Blended family mess
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Anonymous
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So I am a mom of two, dating a man with one child. Two of our kids are boys a year apart, so we were hoping they would be able to play peacefully together. But my child has no interest in his - they have polar-opposite interests. So when he comes over with his son, my son will play with his for a few minutes then wander off and do what he wants to do.
So boyfriend is mad about this, says he doesn't want to bring his kid over to my place just to be ignored. I don't feel like I should force my kid to play stuff he is not interested in for many hours. We can't have playdates at BFs place at all for several reasons, so hosting is all on me. My feeling is that we should just meet at playgrounds so there is no pressure for them to play together at all. Is this a salvageable situation or should we just date until everyone is in college? Thanks! |
Anonymous
| how old are the kids? |
Anonymous
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Siblings don't always play together. If you get married, they'll have their own spaces.
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Anonymous
| BF is in wrong. So much emotion in this situation and to expect that kids should like each other just because they are thrown together is unrealistic. If he cannot see that this is a false premise then why would you stay w/him? If you are expecting kids to "play" they must be 12 or under so that would be a very long wait for kids to be out of house |
Anonymous
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Can you go on more outings? Mini golf, arcade, amusement park. Fun places so they maybe get to know each other better?
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Anonymous
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You cant force kids to like each other if they really have different interests. What does his kid like to do?
Its hard if you are always in your kids comfort zone. I am English and I have had friends introduce me to other English people assuming we will become the best of friends because were both from England.....This is the same logic as assuming they will play together just because they are both boys. |
Anonymous
I understand that your boyfriend is concerned about his kid getting left out. I think that realistically, you shouldn't be treating this like a playdate. If it's a family get together, there should be activities for everyone to do together. But clearly, the boys aren't friends and you can't force them to be friends. How old are the kids involved? |
Anonymous
| OP here, thanks for your responses. Kids are six and seven. We have not found any activities they both like, and BF feels my DS is snubbing his by going off and doing things he wants to do. I make sure my kid shares his toys, make sure there are snacks his kid likes, and basically do all the work so that his kid is happy. But BF is not happy. |
Anonymous
| If you're at a point where marriage is imminent - and in my opinion it should be if you're getting the kids together - you should have activities in your home that EACH child likes. So if the other kid is into video games and your kid is into sports you have a basketball hoop and a Wii and you let the kids be themselves. Don't try to force playdates and closeness. That will make them feel negatively about each other and your relationship. |
Anonymous
| Why should they have to play together? Biological siblings don't always have common interests and play together. You should expect your son to be polite to this boy, and kind to him on family outings (such as mini golf, picnics etc.) but if they don't have things in common, why do they have to be friends? |
Anonymous
| Being an only child has many issues when combining with a family of more. BF is being overly sensitive and maybe the relationship isn't ready to be blended. I am divorced and my kids haven't met any of my relationships and the youngest is now 10. |
Anonymous
How is it possible with such young kids that there are not ANY activities they both like to do? I'm not arguing that they need to be friends, or can't have mostly different interests, but there must be at least a few things (going to a pool, a park, a board game) that they can both get some enjoyment out of. |
Anonymous
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OP here, we were planning to get married in the next year or so, but that's on indefinite hold for various reasons (this is the big one though). I would be happy dating indefinitely but I don't think BF would be interested in that.
What makes it difficult as well is that I think his son has been a little spoiled - as an only child I think he has always been able to dictate what his parents do and he doesn't want to try new things. That is one of the reasons that I am holding off of marriage, I think that my kids will always have to do what he picks because he will tantrum until he gets what he wants. My kids are used to taking turns but I think he's never had to do that. The school he goes to is non-conventional so I don't think he's had to follow normal rules that I would expect kids to follow. |
Anonymous
| That is a tough age. That is the age when our family blended together. First off, you both need to lose your attitudes and not take it personal that it isn't working out how you want it to. The get togethers need to be done outside of the home. Playgrounds, circus, water park, etc. does not matter if one doesn't like it. "Mommy likes going to the pool so we are going." "Daddy likes the circus so we are going." Not all outings have to be about what the child likes. Give it time and expect more bumps in the road, that is just life. They do not have to like each other but they have to respect each other. You and bf need to sit down and talk. What does a blended family look like to each of you? How do you each raise your own child? What about discipline? Have the hard talks now and it will be easier later |
Anonymous
| OP here. We spend most of our free time in the summer at the pool, but BFs son doesn't swim (and it sounds like he doesn't really want to try, gets frustrated). |