Husband just threw a pillow at me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving him for cheating on you is reasonable. Leaving because he tossed a pillow on the bed is not. Deal with what is wrong, not what isn't.

+1 focusing on the pillow will discredit your very valid beef with him - for cheating while you were pregnant. That was enough of a last straw, believe me - it would've been fur me. But the pillow wasn't a big deal. I understand what it represented to you and why it upset you, but don't focus on that except to see it as the moment you had clarity about what you needed to do.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--as you can see, a post like yours brings out all the worst misogyny on DCUM. And most PPs are not bothering to read anything other than the title of the post and are just reacting like jerks to the "he threw a pillow" part. I'm sorry you've gotten some ignorant, nasty posts.

You were in a violent relationship and then got into an emotionally abusive relationship and had a child with a man who was emotionally abusive before you were even pregnant. OP, you have made choices that indicate you're repeating a very negative pattern that you must break or else your child will grow up witnessing abuse and thinking an abusive relationship is a normal relationship. Do not try to take your next steps on your own because between being exhausted, being emotionally abused, and having a pattern of questionable choices -- you should not try to handle this without support. Please get to a counselor as fast as you can. For you, not for you and DH as a couple. Also talk to staff at a women's shelter about how to exit an abusive household safely. You do NOT have to be going into a shelter yourself -- you can ask them for advice and contacts like legal help.

If your husband has shown real remorse about cheating, and if he can have a sensible, adult discussion about how the whole pillow thing went down and why it upset you, then you and he might be able to hold things together IF there is any marriage there to save (and staying married "for our child" is not a good idea)-- but ONLY with serious couples therapy and a lot of effort.

I concur with this. ^

I’ve read this thread and similar ones in the past. As a man who has demonstrated similar behavior as OP’s DH, I feel I should speak up. And I’ll speak from the perspective of a long-time (prayerfully, reformed) abuser.

The sleep deprived parent explanation is, quite frankly, dangerous and serves as an out for the abuser and a “logical” excuse to the victim. Indeed, sleep deprivation is real – especially for new parents, but it can end up licensing an abuser. My DW, trying to keep things from falling apart, constructed the tiredness excuse and I rode it from one flare up to the next. We had many “pillow toss” incidents. I knew exactly what I was doing when I tossed it and I also knew I could get away it (this says a lot about me and DW). Things escalated, police were called, DC cowered and cried, and I rode on for years this way. These events take a toll and if you are fortunate (as we were), you might make it through them. But please, stop making light of OP’s DH tossing the pillow.

I am not saying OP should pack up and leave. I am saying we should listen very carefully to what she is saying – important context is missing, probably necessarily. But, IMO, our advice to OP should at least err on the side of caution, rather than be dismissive. Years of counseling helped me, but I still suffer setbacks at times – but nowhere near like times before. Counseling is a must. I know my family is happy now; I know I am a good/healthy father and DH. But I definitely worry about the possible long-term fallout DC may have from my behavior. I can’t un-live those dark days and I am very much ashamed of the way I acted. But hopefully my account will help OP and others.

[Anonymous]

You want some cheese with that whine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--as you can see, a post like yours brings out all the worst misogyny on DCUM. And most PPs are not bothering to read anything other than the title of the post and are just reacting like jerks to the "he threw a pillow" part. I'm sorry you've gotten some ignorant, nasty posts.

You were in a violent relationship and then got into an emotionally abusive relationship and had a child with a man who was emotionally abusive before you were even pregnant. OP, you have made choices that indicate you're repeating a very negative pattern that you must break or else your child will grow up witnessing abuse and thinking an abusive relationship is a normal relationship. Do not try to take your next steps on your own because between being exhausted, being emotionally abused, and having a pattern of questionable choices -- you should not try to handle this without support. Please get to a counselor as fast as you can. For you, not for you and DH as a couple. Also talk to staff at a women's shelter about how to exit an abusive household safely. You do NOT have to be going into a shelter yourself -- you can ask them for advice and contacts like legal help.

If your husband has shown real remorse about cheating, and if he can have a sensible, adult discussion about how the whole pillow thing went down and why it upset you, then you and he might be able to hold things together IF there is any marriage there to save (and staying married "for our child" is not a good idea)-- but ONLY with serious couples therapy and a lot of effort.

Your assignment of misogyny shows your own bias and frankly your taking the OP to task as to their choices could well put you in the same category in the minds of others.

OP apparently has some real personal issues that she hasn't dealt with. One just might be she is a glutton for sympathy. Another might be that she engenders, and embraces, drama through her own choices. Each person is responsible for their own actions and to a degree how each is treated by others.

