Kids vs. career: New top job with travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go for it.
Moms on this board say "you're kids are only young once" "you can go for it when your kids are older"
BS.
Older working women know we have a limited shelf life. In your 40's companies want you for Senior positions. If you wait 5-10 more years, the opportunity may well expire.
Dads pursue high level, demanding positions- why shouldn't moms.
You must be very talented to be offered the job. Do you really think your highest purpose will be better served carting around kids to soccer practice and hosting playdates?
Go for it! You can always scale back if it doesn't work out.
- C Suite mom of 4, raised by an awesome working single mom.

+1,0000. Thank you!! I made a similar point earlier in the thread but you said it much better.

This job is not a life sentence! If it doesn't work out, you scale back but don't expect to have this opportunity again "when the kids are older". Many of the posters saying you should just do this in a few years clearly don't work. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go for it.
Moms on this board say "you're kids are only young once" "you can go for it when your kids are older"
BS.
Older working women know we have a limited shelf life. In your 40's companies want you for Senior positions. If you wait 5-10 more years, the opportunity may well expire.
Dads pursue high level, demanding positions- why shouldn't moms.
You must be very talented to be offered the job. Do you really think your highest purpose will be better served carting around kids to soccer practice and hosting playdates?
Go for it! You can always scale back if it doesn't work out.
- C Suite mom of 4, raised by an awesome working single mom.

+1,0000. Thank you!! I made a similar point earlier in the thread but you said it much better.

This job is not a life sentence! If it doesn't work out, you scale back but don't expect to have this opportunity again "when the kids are older". Many of the posters saying you should just do this in a few years clearly don't work. ?

I would also think it would be her DH's turn to scale back since she already was home for 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm honestly shocked that a parent would consider a work schedule with heavy travel when the other parent already travels.

Agree with this

+2
And I'd question the claim that the new job will allow you not to travel overnight on those weeks DH travels. Read threads on the jobs forum about how these claims at interviews suddenly don't match reality. I've seen it happen first hand to a coworker who was told she could telecommute 3 days per week at the interview, then told no more than 1 day after you've been here full time for a while. At that point she was stuck.
Also, even if company does allow day trips during DH travel weeks, sometimes this is more difficult in practice than in theory. Like sometimes it's easier to do my job in the office than telecommuting even though I'm allowed to telecommute more often than I do. It would just be harder to get certain things done.

[Anonymous]

Another supportive poster. My answer would be different if op had toddlers. Her kids, however, are already in school all day, and old enough for drop off extracurriculars. I work with older kids, 10 and 12, and find it much easier than when they were little. I have a part time nanny for driving, and can always find a car pool with a friend in a pinch. My kids can stay by themselves for an hour or two in a pinch (op's kids will be there too soon). Both my kids play travel sports. It sounds doable to me, op,

[Anonymous]

I agree that after running the numbers to see what financial benefit you would be getting, you need to see what the emotional and relationship numbers are.
If you do this your DH has to understand that he will be signing up to be the "go to" parent for at least 2 weeks a month when he isn't traveling. That means sick days, Dr appointments, etc.
I have friends who went back to work after being SAHMs because the DHs promised to help out more. That last about 3-6 months and slowly but surely they were back to doing everything they did as SAHM only they also worked. The DHs slowly pulled out the sick days, snow days, Dr. appointments, parent/teacher conferences, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. the list goes on and on. I had 2 of the 3 quit their jobs within a year to go back to being SAHM. While the notion of working wives sounds great to most husbands, the reality is, if they haven't been pulling their weight at home they are unlikely to realize what that exactly means and be willing to make the changes to do it. One husband said he didn't like that his coworkers knew he was taking off to take care of sick kids all the time so started saying he couldn't do it anymore.

Anyway, no one can make this decision except you and your husband. Personally, i love my job and wouldn't want to give it up, it makes me a better mom. However, the thought of working MORE and LONGER is tiring to think about. I have a supportive husband who doesn't travel for work and even I think it would be hard to live out of a suitcase for 3 days a week. Not for me for no amount of money.
It doesn't sound like you guys need the extra income, it would just be nice. Decide what you are willing to give up to get it. Talk to your kids and present a REAL picture of how their lives will be different (good and bad). You need an entire family buy in on this descion no matter what you choose for it to work (you not being resentful and them not feeling abandoned)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it, particularly since you seem happy with your current job.

