Husband just threw a pillow at me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--as you can see, a post like yours brings out all the worst misogyny on DCUM. And most PPs are not bothering to read anything other than the title of the post and are just reacting like jerks to the "he threw a pillow" part. I'm sorry you've gotten some ignorant, nasty posts.

You were in a violent relationship and then got into an emotionally abusive relationship and had a child with a man who was emotionally abusive before you were even pregnant. OP, you have made choices that indicate you're repeating a very negative pattern that you must break or else your child will grow up witnessing abuse and thinking an abusive relationship is a normal relationship. Do not try to take your next steps on your own because between being exhausted, being emotionally abused, and having a pattern of questionable choices -- you should not try to handle this without support. Please get to a counselor as fast as you can. For you, not for you and DH as a couple. Also talk to staff at a women's shelter about how to exit an abusive household safely. You do NOT have to be going into a shelter yourself -- you can ask them for advice and contacts like legal help.

If your husband has shown real remorse about cheating, and if he can have a sensible, adult discussion about how the whole pillow thing went down and why it upset you, then you and he might be able to hold things together IF there is any marriage there to save (and staying married "for our child" is not a good idea)-- but ONLY with serious couples therapy and a lot of effort.

It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I concur with this. ^

I’ve read this thread and similar ones in the past. As a man who has demonstrated similar behavior as OP’s DH, I feel I should speak up. And I’ll speak from the perspective of a long-time (prayerfully, reformed) abuser.

The sleep deprived parent explanation is, quite frankly, dangerous and serves as an out for the abuser and a “logical” excuse to the victim. Indeed, sleep deprivation is real – especially for new parents, but it can end up licensing an abuser. My DW, trying to keep things from falling apart, constructed the tiredness excuse and I rode it from one flare up to the next. We had many “pillow toss” incidents. I knew exactly what I was doing when I tossed it and I also knew I could get away it (this says a lot about me and DW). Things escalated, police were called, DC cowered and cried, and I rode on for years this way. These events take a toll and if you are fortunate (as we were), you might make it through them. But please, stop making light of OP’s DH tossing the pillow.

I am not saying OP should pack up and leave. I am saying we should listen very carefully to what she is saying – important context is missing, probably necessarily. But, IMO, our advice to OP should at least err on the side of caution, rather than be dismissive. Years of counseling helped me, but I still suffer setbacks at times – but nowhere near like times before. Counseling is a must. I know my family is happy now; I know I am a good/healthy father and DH. But I definitely worry about the possible long-term fallout DC may have from my behavior. I can’t un-live those dark days and I am very much ashamed of the way I acted. But hopefully my account will help OP and others.

[Anonymous]

Text got buried. Wrote, thanks for sharing your insight. Sounds like you've worked hard.

[Anonymous]

He didn't pick it up either, did he? He obviously saw it there. He could have picked it up. Just like she picks up his dirty boxers.

I made some of that up, BTW. I don't know what kind of underwear he wears.

[Anonymous]

No. Just no. There is no way this thread is legit. The only way I can believe there is still sanity in the world is if the OP is a world class troller, and all the other posts sympathizing / commiserating / indulging her are, in fact, the OP, further trolling us. There is no way a person capable of functioning in the world would consider divorce over a pillow landing ON her. No way. Not buying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--as you can see, a post like yours brings out all the worst misogyny on DCUM. And most PPs are not bothering to read anything other than the title of the post and are just reacting like jerks to the "he threw a pillow" part. I'm sorry you've gotten some ignorant, nasty posts.

You were in a violent relationship and then got into an emotionally abusive relationship and had a child with a man who was emotionally abusive before you were even pregnant. OP, you have made choices that indicate you're repeating a very negative pattern that you must break or else your child will grow up witnessing abuse and thinking an abusive relationship is a normal relationship. Do not try to take your next steps on your own because between being exhausted, being emotionally abused, and having a pattern of questionable choices -- you should not try to handle this without support. Please get to a counselor as fast as you can. For you, not for you and DH as a couple. Also talk to staff at a women's shelter about how to exit an abusive household safely. You do NOT have to be going into a shelter yourself -- you can ask them for advice and contacts like legal help.

