Blended family mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

I have. I agree with you.

And you should suggest he get the lessons at a pool near where the kid is most of the time, and can access regularly. It shouldn't be associated with you. It should be for him and his kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.

Hi, I didn't mean to make it sound like my kids are super into sports, they're not. But in the summer we swim a lot because our neighborhood pool is great and it burns off some energy. They are huge readers, like Minecraft and lots of other stuff.

OP - you also need to know that neighborhood pools are notoriously cliquey places. You might think it is fun there, and for your kids maybe it is, but it might be terribly lonely for this other guy.

We don't know anyone there either, have only lived here for a short time.

But you live there. You aren't guests. Do you really not see a difference?

The effort your kids put out to get to know the space, fit in, make it theirs, that all gets paid back to them. They'll make friends, they'll set up routines, they're working on building their lives.

The effort this other kid puts in? Just more effort. He's not making friends he gets to keep. He's not learning skills he gets to keep using. He's not making a space that's going to be his. He's not learning routines that will stick around.

Honestly, he won't go to the pool at this point, so none of this makes any difference.

It could make a difference in your understanding and approach, but I guess not.

Don't marry this man. You don't like his kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading this and feeling like the thread is ready to die. OP, you've gotten all the advice you can get. You've pushed back at a lot of it or made excuses. Ill BF looking for additional adult to help parent his child. You resent BF and aren't happy with his young child's behavior.

I think you know this is not a good long-term relationship for you two or your respective children. At this point, continuing to drag this out and put the kids through this isn't fair.

OP here, didn't really mean to push back - this thread actually got me thinking about lots of things to try and has been very helpful. Right now, I think I'm very burned out. I think I will stop the invites for the summer and will see how we feel in the fall. I really need BF to step up, and he has shown no signs of being able to do that. Parenting is hard work and I think that a lot of times he takes the easy way out. In a marriage situation that just wouldn't work for me. I am not sure that I want marriage at all in any case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.

Hi, I didn't mean to make it sound like my kids are super into sports, they're not. But in the summer we swim a lot because our neighborhood pool is great and it burns off some energy. They are huge readers, like Minecraft and lots of other stuff.

OP - you also need to know that neighborhood pools are notoriously cliquey places. You might think it is fun there, and for your kids maybe it is, but it might be terribly lonely for this other guy.

We don't know anyone there either, have only lived here for a short time.

But you live there. You aren't guests. Do you really not see a difference?

The effort your kids put out to get to know the space, fit in, make it theirs, that all gets paid back to them. They'll make friends, they'll set up routines, they're working on building their lives.

The effort this other kid puts in? Just more effort. He's not making friends he gets to keep. He's not learning skills he gets to keep using. He's not making a space that's going to be his. He's not learning routines that will stick around.

Honestly, he won't go to the pool at this point, so none of this makes any difference.

It could make a difference in your understanding and approach, but I guess not.

Don't marry this man. You don't like his kid.

I do like his kid. I don't like how he is parenting his kid, or not parenting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

I have. I agree with you.

And you should suggest he get the lessons at a pool near where the kid is most of the time, and can access regularly. It shouldn't be associated with you. It should be for him and his kid.

If the boy doesn't like it they don't make him go. They have tried already.

[Anonymous]

OP here, didn't really mean to push back - this thread actually got me thinking about lots of things to try and has been very helpful. Right now, I think I'm very burned out. I think I will stop the invites for the summer and will see how we feel in the fall. I really need BF to step up, and he has shown no signs of being able to do that. Parenting is hard work and I think that a lot of times he takes the easy way out. In a marriage situation that just wouldn't work for me. I am not sure that I want marriage at all in any case.

That sounds like a good approach. It sounds like the issue is deeper than the interactions between his child and your son. That could be resolved with some work, but it doesn't necessarily sound like the rest of it can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, didn't really mean to push back - this thread actually got me thinking about lots of things to try and has been very helpful. Right now, I think I'm very burned out. I think I will stop the invites for the summer and will see how we feel in the fall. I really need BF to step up, and he has shown no signs of being able to do that. Parenting is hard work and I think that a lot of times he takes the easy way out. In a marriage situation that just wouldn't work for me. I am not sure that I want marriage at all in any case.