This. Wouldn't work for me, but you should do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

Kids always trump career. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go for it.
Moms on this board say "you're kids are only young once" "you can go for it when your kids are older"
BS.
Older working women know we have a limited shelf life. In your 40's companies want you for Senior positions. If you wait 5-10 more years, the opportunity may well expire.
Dads pursue high level, demanding positions- why shouldn't moms.
You must be very talented to be offered the job. Do you really think your highest purpose will be better served carting around kids to soccer practice and hosting playdates?
Go for it! You can always scale back if it doesn't work out.
- C Suite mom of 4, raised by an awesome working single mom.

+1,0000. Thank you!! I made a similar point earlier in the thread but you said it much better.

This job is not a life sentence! If it doesn't work out, you scale back but don't expect to have this opportunity again "when the kids are older". Many of the posters saying you should just do this in a few years clearly don't work. ?

+1 Working mom, who didn't give up her "top job' for more than one year to stay home with her kids because she knew the opportunity wouldn't be available when she returned.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would love to hear what you eventually choose to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go for it.
Moms on this board say "you're kids are only young once" "you can go for it when your kids are older"
BS.
Older working women know we have a limited shelf life. In your 40's companies want you for Senior positions. If you wait 5-10 more years, the opportunity may well expire.
Dads pursue high level, demanding positions- why shouldn't moms.
You must be very talented to be offered the job. Do you really think your highest purpose will be better served carting around kids to soccer practice and hosting playdates?
Go for it! You can always scale back if it doesn't work out.
- C Suite mom of 4, raised by an awesome working single mom.

+1,0000. Thank you!! I made a similar point earlier in the thread but you said it much better.

This job is not a life sentence! If it doesn't work out, you scale back but don't expect to have this opportunity again "when the kids are older". Many of the posters saying you should just do this in a few years clearly don't work. ?

+1 Working mom, who didn't give up her "top job' for more than one year to stay home with her kids because she knew the opportunity wouldn't be available when she returned.

Your kids won't be this age again either but we see where your priorities are.

Telling a mom to go for it and travel 3x a week when the DH already travels an entire week every other weeks is so selfish to those kids. Just because kids are in school doesn't mean they should come home to the nanny and having some live-in nanny putting them to bed at night. You want to outsource the raising of your kids and see them here and there? Great but kids don't like it at all.

How many on their death beds say they wish they worked more and spent less time with their kids when they had the chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to continue to advance in your career - DO IT!!! Once you get into more senior level types of jobs, the opportunities for advancement shrink and shrink. And if you end up in the job you are in for a while without moving if you are in a more junior job to have gotten back into the workforce, it is very likely you will stagnate there. (ie. imagine yourself in your same role 10 years from now... or longer. When you are going up a career track you think it will keep advancing forever, when you get higher on the pyramid of whatever field, it no longer works like that). AND, once you've established yourself in a more senior role, more flexibility (and financial rewards that help afford more life flexibility/options) will kick back in. BUT if you think you are not planning in even some balance of 'career focus' moving forward in life, then stay. And, if you do have some career focus - don't take job advice from those who are not in the game. There is a certain set that will always tell you to stay home as much as possible & balance - and don't get that you can be a very engaged parent and also have a career too.

This seems like some good advice. I don't actually think that you can be a very engaged parent and also have a career, but I am not really sure that every child needs a very engaged parent. I don't know the names of every kid in my sons' classes, don't go to every sports practice and game, and only see their teachers at parent/teacher conferences. I do read with them every day, do their math homework with them, and listen to their middle of the night worries, and know their friends, so I am not disengaged, but not DCUM level engaged.

But my kids have white skin, high SES, a team of great teachers and educators available to them, every book/technology/extra curricular activity they could need, 2 parents, four grandparents, and a nanny who obviously love them, and penises. If they can't make it with those advantages, there is probably not much that my giving up my career would have done for them.

If you are reading to your kids every night and listening to their midnight troubles, you are not in OP's situation. The issue is that there may be days (every month) that neither OP or her DH will be there for the kids to do so. We are NOT talking about OP giving up her career -- we are talking about the impact of leaning in even further.


I think it's really about whether OP's DH will truly be the primary parent now - in reality, not just in post-offer exuberance. Only OP knows that.