If your husband has shown real remorse about cheating, and if he can have a sensible, adult discussion about how the whole pillow thing went down and why it upset you, then you and he might be able to hold things together IF there is any marriage there to save (and staying married "for our child" is not a good idea)-- but ONLY with serious couples therapy and a lot of effort.

It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I concur with this. ^

I’ve read this thread and similar ones in the past. As a man who has demonstrated similar behavior as OP’s DH, I feel I should speak up. And I’ll speak from the perspective of a long-time (prayerfully, reformed) abuser.

The sleep deprived parent explanation is, quite frankly, dangerous and serves as an out for the abuser and a “logical” excuse to the victim. Indeed, sleep deprivation is real – especially for new parents, but it can end up licensing an abuser. My DW, trying to keep things from falling apart, constructed the tiredness excuse and I rode it from one flare up to the next. We had many “pillow toss” incidents. I knew exactly what I was doing when I tossed it and I also knew I could get away it (this says a lot about me and DW). Things escalated, police were called, DC cowered and cried, and I rode on for years this way. These events take a toll and if you are fortunate (as we were), you might make it through them. But please, stop making light of OP’s DH tossing the pillow.

I am not saying OP should pack up and leave. I am saying we should listen very carefully to what she is saying – important context is missing, probably necessarily. But, IMO, our advice to OP should at least err on the side of caution, rather than be dismissive. Years of counseling helped me, but I still suffer setbacks at times – but nowhere near like times before. Counseling is a must. I know my family is happy now; I know I am a good/healthy father and DH. But I definitely worry about the possible long-term fallout DC may have from my behavior. I can’t un-live those dark days and I am very much ashamed of the way I acted. But hopefully my account will help OP and others.

Thank you for this perspective and very glad you are owning your deficiencies and changing.

^OP, from the horse's mouth? Listen!!!!!

[Anonymous]

It's fine. He was pissed and threw a pillow. You were pissed and smacked/pushed him to get the baby. Just forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--as you can see, a post like yours brings out all the worst misogyny on DCUM. And most PPs are not bothering to read anything other than the title of the post and are just reacting like jerks to the "he threw a pillow" part. I'm sorry you've gotten some ignorant, nasty posts.

You were in a violent relationship and then got into an emotionally abusive relationship and had a child with a man who was emotionally abusive before you were even pregnant. OP, you have made choices that indicate you're repeating a very negative pattern that you must break or else your child will grow up witnessing abuse and thinking an abusive relationship is a normal relationship. Do not try to take your next steps on your own because between being exhausted, being emotionally abused, and having a pattern of questionable choices -- you should not try to handle this without support. Please get to a counselor as fast as you can. For you, not for you and DH as a couple. Also talk to staff at a women's shelter about how to exit an abusive household safely. You do NOT have to be going into a shelter yourself -- you can ask them for advice and contacts like legal help.

If your husband has shown real remorse about cheating, and if he can have a sensible, adult discussion about how the whole pillow thing went down and why it upset you, then you and he might be able to hold things together IF there is any marriage there to save (and staying married "for our child" is not a good idea)-- but ONLY with serious couples therapy and a lot of effort.

It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I concur with this. ^

I’ve read this thread and similar ones in the past. As a man who has demonstrated similar behavior as OP’s DH, I feel I should speak up. And I’ll speak from the perspective of a long-time (prayerfully, reformed) abuser.

The sleep deprived parent explanation is, quite frankly, dangerous and serves as an out for the abuser and a “logical” excuse to the victim. Indeed, sleep deprivation is real – especially for new parents, but it can end up licensing an abuser. My DW, trying to keep things from falling apart, constructed the tiredness excuse and I rode it from one flare up to the next. We had many “pillow toss” incidents. I knew exactly what I was doing when I tossed it and I also knew I could get away it (this says a lot about me and DW). Things escalated, police were called, DC cowered and cried, and I rode on for years this way. These events take a toll and if you are fortunate (as we were), you might make it through them. But please, stop making light of OP’s DH tossing the pillow.

I am not saying OP should pack up and leave. I am saying we should listen very carefully to what she is saying – important context is missing, probably necessarily. But, IMO, our advice to OP should at least err on the side of caution, rather than be dismissive. Years of counseling helped me, but I still suffer setbacks at times – but nowhere near like times before. Counseling is a must. I know my family is happy now; I know I am a good/healthy father and DH. But I definitely worry about the possible long-term fallout DC may have from my behavior. I can’t un-live those dark days and I am very much ashamed of the way I acted. But hopefully my account will help OP and others.