That said, reading OP's statements allows an easy path to the sign with the letters BS on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want some cheese with that whine?

Shucks, didn't mean to come across as whining. Was only hoping to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I'm having a hard time getting past the pillow part. He threw a PILLOW at her.

Not that I think violence is ever OK. But he was up getting the baby to put the baby back to sleep while she stayed in bed.

And he threw a pillow at her (a pillow that was left in the hall by both individuals, not just one, I might add, so we have no evidence that it is her fault, just that there was a pillow left on the floor).

There may be other stuff that is more important, but it comes down to pillow + hits my body = no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been trying to keep everything together in hopes that this can somehow work. I asked him to get the baby and put him back to sleep. On the way out of the bedroom he ran into a pillow and threw it on me (I was in bed). When he came back I said "do you realize you threw a pillow on me?" He said "yeah, don't leave it in the walkway!" I said "Do you realize you threw it on me?" He said "well, you smacked me to get up with the baby" (not true! I nudged his arm.) I was just trying to get him to acknowledge what he did, but it seems (a) that he knew what he did and (b) he didn't care.

There's a history of emotional abuse I was trying to ensure but this is a bridge too far for me.

See a psychiatrist please. Your DH is likely up for sainthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm having a hard time getting past the pillow part. He threw a PILLOW at her.

Not that I think violence is ever OK. But he was up getting the baby to put the baby back to sleep while she stayed in bed.

And he threw a pillow at her (a pillow that was left in the hall by both individuals, not just one, I might add, so we have no evidence that it is her fault, just that there was a pillow left on the floor).

There may be other stuff that is more important, but it comes down to pillow + hits my body = no big deal.

Let's get this correct. He actually three the pillow "on" her, not "at" her. He didn't wind up and fire a angry fastball pillow at her head, he flipped a pillow onto the bed that landed on her and she posted about it like he's a mass murderer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm having a hard time getting past the pillow part. He threw a PILLOW at her.

Not that I think violence is ever OK. But he was up getting the baby to put the baby back to sleep while she stayed in bed.

And he threw a pillow at her (a pillow that was left in the hall by both individuals, not just one, I might add, so we have no evidence that it is her fault, just that there was a pillow left on the floor).

There may be other stuff that is more important, but it comes down to pillow + hits my body = no big deal.

Let's get this correct. He actually three the pillow "on" her, not "at" her. He didn't wind up and fire a angry fastball pillow at her head, he flipped a pillow onto the bed that landed on her and she posted about it like he's a mass murderer.

OK, I stand corrected.

Pillow + tossed on my body = no big deal.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are both baby tired.
Keep the complaints to things that genuinely matter. Be kind to one another, speak nicely to one another and take turns getting extra sleep.

^^^THIS^^^^
[phone]

[Anonymous]

Are you an absolute slob? I can see how that is tiring and annoying. He could have broken something if it was dark, if there are unexpected pillows in the hallway. I'd be pi**ed too. Not saying he should have thrown it, but you seriously sound like a pain, To pp saying that a male doesn't get to be "violent" with her, does that mean you DO get to be violent because you are a female?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm having a hard time getting past the pillow part. He threw a PILLOW at her.

Not that I think violence is ever OK. But he was up getting the baby to put the baby back to sleep while she stayed in bed.

And he threw a pillow at her (a pillow that was left in the hall by both individuals, not just one, I might add, so we have no evidence that it is her fault, just that there was a pillow left on the floor).

There may be other stuff that is more important, but it comes down to pillow + hits my body = no big deal.

Let's get this correct. He actually three the pillow "on" her, not "at" her. He didn't wind up and fire a angry fastball pillow at her head, he flipped a pillow onto the bed that landed on her and she posted about it like he's a mass murderer.

OK, I stand corrected.

Pillow + tossed on my body = no big deal.

Not in this context, you nut pillow case.

[Anonymous]

A lot more is going on here than the pillow incident, which doesn't sound like it is really the crux of your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm having a hard time getting past the pillow part. He threw a PILLOW at her.

Not that I think violence is ever OK. But he was up getting the baby to put the baby back to sleep while she stayed in bed.

And he threw a pillow at her (a pillow that was left in the hall by both individuals, not just one, I might add, so we have no evidence that it is her fault, just that there was a pillow left on the floor).

There may be other stuff that is more important, but it comes down to pillow + hits my body = no big deal.

Why would OP's say that her DH told her not to leave the pillow in the hallway if he left it there? OP posted that.