Kids vs. career: New top job with travel

[Anonymous]

I think the unknown factor here is what kind of kids you have. I keep thinking of a certain friends' kids. The kids are independent and I really think they would be fine with parents who were not often around, as long as their basic needs were met and they have transportation to activities. They are exceptionally independent and emotionally straightforward. I have one kid sort of like that, and one who's not. My one who is not couldn't cope with the separation: he needs us and no nanny will do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, I think it's easier to work outside the home when kids are younger versus older. You might have a couple of years but as your oldest approaches middle school, demands from school and extras increase and your nanny may not appreciate it. I would say no. You can always "go for it". When your kiddos are closer to college age. FWIW, I work full time and DH and I have four kids from elem to high school.

Kudos to you for working with four kiddos. Like op, I have two kids and find it easier as they get older, particularly once in middle school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It comes down to what are you willing to miss. If you take the job, you'll miss many small and more than a few big moments with your kids. You will have a good relationship with your kids, but it will be different. If you don't take the job, you'll miss the challenges, triumphs, stimulation, reward, and recognition of a big job.

You can't have everything. So which set of missed opportunists hits you in your gut harder? Either answer is fine and your kids will be fine. Listen to yourself and not what others say to do or societal expectations tell you.

Agree with this. If you're a working parent, you'll miss some things--you have to figure out what proportion of missed experiences with your kids feels okay to you.

FWIW, my spouse's parents missed a lot due to demanding careers. They had a live-in nanny for their kids for many years. However, because they were at the top of their professions, they were able to pay fully to send three kids to excellent private schools, elite colleges, they have multiple homes, and have offered to pay for grandkids' private school. They missed out on a lot of moments, no doubt, but perhaps they made up for it somewhat by providing a more secure financial future for their kids and grandkids.

I have a friend who has this background. She is more materialistic and cares more about money than anyone I know. Her dad cared about financial success and titles. I would not want this for my kids. I am thankful I have memories of my dad playing catch with me. He may not be able to help me with a down payment but at the end of the day, after a certain amount of money, you are just buying more or shiner stuff...

PP here. Not sure one can attribute cause and effect. In case of my ILs, one of the kids is fairly materialistic and status-conscious. The other two (one of whom is my spouse) are not at all, despite impressive credentials. In fact, my spouse doesn't drive a fancy car or advertise any other markers of status, and is an introvert. Spouse also prefers not to have a nanny, whereas the status-conscious sib has a celebrity nanny. It's really hard to say whether any one set of parenting practices led to a specific outcome.

New poster here. This is very interesting outcome it's clear they are dealing with a lack of real emotional parental presence but their response is on the polar ends of the spectrum.

Curious to know which sibling is older your spouse or his sibling?

PP again. I would again say it's tough to attribute cause and effect. I doubt that parenting in this manner "caused" the differences I've noted in spouse and sibs. They seem to be wired differently from a young age. The differences in their personalities predated the really intense work schedules. I think we as humans are wired to try to notice patterns and make sense of our lives, but I really don't think in this case anyone could say with certainty that my ILs' intense work schedules led directly to the differences in their kids' current personalities, values, and lifestyles. The only thing I can say with certainty is that their family is a lot more financially secure than they would've been if they'd leaned out.

It's very obvious ( well obvious to people who don't have a motive to ignore it) that your IL's choices impacted their kids and the choices they are now making as parents. You are choosing to ignore it or say it's all coincidence because you are happy being the wife of a rich man with a nice little inheritance. Money os all that matters right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It comes down to what are you willing to miss. If you take the job, you'll miss many small and more than a few big moments with your kids. You will have a good relationship with your kids, but it will be different. If you don't take the job, you'll miss the challenges, triumphs, stimulation, reward, and recognition of a big job.

You can't have everything. So which set of missed opportunists hits you in your gut harder? Either answer is fine and your kids will be fine. Listen to yourself and not what others say to do or societal expectations tell you.

Agree with this. If you're a working parent, you'll miss some things--you have to figure out what proportion of missed experiences with your kids feels okay to you.