Thank you for this perspective and very glad you are owning your deficiencies and changing.

^OP, from the horse's mouth? Listen!!!!!

Another agreement with this. As someone who has lived through abuse, it almost starts with things that, when you tell them to others who are clueless about abuse dynamics, don't seem abusive, like throwing a pillow. Or punching a wall far away from you. Or, in my case, pretending to hyperventilate. All things designed to stimulate the person losing all emotional control, and usually some kind of physicality to 'get out their rage'.

[Anonymous]

Holy sh*t! The over reaction and divorce cheerleaders are unbelievable. The remedy is patience, humility, taking turns, and a good night's sleep for both of you. This is nothing and should be quickly forgotten. The fact that you took the time to post, seek validation, and read this useless thread of B.S. instead of sleeping another 30 minutes speaks volumea to your martyr mentality...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--as you can see, a post like yours brings out all the worst misogyny on DCUM. And most PPs are not bothering to read anything other than the title of the post and are just reacting like jerks to the "he threw a pillow" part. I'm sorry you've gotten some ignorant, nasty posts.

You were in a violent relationship and then got into an emotionally abusive relationship and had a child with a man who was emotionally abusive before you were even pregnant. OP, you have made choices that indicate you're repeating a very negative pattern that you must break or else your child will grow up witnessing abuse and thinking an abusive relationship is a normal relationship. Do not try to take your next steps on your own because between being exhausted, being emotionally abused, and having a pattern of questionable choices -- you should not try to handle this without support. Please get to a counselor as fast as you can. For you, not for you and DH as a couple. Also talk to staff at a women's shelter about how to exit an abusive household safely. You do NOT have to be going into a shelter yourself -- you can ask them for advice and contacts like legal help.

If your husband has shown real remorse about cheating, and if he can have a sensible, adult discussion about how the whole pillow thing went down and why it upset you, then you and he might be able to hold things together IF there is any marriage there to save (and staying married "for our child" is not a good idea)-- but ONLY with serious couples therapy and a lot of effort.

It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I concur with this. ^

I’ve read this thread and similar ones in the past. As a man who has demonstrated similar behavior as OP’s DH, I feel I should speak up. And I’ll speak from the perspective of a long-time (prayerfully, reformed) abuser.

The sleep deprived parent explanation is, quite frankly, dangerous and serves as an out for the abuser and a “logical” excuse to the victim. Indeed, sleep deprivation is real – especially for new parents, but it can end up licensing an abuser. My DW, trying to keep things from falling apart, constructed the tiredness excuse and I rode it from one flare up to the next. We had many “pillow toss” incidents. I knew exactly what I was doing when I tossed it and I also knew I could get away it (this says a lot about me and DW). Things escalated, police were called, DC cowered and cried, and I rode on for years this way. These events take a toll and if you are fortunate (as we were), you might make it through them. But please, stop making light of OP’s DH tossing the pillow.

I am not saying OP should pack up and leave. I am saying we should listen very carefully to what she is saying – important context is missing, probably necessarily. But, IMO, our advice to OP should at least err on the side of caution, rather than be dismissive. Years of counseling helped me, but I still suffer setbacks at times – but nowhere near like times before. Counseling is a must. I know my family is happy now; I know I am a good/healthy father and DH. But I definitely worry about the possible long-term fallout DC may have from my behavior. I can’t un-live those dark days and I am very much ashamed of the way I acted. But hopefully my account will help OP and others.

Thank you for this perspective and very glad you are owning your deficiencies and changing.

^OP, from the horse's mouth? Listen!!!!!

Another agreement with this. As someone who has lived through abuse, it almost starts with things that, when you tell them to others who are clueless about abuse dynamics, don't seem abusive, like throwing a pillow. Or punching a wall far away from you. Or, in my case, pretending to hyperventilate. All things designed to stimulate the person losing all emotional control, and usually some kind of physicality to 'get out their rage'.

Agree with all of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, get the F out now. Advise I wish i had taken. I promise you this is just the beginning. Take your baby and get out.

