Kids vs. career: New top job with travel

[Anonymous]

If you want to continue to advance in your career - DO IT!!! Once you get into more senior level types of jobs, the opportunities for advancement shrink and shrink. And if you end up in the job you are in for a while without moving if you are in a more junior job to have gotten back into the workforce, it is very likely you will stagnate there. (ie. imagine yourself in your same role 10 years from now... or longer. When you are going up a career track you think it will keep advancing forever, when you get higher on the pyramid of whatever field, it no longer works like that). AND, once you've established yourself in a more senior role, more flexibility (and financial rewards that help afford more life flexibility/options) will kick back in. BUT if you think you are not planning in even some balance of 'career focus' moving forward in life, then stay. And, if you do have some career focus - don't take job advice from those who are not in the game. There is a certain set that will always tell you to stay home as much as possible & balance - and don't get that you can be a very engaged parent and also have a career too.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to know what to advise without some numbers. If you HHI is currently below 100k and this puts it way over, do it. If your HHI is well north of 250k, then you need to have a hard conversation with your spouse about who is going to lean out a bit. But you have children now, and you chose to have a family. Someone has to be in primary parent mode, and it sounds like if you take this, both of you will be checked out. Not everyone can have it all - you need the family conversation about who can have what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only do if it would drastically change my financial status. As in, my kids are in public and I could now put them in a top private. Or, if you are not putting anything away for college and this will allow you to fund college accounts.

Exactly this. Right now I make $125k (HHI ~$350k). I'd only do it if offer came in north of $175k with generous PTO. We're about to move our almost 6yo to private--such a pay increase would allow college savings to take less of a hit, and would help offset the impact of such a travel schedule on family life.

I'd also probably take it with the intention of looking for something with a less intensive travel schedule in a couple of years.

Good luck with your decision!

[Anonymous]

I used to be a management consultant and every female management consultant I knew who tried to make s go of it with the three say travel schedule ended up quitting. Just my two cents. It's up to you and your priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to continue to advance in your career - DO IT!!! Once you get into more senior level types of jobs, the opportunities for advancement shrink and shrink. And if you end up in the job you are in for a while without moving if you are in a more junior job to have gotten back into the workforce, it is very likely you will stagnate there. (ie. imagine yourself in your same role 10 years from now... or longer. When you are going up a career track you think it will keep advancing forever, when you get higher on the pyramid of whatever field, it no longer works like that). AND, once you've established yourself in a more senior role, more flexibility (and financial rewards that help afford more life flexibility/options) will kick back in. BUT if you think you are not planning in even some balance of 'career focus' moving forward in life, then stay. And, if you do have some career focus - don't take job advice from those who are not in the game. There is a certain set that will always tell you to stay home as much as possible & balance - and don't get that you can be a very engaged parent and also have a career too.

This seems like some good advice. I don't actually think that you can be a very engaged parent and also have a career, but I am not really sure that every child needs a very engaged parent. I don't know the names of every kid in my sons' classes, don't go to every sports practice and game, and only see their teachers at parent/teacher conferences. I do read with them every day, do their math homework with them, and listen to their middle of the night worries, and know their friends, so I am not disengaged, but not DCUM level engaged.

But my kids have white skin, high SES, a team of great teachers and educators available to them, every book/technology/extra curricular activity they could need, 2 parents, four grandparents, and a nanny who obviously love them, and penises. If they can't make it with those advantages, there is probably not much that my giving up my career would have done for them.

[Anonymous]

One one person can have a high-pressure job at once. Something is always going to come up- a kid gets sick, someone has a soccer tournament, ballet recital, school play or some big project comes up last minute at work. It's really tough when both of you are traveling and/or working long hours. I speak from experience. I travel a moderate amount (2-4 days every other month) and work until 7ish every night. Things were hunky dory until DH started traveling a lot and needing to work late. With kids about the same age as yours, with a nanny, we're really, really struggling right now. One of us is going to have to do something as our situation isn't tenable.

[Anonymous]

It comes down to what are you willing to miss. If you take the job, you'll miss many small and more than a few big moments with your kids. You will have a good relationship with your kids, but it will be different. If you don't take the job, you'll miss the challenges, triumphs, stimulation, reward, and recognition of a big job.

You can't have everything. So which set of missed opportunists hits you in your gut harder? Either answer is fine and your kids will be fine. Listen to yourself and not what others say to do or societal expectations tell you.

