Blended family mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't the children it's your BF's unreasonable expectations and putting all of the problem on OP/OP's kids. Siblings do not need to play together all the time, family activities can be planned to include everyone, balanced with time for kids' to do their own thing. But as long BF expects his child to dictate what the other kids do and for the family activity to always be what his child wants to do then any marriage is doomed to fail. If your BF isn't willing to talk this out, compromise, and parent his child then you probably should break up. It's not going to get better.

OP here, when his child is bossy he says he's "being a leader." So he seems to encourage it. This makes me nuts. I tell him that it is fine if he asserts himself, but part of being a leader is listening to others and accepting input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. We spend most of our free time in the summer at the pool, but BFs son doesn't swim (and it sounds like he doesn't really want to try, gets frustrated).

Well, honestly, it is normal for kids that age to get frustrated at things that they aren't good at/comfortable with. If the pool is a big thing for your family, perhaps your boyfriend can sign his son up for swimming lessons?

OP here, yes, I agree. I think what is frustrating for me is that I have to do all the work - hosting, providing snacks, and making sure my kid is being polite, sharing toys, etc. Whereas his kid can take over my place, take any toy he wants and make demands for things. His child never has to share or compromise in any way - but when my kid doesn't want to play I am the bad guy, or my kid is.

I'm having trouble understanding why you're getting married at all. You said you don't even want to. Plus, your boyfriend is perfectly happy with you doing all the work AND harps on you for not forcing your kid to play with his kid. How do you think this is going to be any different when you start living together? It won't. Sounds like you'll just be adding TWO more children for YOU to take care of. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. We spend most of our free time in the summer at the pool, but BFs son doesn't swim (and it sounds like he doesn't really want to try, gets frustrated).

Well, honestly, it is normal for kids that age to get frustrated at things that they aren't good at/comfortable with. If the pool is a big thing for your family, perhaps your boyfriend can sign his son up for swimming lessons?

OP here, yes, I agree. I think what is frustrating for me is that I have to do all the work - hosting, providing snacks, and making sure my kid is being polite, sharing toys, etc. Whereas his kid can take over my place, take any toy he wants and make demands for things. His child never has to share or compromise in any way - but when my kid doesn't want to play I am the bad guy, or my kid is.

I'm having trouble understanding why you're getting married at all. You said you don't even want to. Plus, your boyfriend is perfectly happy with you doing all the work AND harps on you for not forcing your kid to play with his kid. How do you think this is going to be any different when you start living together? It won't. Sounds like you'll just be adding TWO more children for YOU to take care of. No thanks.

OP here, yes, for me marriage is off the table indefinitely. I am trying to decide if I should continue the relationship if marriage is not in the future, or if I should just leave it as is. We have not had a play date in five weeks since the tantrum incident. Perhaps we will just leave it that way and just see each other when we don't have the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't the children it's your BF's unreasonable expectations and putting all of the problem on OP/OP's kids. Siblings do not need to play together all the time, family activities can be planned to include everyone, balanced with time for kids' to do their own thing. But as long BF expects his child to dictate what the other kids do and for the family activity to always be what his child wants to do then any marriage is doomed to fail. If your BF isn't willing to talk this out, compromise, and parent his child then you probably should break up. It's not going to get better.

OP here, when his child is bossy he says he's "being a leader." So he seems to encourage it. This makes me nuts. I tell him that it is fine if he asserts himself, but part of being a leader is listening to others and accepting input.

you're wayyy off on the wrong foot here. your expectations are far too high for how the kids are going to interact, and you're clearly operating from a basic viewpoint that your BF's kid is bad and his parenting is bad. Unless you can learn to work together and learn to actually like this kid, it's not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't the children it's your BF's unreasonable expectations and putting all of the problem on OP/OP's kids. Siblings do not need to play together all the time, family activities can be planned to include everyone, balanced with time for kids' to do their own thing. But as long BF expects his child to dictate what the other kids do and for the family activity to always be what his child wants to do then any marriage is doomed to fail. If your BF isn't willing to talk this out, compromise, and parent his child then you probably should break up. It's not going to get better.