Can't just leave, just think he might throw a pillow at someone else in the future. Call the cops. Call a SWAT team.

What if you were allergic to the pillow?!? You could have DIED. You are lucky you got through this alive.

Has someone called the Post about this incident yet? What about CNN?

Really, OP, there are people that can help you. Get on the phone tomorrow morning to the Pillow Fighters Anonymous group. They will side with you when no one else will, and are there to help you.

[Anonymous]

You should have popped a cap in him!

[Anonymous]

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--as you can see, a post like yours brings out all the worst misogyny on DCUM. And most PPs are not bothering to read anything other than the title of the post and are just reacting like jerks to the "he threw a pillow" part. I'm sorry you've gotten some ignorant, nasty posts.

You were in a violent relationship and then got into an emotionally abusive relationship and had a child with a man who was emotionally abusive before you were even pregnant. OP, you have made choices that indicate you're repeating a very negative pattern that you must break or else your child will grow up witnessing abuse and thinking an abusive relationship is a normal relationship. Do not try to take your next steps on your own because between being exhausted, being emotionally abused, and having a pattern of questionable choices -- you should not try to handle this without support. Please get to a counselor as fast as you can. For you, not for you and DH as a couple. Also talk to staff at a women's shelter about how to exit an abusive household safely. You do NOT have to be going into a shelter yourself -- you can ask them for advice and contacts like legal help.

If your husband has shown real remorse about cheating, and if he can have a sensible, adult discussion about how the whole pillow thing went down and why it upset you, then you and he might be able to hold things together IF there is any marriage there to save (and staying married "for our child" is not a good idea)-- but ONLY with serious couples therapy and a lot of effort.

It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I concur with this. ^

I’ve read this thread and similar ones in the past. As a man who has demonstrated similar behavior as OP’s DH, I feel I should speak up. And I’ll speak from the perspective of a long-time (prayerfully, reformed) abuser.

The sleep deprived parent explanation is, quite frankly, dangerous and serves as an out for the abuser and a “logical” excuse to the victim. Indeed, sleep deprivation is real – especially for new parents, but it can end up licensing an abuser. My DW, trying to keep things from falling apart, constructed the tiredness excuse and I rode it from one flare up to the next. We had many “pillow toss” incidents. I knew exactly what I was doing when I tossed it and I also knew I could get away it (this says a lot about me and DW). Things escalated, police were called, DC cowered and cried, and I rode on for years this way. These events take a toll and if you are fortunate (as we were), you might make it through them. But please, stop making light of OP’s DH tossing the pillow.

I am not saying OP should pack up and leave. I am saying we should listen very carefully to what she is saying – important context is missing, probably necessarily. But, IMO, our advice to OP should at least err on the side of caution, rather than be dismissive. Years of counseling helped me, but I still suffer setbacks at times – but nowhere near like times before. Counseling is a must. I know my family is happy now; I know I am a good/healthy father and DH. But I definitely worry about the possible long-term fallout DC may have from my behavior. I can’t un-live those dark days and I am very much ashamed of the way I acted. But hopefully my account will help OP and others.

Thank you for this perspective and very glad you are owning your deficiencies and changing.

^OP, from the horse's mouth? Listen!!!!!

Another agreement with this. As someone who has lived through abuse, it almost starts with things that, when you tell them to others who are clueless about abuse dynamics, don't seem abusive, like throwing a pillow. Or punching a wall far away from you. Or, in my case, pretending to hyperventilate. All things designed to stimulate the person losing all emotional control, and usually some kind of physicality to 'get out their rage'.

Agree with all of this

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, get the F out now. Advise I wish i had taken. I promise you this is just the beginning. Take your baby and get out.

Can't just leave, just think he might throw a pillow at someone else in the future. Call the cops. Call a SWAT team.

What if you were allergic to the pillow?!? You could have DIED. You are lucky you got through this alive.

Has someone called the Post about this incident yet? What about CNN?

Really, OP, there are people that can help you. Get on the phone tomorrow morning to the Pillow Fighters Anonymous group. They will side with you when no one else will, and are there to help you.

You really should find something better to do with your summer off. You'll be headed back to middle school before you know it.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she has Borderline Personality disorder. Projecting and making a big deal out of nothing. Get some individual therapy OP.