FWIW, my spouse's parents missed a lot due to demanding careers. They had a live-in nanny for their kids for many years. However, because they were at the top of their professions, they were able to pay fully to send three kids to excellent private schools, elite colleges, they have multiple homes, and have offered to pay for grandkids' private school. They missed out on a lot of moments, no doubt, but perhaps they made up for it somewhat by providing a more secure financial future for their kids and grandkids.

I have a friend who has this background. She is more materialistic and cares more about money than anyone I know. Her dad cared about financial success and titles. I would not want this for my kids. I am thankful I have memories of my dad playing catch with me. He may not be able to help me with a down payment but at the end of the day, after a certain amount of money, you are just buying more or shiner stuff...

PP here. Not sure one can attribute cause and effect. In case of my ILs, one of the kids is fairly materialistic and status-conscious. The other two (one of whom is my spouse) are not at all, despite impressive credentials. In fact, my spouse doesn't drive a fancy car or advertise any other markers of status, and is an introvert. Spouse also prefers not to have a nanny, whereas the status-conscious sib has a celebrity nanny. It's really hard to say whether any one set of parenting practices led to a specific outcome.

New poster here. This is very interesting outcome it's clear they are dealing with a lack of real emotional parental presence but their response is on the polar ends of the spectrum.

Curious to know which sibling is older your spouse or his sibling?

PP again. I would again say it's tough to attribute cause and effect. I doubt that parenting in this manner "caused" the differences I've noted in spouse and sibs. They seem to be wired differently from a young age. The differences in their personalities predated the really intense work schedules. I think we as humans are wired to try to notice patterns and make sense of our lives, but I really don't think in this case anyone could say with certainty that my ILs' intense work schedules led directly to the differences in their kids' current personalities, values, and lifestyles. The only thing I can say with certainty is that their family is a lot more financially secure than they would've been if they'd leaned out.

It's very obvious ( well obvious to people who don't have a motive to ignore it) that your IL's choices impacted their kids and the choices they are now making as parents. You are choosing to ignore it or say it's all coincidence because you are happy being the wife of a rich man with a nice little inheritance. Money os all that matters right?

Wow - you seem pretty nasty.
But i guess the way your parents brought you up is responsible for the way you turned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if I read you right, every other week the kids will be with the nanny for 3 days & nights while both you and DH are on the road? Is that tenable? (Answer: no, unless you have Grandma living with you, or some other arrangement you haven't mentioned).

Will DH quit or scale back if you take this?

Well - some of the travel will be day trips and I have told the company that the weeks DH is travelling I can only do day trips and not overnight. Right now they are making all the right noises about working with me on this.

Yes DH has offered to scale back and work with me on this.

We might have the odd occasion when the nanny will have to stay over.

But its still a lot of travel. No family locally but have some good friends who I can call on in a pinch.

When we were considering this we were going to go the au pair route, but legally they can't work more than X hours in a row, so that didn't solve our problem of when we would both be traveling.

If you keep the good nanny, and kids are in school or camp, it could work.

Kids come home from school at 3:30, nanny is there 8 hours so 3 - 11, takes kids to after school activities, serves dinner, oversees homework, gets kids bathed and in bed. Au Pair comes on at 10:30, and is there in the morning to wake kids up, get them to school, as long as drop off is by 8:30 it's fine. No one even needs overtime

On weeks when dad doesn't travel, shift au pair hours to the weekend, or for a date night, or double on the weekdays once in a while so that Kid A doesn't get dragged to Kid B's soccer practice and vice versa.

It's not what I'd do. I'm happier with a moderate income, less challenge at work, and seeing my kid every day, but I can see it working. Kids can grow up OK in lots of different families.

[Anonymous]

I'm honestly shocked that a parent would consider a work schedule with heavy travel when the other parent already travels.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DH who travels moderately for work. My DW has recently gone back to work and is putting in long hours (gets home past 8pm every day). Right now, we can manage but it is a struggle at times. If my DW traveled for work, it would topple us.

One example is when one of my DC threw up in the middle of the night. How do you decide who stays home? Who takes the next day off if DC continues to have a fever? What if the doctor doesn't know what's going on and both parents have a deadline to hit at work?