[Anonymous]

Op I don't think anyone can answer this for you, especially given the most important factor is what your kids are like and what they seem to need. None of us have met your children or know your family dynamic.

work it out yourself

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it, but that's me - a job like that sounds worse to me than e.g. having all my fingernails pulled out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to continue to advance in your career - DO IT!!! Once you get into more senior level types of jobs, the opportunities for advancement shrink and shrink. And if you end up in the job you are in for a while without moving if you are in a more junior job to have gotten back into the workforce, it is very likely you will stagnate there. (ie. imagine yourself in your same role 10 years from now... or longer. When you are going up a career track you think it will keep advancing forever, when you get higher on the pyramid of whatever field, it no longer works like that). AND, once you've established yourself in a more senior role, more flexibility (and financial rewards that help afford more life flexibility/options) will kick back in. BUT if you think you are not planning in even some balance of 'career focus' moving forward in life, then stay. And, if you do have some career focus - don't take job advice from those who are not in the game. There is a certain set that will always tell you to stay home as much as possible & balance - and don't get that you can be a very engaged parent and also have a career too.

This seems like some good advice. I don't actually think that you can be a very engaged parent and also have a career, but I am not really sure that every child needs a very engaged parent. I don't know the names of every kid in my sons' classes, don't go to every sports practice and game, and only see their teachers at parent/teacher conferences. I do read with them every day, do their math homework with them, and listen to their middle of the night worries, and know their friends, so I am not disengaged, but not DCUM level engaged.

But my kids have white skin, high SES, a team of great teachers and educators available to them, every book/technology/extra curricular activity they could need, 2 parents, four grandparents, and a nanny who obviously love them, and penises. If they can't make it with those advantages, there is probably not much that my giving up my career would have done for them.

Say what?

[Anonymous]

Asking on DCUM may be asking to be judged ... most here wil be biased toward thinking you are not a "good mom" if you do the job. But lots of career-fulfilled moms are also better moms for it and figure out how to balance quality time and actually having a thriving successful career mom can benefit lots of kids and the research generally supports that many kids thrive from
More independence than this generation often has they will be more career successful themselves in the future

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It comes down to what are you willing to miss. If you take the job, you'll miss many small and more than a few big moments with your kids. You will have a good relationship with your kids, but it will be different. If you don't take the job, you'll miss the challenges, triumphs, stimulation, reward, and recognition of a big job.

You can't have everything. So which set of missed opportunists hits you in your gut harder? Either answer is fine and your kids will be fine. Listen to yourself and not what others say to do or societal expectations tell you.

Agree with this. If you're a working parent, you'll miss some things--you have to figure out what proportion of missed experiences with your kids feels okay to you.

FWIW, my spouse's parents missed a lot due to demanding careers. They had a live-in nanny for their kids for many years. However, because they were at the top of their professions, they were able to pay fully to send three kids to excellent private schools, elite colleges, they have multiple homes, and have offered to pay for grandkids' private school. They missed out on a lot of moments, no doubt, but perhaps they made up for it somewhat by providing a more secure financial future for their kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It comes down to what are you willing to miss. If you take the job, you'll miss many small and more than a few big moments with your kids. You will have a good relationship with your kids, but it will be different. If you don't take the job, you'll miss the challenges, triumphs, stimulation, reward, and recognition of a big job.

You can't have everything. So which set of missed opportunists hits you in your gut harder? Either answer is fine and your kids will be fine. Listen to yourself and not what others say to do or societal expectations tell you.

Agree with this. If you're a working parent, you'll miss some things--you have to figure out what proportion of missed experiences with your kids feels okay to you.

FWIW, my spouse's parents missed a lot due to demanding careers. They had a live-in nanny for their kids for many years. However, because they were at the top of their professions, they were able to pay fully to send three kids to excellent private schools, elite colleges, they have multiple homes, and have offered to pay for grandkids' private school. They missed out on a lot of moments, no doubt, but perhaps they made up for it somewhat by providing a more secure financial future for their kids and grandkids.

I have a friend who has this background. She is more materialistic and cares more about money than anyone I know. Her dad cared about financial success and titles. I would not want this for my kids. I am thankful I have memories of my dad playing catch with me. He may not be able to help me with a down payment but at the end of the day, after a certain amount of money, you are just buying more or shiner stuff...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking on DCUM may be asking to be judged ... most here wil be biased toward thinking you are not a "good mom" if you do the job. But lots of career-fulfilled moms are also better moms for it and figure out how to balance quality time and actually having a thriving successful career mom can benefit lots of kids and the research generally supports that many kids thrive from
More independence than this generation often has they will be more career successful themselves in the future

I don't think most of people would judge a woman for having a career. Or even a career involving travel. However, two parents with demanding jobs requiring frequent travel is a whole different situation. And that's what the OP is describing. There is no way in this world to make that good for young children. You can have the best nanny in the world and tons of family as back up. You're child is still going to spend the majority of his time away from his parents. Will the kids survive? Sure. Will you be happy? Maybe. I wouldn't. I know several families who have tried to make it work. It's been a disaster in every one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do and and hire a live in nanny to do all the kid stuff when DH and I are traveling. Win-win for everybody!

Except the kids.

Why not a win for the kids? They will have two happy and successful parents who love them and a stable, lovingnanny living with them to take care of the day to day details of their lives.