NP. OP, I'm glad you recognize this. As I read your posts, I thought "this sounds exactly like my SIL." She does the bare minimum for her kid--provides food, water, shelter--but that's pretty much it. Hardly interacts with him. Always foisting him off on someone else so she doesn't have to do the heavy lift of parenting. It's so frustrating. The end result is a kid who alternates between lashing out for any sort of attention and a sullen, withdrawn kid who doesn't want to do anything because he doesn't know how to play. And while you know it's not the kid's fault, it can still be really frustrating and difficult to deal with in the moment. Extra frustrating when you see the parent right there and they're utterly unengaged.

I don't have any advice, but I think you're on the right track to put things on hold this summer and reevaluate.

[Anonymous]

OP, this has nothing to do with common interests. If your kids liked each other, they'd find common ground. There's just no chemistry, and I don't think you can force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

I have. I agree with you.

And you should suggest he get the lessons at a pool near where the kid is most of the time, and can access regularly. It shouldn't be associated with you. It should be for him and his kid.

At this point, if the relationship moves forward, I'm sure the kid will view it as something he has to do to appease/satisfy dad's GF. Good luck getting the kid near a pool after that.

[Anonymous]

At this point, if the relationship moves forward, I'm sure the kid will view it as something he has to do to appease/satisfy dad's GF. Good luck getting the kid near a pool after that.

If the relationship does move forward, which it sounds like it may not, based on OP's responses, it would be a good idea for her to do some fun things one on one with this kid - not swimming, something he likes - so that they can develop a positive relationship. I remember my step-dad (who was a hockey coach) taking me ice skating, and it was a lot of fun and helped build a positive relationship between us. I even invited him to my wedding several years after he and my mom got divorced - they were a terrible match, but he wasn't a bad guy (for someone other than her) and really did try hard to be nice to me.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are just little brats who are impossible for adults to get along with LOL

Good luck, OP. I don't believe blended families ever work, but I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

I have. I agree with you.

And you should suggest he get the lessons at a pool near where the kid is most of the time, and can access regularly. It shouldn't be associated with you. It should be for him and his kid.

At this point, if the relationship moves forward, I'm sure the kid will view it as something he has to do to appease/satisfy dad's GF. Good luck getting the kid near a pool after that.

OP here, I was mentioning the pool mostly because it's what we do on the weekends if it's not raining. My kids would be annoyed if they had to stay home and putter around the house on a nice day just to appease my BF and his son. The fact that he won't swim just means that we have less time to get together. Ultimately it's up to his parents to make sure he learns to swim or not. But again, taking the summer off seems like a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't the children it's your BF's unreasonable expectations and putting all of the problem on OP/OP's kids. Siblings do not need to play together all the time, family activities can be planned to include everyone, balanced with time for kids' to do their own thing. But as long BF expects his child to dictate what the other kids do and for the family activity to always be what his child wants to do then any marriage is doomed to fail. If your BF isn't willing to talk this out, compromise, and parent his child then you probably should break up. It's not going to get better.

OP here, when his child is bossy he says he's "being a leader." So he seems to encourage it. This makes me nuts. I tell him that it is fine if he asserts himself, but part of being a leader is listening to others and accepting input.

Op, it doesn't sound like the two of you are made for each other. You're in for a lifetime of going nuts over his parenting style. I really think you need to break up.

[Anonymous]

Go see a therapist that specializes in blending families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you care about this kid at all, you should definitely encourage his dad to sign him up for swim lessons, regardless of whether he goes to the pool with you. It's a life skill, and its dangerous not to know how to do it.

I have. I agree with you.

And you should suggest he get the lessons at a pool near where the kid is most of the time, and can access regularly. It shouldn't be associated with you. It should be for him and his kid.

At this point, if the relationship moves forward, I'm sure the kid will view it as something he has to do to appease/satisfy dad's GF. Good luck getting the kid near a pool after that.

OP here, I was mentioning the pool mostly because it's what we do on the weekends if it's not raining. My kids would be annoyed if they had to stay home and putter around the house on a nice day just to appease my BF and his son. The fact that he won't swim just means that we have less time to get together. Ultimately it's up to his parents to make sure he learns to swim or not. But again, taking the summer off seems like a good idea.

PP here -- I was reacting to the poster pushing the swim lessons. Seems like rainy days might be a better possible solution for you. The other days BF goes out alone with son, and you ask how those visits went. Hopefully, their alone time goes well, and BF proves he's an engaged parent. Then you might be able to build something from there. Maybe then BF's kid could bring a friend, and they could play as if they were home. Your younger kid could play with friends too. Otherwise, I think BF will either need to dump you, or more likely, I fear, dump his kid.