Blended family mess

[Anonymous]

OP, so many concerning things here. He doesn't want to host, he isn't parenting his son in a way you approve of (understandable why you don't, from what you describe), he puts the burden on you. If you move in together or marry it will only compound. Do you want to be a marriage where all the burden falls on you?

[Anonymous]

What is it you see in this person?

[Anonymous]

Seriously, why are you in this relationship with such an inflexible person who needs to have everything his own way? Sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

700 sq. feet for 5 people (4 if OP's older son goes elsewhere) sounds really cramped so I can see why he doesn't want to host. He could still plan activities though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:700 sq. feet for 5 people (4 if OP's older son goes elsewhere) sounds really cramped so I can see why he doesn't want to host. He could still plan activities though.

WTF. I grew up in a US neighborhood where 800-900sqft SFH houses were the norm. He can't/won't host for a couple hours? OP's older child couldn't / wouldn't be able to do anything there? This story is whacked.

[Anonymous]

OP, what I don't like about this setup is that it seems that it's all on you. You provide the experience of the date/playdate, and they sit back and decide if they like or don't like it. It's like you, your house and your children are all part of the show to which your BF and his son have bought tickets, and they feel entitled to "enjoy" the experience, and pout if they don't. That's not a good setup. He needs to step up and actually do something for you instead of consuming what you provide.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

I have. I agree with you.

And you should suggest he get the lessons at a pool near where the kid is most of the time, and can access regularly. It shouldn't be associated with you. It should be for him and his kid.

At this point, if the relationship moves forward, I'm sure the kid will view it as something he has to do to appease/satisfy dad's GF. Good luck getting the kid near a pool after that.

OP here, I was mentioning the pool mostly because it's what we do on the weekends if it's not raining. My kids would be annoyed if they had to stay home and putter around the house on a nice day just to appease my BF and his son. The fact that he won't swim just means that we have less time to get together. Ultimately it's up to his parents to make sure he learns to swim or not. But again, taking the summer off seems like a good idea.

Try shifting this around - because your kids won't do what BF's kid likes to do, you have less time to get together.

The pool is not the only thing to do in the summer. Forcing BF's kid outside his own comfort zone, while your kids get to stay in theirs, all summer is not the only thing you can do.

I understand the issues you have with his parenting, but it also sounds like you have a lot of "our way is right" going on. Some people don't like the pool. I only go to the pool because my kids love it. If they hated it, we could go bowling instead, which is what we did before they could swim and decided they preferred hanging at the pool.

If BF doesn't like all the activities that GF plans, he needs to step up and suggest things to do. Or have son bring stuff to do. Why does OP have to do all the work and then get blamed?

Does BF even know what his son likes to do? If he doesn't live with his son, he could be very disconnected. That's why I suggest BF spend more time alone with kid, and maybe have blended time on a rainy day, or maybe every other month. I wonder what kid of co-parent was with the child's mother?

I'm betting he doesn't, and that this relationship is pretty new. The whole "our kids like completely opposite things" for a 6 and 7 year old? No overlap? And not being able to spend time at BFs for unexplained reasons.

It just sounds fishy.

OP here. His apartment is tiny and there wouldn't be anything for my older kid to do. I think the apt is maybe 700 sq feet. I'm there all the time, but it's not really set up to have guests over.

So it's completely ok for his younger kid to have to bring things to do at your house while your children ignore him, but your older kid can't bring something to entertain himself for a couple hours?

OP here, as I said above, he has said he doesn't want to host.

No, op, you said your older kid wouldn't have anything to do. You said

OP here. His apartment is tiny and there wouldn't be anything for my older kid to do. I think the apt is maybe 700 sq feet. I'm there all the time, but it's not really set up to have guests over.

So, it's becoming more clear that you want his i d to adjust to your kid's lifestyle, but you're not willing to have your kid's adjust to his kid's lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, why are you in this relationship with such an inflexible person who needs to have everything his own way? Sounds awful.

Actually, sounds more like OP is the one that's expecting her bf kid to accommodate her kids.

Op, try bringing your kid's to nd apartment and then watch his kid go off into his room and ignore your kid. Then watch your kid throw a tantrum and come back here .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:700 sq. feet for 5 people (4 if OP's older son goes elsewhere) sounds really cramped so I can see why he doesn't want to host. He could still plan activities though.

How much space does it take to watch a movie or play a board game? To make dinner and dessert together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, why are you in this relationship with such an inflexible person who needs to have everything his own way? Sounds awful.

Actually, sounds more like OP is the one that's expecting her bf kid to accommodate her kids.

Op, try bringing your kid's to nd apartment and then watch his kid go off into his room and ignore your kid. Then watch your kid throw a tantrum and come back here .

But the BF doesn't want OP to bring her kids to his apartment. Because apparently he wants to be lazy and make OP to all the work to figure out their time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we were planning to get married in the next year or so, but that's on indefinite hold for various reasons (this is the big one though). I would be happy dating indefinitely but I don't think BF would be interested in that.

What makes it difficult as well is that I think his son has been a little spoiled - as an only child I think he has always been able to dictate what his parents do and he doesn't want to try new things. That is one of the reasons that I am holding off of marriage, I think that my kids will always have to do what he picks because he will tantrum until he gets what he wants. My kids are used to taking turns but I think he's never had to do that. The school he goes to is non-conventional so I don't think he's had to follow normal rules that I would expect kids to follow.

OP, there are so many red flags in this situation, I don't even know where to start. Please do not further disrupt your kids' lives by marrying this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:don't get married. you clearly have issues with this kid and are not willing to step-parent appropriately.

OP Agreed , don't get married but not because of what this ^^^ person said. You sound like you have bent over backwards to accommodate his son. Your boyfriend sounds like a brat who is raising a bratty child. It's already creating issues and they won't get better by getting married. He will become resentful of your child who will be living with you both full time.