[Anonymous]

Op. did you say that you have only been back I. The work world for one year? If so, let me tell you my story.

I too stayed home for 5 years after my kids were born. I went back to work full time when they were 5 and 3 yo. I have been back at work for 3.5 years now and typically have overseas travel for 1-2 weeks 2 x a year and an odd domestic trip thrown in there. Last year I had three overseas trips and one domestic trip and it almost did me in.

My DH is a high level attorney at a company ranked within the top 15 Fortune 500 companies. He cannot TW and has very little flexibility. He never travels anymore (used to have foreign trips as well). We have a part time after school nanny who helps 2-3 afternoons a week.

As I said I have been working for 3.5 years now. This school year I started to feel burned out because I work full time but am the default parent because I TW 2 days a week and have more general flexibility than DH. So I do after school stuff, manage family appointments, groceries (now use delivery), cook (DH Gets home too late to cook dinner), etc. DH is great but just isn't as available as I would like him to be. He brings in 70% of our HHI, so we deal with it. But, my agency let me take 3 hours of leave without pay each week so that I only work 37 hours. That has helped relieve a lot of my stress of working and parenting.

I have been headhunted for a job in the private sector that would likely pay me 2x what I make now (I am a Fed) but would also include a lot of travel and long hours. Just thinking about doing that kind of job makes me depressed. As exhausting as life is now, it would be so much worse with that kind of job. Travel is TOUGH when you have a family. It really is. Even domestic trips take their toll. And frankly? As much as I hated being a SAHM for the last 3 years that I did it, I looove the stage of life that my kids are in now and the role that I play in it. Even if DH were able to cut back and fill that void, I would miss that a lot if I were to go after the bigger job. And I do think that my kids would miss their mom.

So, you will do what you want, but I am giving you a realistic look at what this could mean for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the unknown factor here is what kind of kids you have. I keep thinking of a certain friends' kids. The kids are independent and I really think they would be fine with parents who were not often around, as long as their basic needs were met and they have transportation to activities. They are exceptionally independent and emotionally straightforward. I have one kid sort of like that, and one who's not. My one who is not couldn't cope with the separation: he needs us and no nanny will do it.

What kid is "fine with parents who were not often around"..as long as their basic needs were met.???!! Do you honestly think this is how children feel?? Jesus, every kid needs their parents whether they act like or not. They may not show you or tell you straight up that they need you around, but they do. And when the shit hits the fan and their "parents aren't around", who or what do you think they will turn to? Kids who don't get enough attention sometimes make stupid decisions in order to GET that attention from you. I don't think I need to spell out what that means.

What is more important to you? Money or your kids? Your kids need you, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the unknown factor here is what kind of kids you have. I keep thinking of a certain friends' kids. The kids are independent and I really think they would be fine with parents who were not often around, as long as their basic needs were met and they have transportation to activities. They are exceptionally independent and emotionally straightforward. I have one kid sort of like that, and one who's not. My one who is not couldn't cope with the separation: he needs us and no nanny will do it.

What kid is "fine with parents who were not often around"..as long as their basic needs were met.???!! Do you honestly think this is how children feel?? Jesus, every kid needs their parents whether they act like or not. They may not show you or tell you straight up that they need you around, but they do. And when the shit hits the fan and their "parents aren't around", who or what do you think they will turn to? Kids who don't get enough attention sometimes make stupid decisions in order to GET that attention from you. I don't think I need to spell out what that means.

What is more important to you? Money or your kids? Your kids need you, period.

+1

I would never be interested in a job like what OP is considering, but OP, FWIW, I would only take it if my DH scaled back a lot. Two heavy-travel jobs is very bad for kids, marriage, and family life.

[Anonymous]

I'm all for being a hard worker but I'm also all for family first.

Other than the traveling, do they require you to do OT work after your work day ends. Like still connecting to work via phone, internet or whatever after 7pm? If it ends like 6pm like they say it does, than you can at least video chat with your kids while on travel but if you have to still work after hours and on weekends, forget it.

How about what the kids think of your absence.

I have heard parents sending their kids off to boarding
school so they can focus on their career.

I think you can do it and it you see it causing a friction in the family, I would have you or your spouse to scale back.
The other concern is with the spouse relationship itself. You don't now if you don't try. If you think this is once in a lifetime offer, than do it. How bad will it look if you quit in 6 months? Will this look bad on your career.