Blended family mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.

Hi, I didn't mean to make it sound like my kids are super into sports, they're not. But in the summer we swim a lot because our neighborhood pool is great and it burns off some energy. They are huge readers, like Minecraft and lots of other stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blended families take time and effort, no doubt about it. I've read your posts and it sounds like you're trying hard. I agree with the poster about doing family outings (water slide, putt putt, hiking, canoeing on the river, movie night, game night, basketball outside or at a nearby rec, etc) to help build associations at least.

The only thing I'm wondering about is...you said your younger son goes off to do his own thing. That makes sense because he is in his house and has a bedroom and playroom, etc. Yet your BF's son basically is a "guest" in your house. He doesn't have a bedroom or playroom or someplace he can go. He is probably stuck in the living room or family room with the two of you watching every move. That stinks for a little boy. I would think about this dynamic and see if you can change any thing so that the boy has his own space.

Ugh. I've been the BF's child and in a situation described above starting as a tween. Awful. Would BF's son live with you full time? If not, I hope you and BF have a place for the child when you're married. Nothing like hanging out with the step family when their off doing their own thing and you're stuck in the living room away from friends and no space to put down a book. Even being subjected to the pool makes me shudder. My brother and I went, and behaved, but it was yet another "cold" place for us. We were expected to behave and smile, and we did as we were told, but there was no upside for doing so.

My house is plenty big for him to have his own bedroom. He never brings anything with him but I have plenty of stuff that kids like, from video games to art stuff to a nice place to hang out outside.

Have you considered telling him that he has a dedicated space that is his or would that feel too permanent to your kids? You would have to follow through, though, and help him make it his own (paint or wall hangings or bedspread of his choice, etc). If you really are moving forward then your BF's kid needs someplace that is his so he isn't a "guest" in your house. Because right now I see that he has three places: with his mom, sometimes with his dad (it sounds unstable), as a "guest" with you and your kids. That is an awful lot of shuffling around for a little one and it doesn't sound like he really has a place to call his own. Frankly, it may be too much for that to be at your house given the fragility of your relationship with the BF but, on the other hand, if the relationship between the children is the major stumbling block then it may be a good idea given the group dynamics. Wow, my heart goes out to that little boy. Have you considered family therapy or couples therapy? Best wishes and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Your social life isn't your young son's responsibility. I think you two are not going to make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we were planning to get married in the next year or so, but that's on indefinite hold for various reasons (this is the big one though). I would be happy dating indefinitely but I don't think BF would be interested in that.

What makes it difficult as well is that I think his son has been a little spoiled - as an only child I think he has always been able to dictate what his parents do and he doesn't want to try new things. That is one of the reasons that I am holding off of marriage, I think that my kids will always have to do what he picks because he will tantrum until he gets what he wants. My kids are used to taking turns but I think he's never had to do that. The school he goes to is non-conventional so I don't think he's had to follow normal rules that I would expect kids to follow.

If you can write what you just wrote, you should not be marrying this man. This is too much to put on your kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, people have given you a lot of good suggestions here re: not considering it a play date for the boys, planning organized family outings where everyone participates outside of the house, suggesting that your boyfriend sign his kid up for swimming lessons, giving the kid a space to play alone in your house. Hopefully some of these things will help. However, your responses seem very focused on how unhappy you are with your the behavior of your boyfriend and his child. Is this relationship something that you really want to move forward with? It doesn't sound like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.

Hi, I didn't mean to make it sound like my kids are super into sports, they're not. But in the summer we swim a lot because our neighborhood pool is great and it burns off some energy. They are huge readers, like Minecraft and lots of other stuff.

OP - you also need to know that neighborhood pools are notoriously cliquey places. You might think it is fun there, and for your kids maybe it is, but it might be terribly lonely for this other guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, people have given you a lot of good suggestions here re: not considering it a play date for the boys, planning organized family outings where everyone participates outside of the house, suggesting that your boyfriend sign his kid up for swimming lessons, giving the kid a space to play alone in your house. Hopefully some of these things will help. However, your responses seem very focused on how unhappy you are with your the behavior of your boyfriend and his child. Is this relationship something that you really want to move forward with? It doesn't sound like it.

I think at this point I am just exhausted. I already have a lot on my plate with a full time job and two kids. I love my BF but he has some health issues and other reasons that he will never be able to contribute as much as I would need him to to take a little off my plate. I think it would make his life easier to move into his house and take care of his child. I'm not sure it would be smart for me to do that.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, typo - my house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.

Hi, I didn't mean to make it sound like my kids are super into sports, they're not. But in the summer we swim a lot because our neighborhood pool is great and it burns off some energy. They are huge readers, like Minecraft and lots of other stuff.

OP - you also need to know that neighborhood pools are notoriously cliquey places. You might think it is fun there, and for your kids maybe it is, but it might be terribly lonely for this other guy.

We don't know anyone there either, have only lived here for a short time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.

Hi, I didn't mean to make it sound like my kids are super into sports, they're not. But in the summer we swim a lot because our neighborhood pool is great and it burns off some energy. They are huge readers, like Minecraft and lots of other stuff.

OP - you also need to know that neighborhood pools are notoriously cliquey places. You might think it is fun there, and for your kids maybe it is, but it might be terribly lonely for this other guy.

We don't know anyone there either, have only lived here for a short time.

But you live there. You aren't guests. Do you really not see a difference?

The effort your kids put out to get to know the space, fit in, make it theirs, that all gets paid back to them. They'll make friends, they'll set up routines, they're working on building their lives.

The effort this other kid puts in? Just more effort. He's not making friends he gets to keep. He's not learning skills he gets to keep using. He's not making a space that's going to be his. He's not learning routines that will stick around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.

Hi, I didn't mean to make it sound like my kids are super into sports, they're not. But in the summer we swim a lot because our neighborhood pool is great and it burns off some energy. They are huge readers, like Minecraft and lots of other stuff.

OP - you also need to know that neighborhood pools are notoriously cliquey places. You might think it is fun there, and for your kids maybe it is, but it might be terribly lonely for this other guy.

We don't know anyone there either, have only lived here for a short time.

But you live there. You aren't guests. Do you really not see a difference?

The effort your kids put out to get to know the space, fit in, make it theirs, that all gets paid back to them. They'll make friends, they'll set up routines, they're working on building their lives.

The effort this other kid puts in? Just more effort. He's not making friends he gets to keep. He's not learning skills he gets to keep using. He's not making a space that's going to be his. He's not learning routines that will stick around.

Honestly, he won't go to the pool at this point, so none of this makes any difference.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

I have. I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading this and feeling like the thread is ready to die. OP, you've gotten all the advice you can get. You've pushed back at a lot of it or made excuses. Ill BF looking for additional adult to help parent his child. You resent BF and aren't happy with his young child's behavior.

I think you know this is not a good long-term relationship for you two or your respective children. At this point, continuing to drag this out and put the kids through this isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

This relationship is not going to work out. You two would need to be on the same page about parenting and you're not, whatsoever. Good to figure that out now rather than after you've gotten married.