Another example is with our baby sitter. One day, something came up and she could pick up the kids from school. Who rushes home? What if you can't make it back on time?

OP, you are looking at your situation when everything goes well. Your nanny has been with you for 3 years. What if she decides to move away, for whatever reason? Have you tried interviewing for a new nanny with both parents working full time jobs - it's very difficult.

I don't want to speculate at what could happen in your family, and hope that nothing does, but inevitably, life happens. Having some slack in your work schedule eases those moments.

Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH who travels moderately for work. My DW has recently gone back to work and is putting in long hours (gets home past 8pm every day). Right now, we can manage but it is a struggle at times. If my DW traveled for work, it would topple us.

One example is when one of my DC threw up in the middle of the night. How do you decide who stays home? Who takes the next day off if DC continues to have a fever? What if the doctor doesn't know what's going on and both parents have a deadline to hit at work?

Another example is with our baby sitter. One day, something came up and she could pick up the kids from school. Who rushes home? What if you can't make it back on time?

OP, you are looking at your situation when everything goes well. Your nanny has been with you for 3 years. What if she decides to move away, for whatever reason? Have you tried interviewing for a new nanny with both parents working full time jobs - it's very difficult.

I don't want to speculate at what could happen in your family, and hope that nothing does, but inevitably, life happens. Having some slack in your work schedule eases those moments.

Good luck with your decision.

All paemts who work face the sick child issue. same with the babysitter called out, obviously, the parent who was not away on travel would have to deal.

[Anonymous]

No way. Keep your flexible job and relationship with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this one too: https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/05/13/upshot/the-gender-pay-gap-is-largely-because-of-motherhood.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&referer=

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the unknown factor here is what kind of kids you have. I keep thinking of a certain friends' kids. The kids are independent and I really think they would be fine with parents who were not often around, as long as their basic needs were met and they have transportation to activities. They are exceptionally independent and emotionally straightforward. I have one kid sort of like that, and one who's not. My one who is not couldn't cope with the separation: he needs us and no nanny will do it.

+1. If your kids are really independent, self-starters who will be able to do their homework without tons of supervisions/prodding, unlikely to need things like therapy, special doctor's appointments, etc., then it could work and be worth it. But I think I'd also ask: (1) Do you really trust the employer to work with you, and also to be flexible if something happens like the nanny breaks her foot or her mom gets sick (both happened to me...and both within a 6 month period); and also (2) what will happen if this doesn't work out? Can you backtrack or get out of it fairly easily? Or will you be burning a major bridge and putting your career in the toilet if this doesn't work for some reason?

[Anonymous]

My nanny got pregnant and wanted a 6 month leave (after telling me that she couldn't have any more kids during her interview process) and my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (she's divorced from my dad and I'm the only child).

Just to chime in with PP that the unexpected can happen. Think through what your game plan is if something unexpected were to happen to you.

For me, I had a new job I wasn't enjoying and my husband had gotten a few salary bumps so it was easy at the time To make the decision to quit. Of course I question my decision every day but given the situation, I did make the best choice for my family at the time. These decisions are never easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm honestly shocked that a parent would consider a work schedule with heavy travel when the other parent already travels.

Agree with this

[Anonymous]

Go for it.
Moms on this board say "you're kids are only young once" "you can go for it when your kids are older"
BS.
Older working women know we have a limited shelf life. In your 40's companies want you for Senior positions. If you wait 5-10 more years, the opportunity may well expire.
Dads pursue high level, demanding positions- why shouldn't moms.
You must be very talented to be offered the job. Do you really think your highest purpose will be better served carting around kids to soccer practice and hosting playdates?
Go for it! You can always scale back if it doesn't work out.
- C Suite mom of 4, raised by an awesome working single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nanny got pregnant and wanted a 6 month leave (after telling me that she couldn't have any more kids during her interview process) and my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (she's divorced from my dad and I'm the only child).

Just to chime in with PP that the unexpected can happen. Think through what your game plan is if something unexpected were to happen to you.

So, she should sacrifice her career JUST IN CASE something bad were to happen? That's crazy. You take things as they come.
In fact, she will probably be better off for future problems, if she has built up a high level of savings from her Senior position.