OP here, when his child is bossy he says he's "being a leader." So he seems to encourage it. This makes me nuts. I tell him that it is fine if he asserts himself, but part of being a leader is listening to others and accepting input.

you're wayyy off on the wrong foot here. your expectations are far too high for how the kids are going to interact, and you're clearly operating from a basic viewpoint that your BF's kid is bad and his parenting is bad. Unless you can learn to work together and learn to actually like this kid, it's not going to work.

OP here, I don't think his kid is bad, but I reel in my kids if they are impolite to other kids or are bossy. My BF pretty much sits in a chair and lets his kid do whatever he wants in my house. Dad's fault, I think. Either way, I don't want to host if this is going to be the dynamic. It is just one more kid to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?

Except OP is trying NOT to force the kids to play together. To just let them each do their own thing when they're all at her house. But her BF is insisting that the boys play together even though they don't want to.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?


Except OP is trying NOT to force the kids to play together. To just let them each do their own thing when they're all at her house. But her BF is insisting that the boys play together even though they don't want to.

Ok, but even accepting that as true she is definitely having a negative reaction to the kid (his lack of effort in swimming, his having a tantrum). He didn't ask to go to her house. The problem is his dad, not him.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you all hang out together at your house instead of expecting the kids to entertain each other while you two do whatever?

[Anonymous]

You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.

Hi, it is definitely not a date for me, I am busy supervising the two younger kids. My other son is older and mostly stays upstairs (he is five years older and usually comes down to say hello then retreats to his room).

[Anonymous]

Your BF needs to chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.

Hi, it is definitely not a date for me, I am busy supervising the two younger kids. My other son is older and mostly stays upstairs (he is five years older and usually comes down to say hello then retreats to his room).

Stepmom here, and this is totally a date for you. The boys aren't friends, the boys clearly aren't asking to hang out or play together. When kids are toddlers, the parents choose the playmates and schedule play dates based on the adults they want to be with. By elementary school, playdates are about the kids not the adults. It may not feel date-like, but it is.

And "one more kid to parent" is exactly what will happen when you blend your families, which you appear to be trying to do. Your BF will have two more kids to parent. My feeling is that both of you have very unrealistic expectations. You keep talking about "hosting" as if this is a playdate where the other family doesn't reciprocate. Get out of the play date mindset. How do you and your BF want to build a potentially happy, blended dynamic regardless of whether you are married? Plan activities that involve the adults and the kids together, lots of ideas from posters already.

Right now I give this an almost zero percent chance of working out, without the intervention of a counselor specializing in blending families.

[Anonymous]

Blended families take time and effort, no doubt about it. I've read your posts and it sounds like you're trying hard. I agree with the poster about doing family outings (water slide, putt putt, hiking, canoeing on the river, movie night, game night, basketball outside or at a nearby rec, etc) to help build associations at least.

The only thing I'm wondering about is...you said your younger son goes off to do his own thing. That makes sense because he is in his house and has a bedroom and playroom, etc. Yet your BF's son basically is a "guest" in your house. He doesn't have a bedroom or playroom or someplace he can go. He is probably stuck in the living room or family room with the two of you watching every move. That stinks for a little boy. I would think about this dynamic and see if you can change any thing so that the boy has his own space.

[Anonymous]

I think that it's possible that this is an adjustment thing. It sounds like the kids are meeting in a situation that both parents conceptualized to be a play date - where the kids play together for their own benefit - rather than a family event. Clearly the play date concept isn't working because at least one of the kids involved isn't into it. If this was any other child, you wouldn't be scheduling further play dates.

I think that the problem is that OP's boyfriend not only doesn't seem to realize that it's actually NOT a play date in the usual sense but that his expectations are actively making it harder for any kind of positive family time to occur. It sounds like his kid is pretty spoiled in that he never has to engage in any activity he doesn't like and like he is never disciplined for bad behavior.

I have a friend who has a child that is like this. He is the same age as my daughter, and early on, my friend wanted to have lots of play dates because our kids were the same age and WE got along. The problem is that my kid doesn't like her kid. It's not fun for her to play with him because he's both bossy and whiny. She doesn't want to have play dates with him so we don't. I see my friend without kids at other times, and that works fine.

But I'm not dating her.

OP, I would end the relationship.