slight is pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hah. Thread full of women who not only think their husbands, MILs, families all have "issues" but then lo and behold: the therapist also is against you for no good reason! The self-delusion is truly staggering.

Look in the mirror.

According to this thread if the therapist doesn't agree with the woman and take her side against her DH then the therapist is misogynistic and a bad therapist.