Blended family mess
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I think your boyfriend is too demanding. I think you need to be realistic. Either see him without the kids and both agree it's temporary with no marriage in the future, or he need to learn to not expect so much from a 7yo child. He is already mad at your son, and he sees him for brief amounts of time. That's a bad sign. This guy doesn't seem like marriage material. |
Anonymous
Well, honestly, it is normal for kids that age to get frustrated at things that they aren't good at/comfortable with. If the pool is a big thing for your family, perhaps your boyfriend can sign his son up for swimming lessons? |
Anonymous
OP here, yes, I agree. I think what is frustrating for me is that I have to do all the work - hosting, providing snacks, and making sure my kid is being polite, sharing toys, etc. Whereas his kid can take over my place, take any toy he wants and make demands for things. His child never has to share or compromise in any way - but when my kid doesn't want to play I am the bad guy, or my kid is. |
Anonymous
don't get married. you clearly have issues with this kid and are not willing to step-parent appropriately. |
Anonymous
+1. This is not a good mix. You guys need to sort this issues out before proceeding. As a stepmom, trust me when I say that these issues will be magnified once you're all officially "blended" and in the same home. Do the work now and decide if this is something you need to bail on. |
Anonymous
| It doesn't sound like either of you likes the other's child that much. In light of that, I think it is going to be a difficult situation to blend your families. There are things you can do to make it better (have him host half of the family get-togethers, meet at places other than your houses), but I don't know if it will ultimately make it workable if you don't like each other's kids. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
|
In my blended situation, both our elementary age children were only children. And spoiled. And used to having their single parent all to themselves.
One kid was very very girl, one was very very tomboy. We basically just took turns doing what each wanted to do for awhile, and doing activities that were new to all of us, etc. 10 years later, and both girls are pretty well rounded thanks to the other. I think the biggest key in how well this will play out is how you and your BF navigate it. Some of the points you make "he is mad" "he expects" etc, won't bode well long term. |
Anonymous
| As a product of a blended family, it seems to me like you and your boyfriend have unreasonable expectations for how close your son and his son should be. My step brother is 3 years younger (and was 2 grades below) me and my mom and step dad didn't expect us to be close friends - they expected us to be nice to each other if the family did an activity together, and make conversation at meals, but other than that, they didn't force us to hang out if we wanted to do our own thing in the house. As an adult, I think my step brother is a nice guy but we have totally different interests, and don't really talk except for at holidays if the family gets together (or a call on one of our birthdays). Why are you trying to force these kids to be friends? Because they're the same gender? |
Anonymous
I agree. Both children could be seen as acting differently, but appropriately for their ages, especially when you add the "we hope to be a happy family" pressure. They may not be all that keen on the idea to begin with. But instead of seeing both kids as a little needy and unsettled, both of you find the other's child annoying and rigid, and want that child to change while your child should not have to. Extrapolate the next 11-12 years of living in the same household, and the kids are really going to be unhappy and make you unhappy. |
Anonymous
OP here. I don't have the expectation that they be friends - I grew up with siblings that I didn't share many interests with. It's more my BF that thinks that because it's a play date, they have to play together. My feeling is that it is enough that they do what they want, in close proximity, and be polite to each other. At our last play date we tried to get them to interact on a project, but it was a project where they needed to take turns in one aspect of it, and his son kept interrupting mine because he didn't want to wait for his turn. So my kid was annoyed although we tried to keep going. Then BFs son had a tantrum because he didn't want to follow the rules, which ended the play date. Our kids would probably never end up becoming friends in a school situation, so it seems crazy to expect them to have a successful play date. |
Anonymous
Totally agree. Have you guys tried counseling? It could really be helpful in this situation. You need an independent 3rd person experienced in these situations to help you both identify what's reasonable and expectations. |
Anonymous
It's not a play date. A play date is when your child asks to have another kid over and you arrange it for him. This is your boyfriend and his son coming over. If you want the kids to get to know each other a big, plan activities for the whole family to do together. |
Anonymous
| The problem isn't the children it's your BF's unreasonable expectations and putting all of the problem on OP/OP's kids. Siblings do not need to play together all the time, family activities can be planned to include everyone, balanced with time for kids' to do their own thing. But as long BF expects his child to dictate what the other kids do and for the family activity to always be what his child wants to do then any marriage is doomed to fail. If your BF isn't willing to talk this out, compromise, and parent his child then you probably should break up. It's not going to get better. |
Anonymous
+1 |