Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?

[Anonymous]

I come from a fairly misogynist culture and I think yes, he is just trying to keep it great for himself.
He is ok with you being a successful business woman as long as you magically do it without spending time and money and inconveniencing him with extra duties.
He also sounds like a pompous ass with opinions that come out of nowhere. Why is he against girly things?! Ffs, they are NOT what brings women down. It's the pompous asses who cloud any idea or decision their woman might have who bring the women down.
People who spoke about your own indecisiveness are also right. I mean, he might be right, or you might be right, have you need some schooling, maybe not. Just tell him you want to do it. Tell him how much time and money and his help you will need, and just do it.
He might just be uncomfortable with making decisions.

[Anonymous]

Tell him your friend Karla used to play with barbies, have a pink bicycle and watch princess movies BUT ALSO grew up to play several sports, go to MIT and make a career in the CIA and now wears mainly black.

Pink, Disney movies, princesses = No harm no foul

Time to grow up and be a role model, enjoy life, and have fun!

[Anonymous]

Op here and wow, overwhelmed by all the thoughtful responses here. After writing it out, thinking it through, and hearing the perspectives here, I am leaning toward the belief that DH is just both thinking practically, perhaps somewhat selfishly, and just really intellectually against the idea of throwing any more money at post undergrad education. Not trying to keep me down. He's read philosophy books that are anti-education. He even suggested an apprenticeship instead. He's not controlling. On the contrary, he wants me to go back to work once the kids are older, because he has been feeling the pressure of being the sole income earner the past year.

For me, this education thing has been a sore spot in our relationship-because he's always discouraged it for me. Meanwhile I've always valued education, and beyond practical applications, viewed it as something I can do for me. The social interaction, intellectual challenge, and confidence that comes from learning.

I want DH's support because it will require some commitment from him as well. I can't just take classes when I'm taking care of little ones without some support. It's an investment of time and money for our whole family.

He knows I can run a business, I ran a sole proprietorship for well over a decade. I enjoyed it and flourished in the beginning. But the last few years were a grind for me, especially after kids. I know how to write a business plan.

I haven't just started moving forward on things because right now I have my hands full with the kids. But once my youngest starts preschool in the fall, that will free up some time for me to pursue my path. I'm just thinking ahead on what I want to do after that.

Pp's have been extremely helpful, esp in regard to options that are open for me. I'm not looking for a degree. I have looked into free and paid online courses. I will likely do some in the fall once my youngest is in preschool. I've taken some online courses in the past, as well as classroom courses. I just learn better in the classroom and enjoy them much more. Online courses are so isolating, and just requires a lot more constant self-motivation to get through. And I've come to hate spending so much time in front of a screen. I would definitely prefer taking courses in the classroom, but may still opt for online for practical reasons.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. Oh and to clarify, DH only changed course on his career path once. And he only had debt from his undergrad and professional degrees. Graduate degree was full scholarship. But still a lot. And I would not consider our HHI low, but yes, we have the school debt and a mortgage and a couple college funds to start growing.

[Anonymous]

Not going to quote the whole husband is abusive post but I got that also. It's cheaper to have wife stay home and raise his kids than her work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not going to quote the whole husband is abusive post but I got that also. It's cheaper to have wife stay home and raise his kids than her work.

Yeah but sge ends up with the short end of the stick when the kids are grown

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to empower yourself and take the classes you want to take. Your husband will just have to suck it up. If something were to happen to him and he died or couldn't work or he leaves you, you will need the means and ability to support yourself and the kids.

Do not allow him to determine your future and take away your power as a person. You are still a person and capable of making decisions for yourself. Take the classes, and let your husband figure out how to cope. Your entire family will benefit from you furthering your education. Your husband is a moron if he doesn't see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and wow, overwhelmed by all the thoughtful responses here. After writing it out, thinking it through, and hearing the perspectives here, I am leaning toward the belief that DH is just both thinking practically, perhaps somewhat selfishly, and just really intellectually against the idea of throwing any more money at post undergrad education. Not trying to keep me down. He's read philosophy books that are anti-education. He even suggested an apprenticeship instead. He's not controlling. On the contrary, he wants me to go back to work once the kids are older, because he has been feeling the pressure of being the sole income earner the past year.

For me, this education thing has been a sore spot in our relationship-because he's always discouraged it for me. Meanwhile I've always valued education, and beyond practical applications, viewed it as something I can do for me. The social interaction, intellectual challenge, and confidence that comes from learning.

I want DH's support because it will require some commitment from him as well. I can't just take classes when I'm taking care of little ones without some support. It's an investment of time and money for our whole family.

He knows I can run a business, I ran a sole proprietorship for well over a decade. I enjoyed it and flourished in the beginning. But the last few years were a grind for me, especially after kids. I know how to write a business plan.

I haven't just started moving forward on things because right now I have my hands full with the kids. But once my youngest starts preschool in the fall, that will free up some time for me to pursue my path. I'm just thinking ahead on what I want to do after that.

Pp's have been extremely helpful, esp in regard to options that are open for me. I'm not looking for a degree. I have looked into free and paid online courses. I will likely do some in the fall once my youngest is in preschool. I've taken some online courses in the past, as well as classroom courses. I just learn better in the classroom and enjoy them much more. Online courses are so isolating, and just requires a lot more constant self-motivation to get through. And I've come to hate spending so much time in front of a screen. I would definitely prefer taking courses in the classroom, but may still opt for online for practical reasons.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. Oh and to clarify, DH only changed course on his career path once. And he only had debt from his undergrad and professional degrees. Graduate degree was full scholarship. But still a lot. And I would not consider our HHI low, but yes, we have the school debt and a mortgage and a couple college funds to start growing.

I understand this and have dealt with the same issue with my husband. He comes from a family that spent a lot of money on education. In my opinion, money that should have been saved for retirement. His parents spent over a million dollars educating him and his brother. Early on in our marriage he wanted to attend graduate school and it really frustrated me. I eventually gave in and insisted we only do it if we could not take out any loans. I still think it's a waste of time and money. I keep thinking about how much money we would have in retirement if we had invested that 150k in an index fund. However, I am coming from a different place. I've done extremely well professionally without a graduate degree. I went to college on a full ride and attended public school after 5th grade. I have a stem degree and I'm a woman in a male dominated industry so maybe that's why I've been successful without an advanced degree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to empower yourself and take the classes you want to take. Your husband will just have to suck it up. If something were to happen to him and he died or couldn't work or he leaves you, you will need the means and ability to support yourself and the kids.

Do not allow him to determine your future and take away your power as a person. You are still a person and capable of making decisions for yourself. Take the classes, and let your husband figure out how to cope. Your entire family will benefit from you furthering your education. Your husband is a moron if he doesn't see that.

This is highly debatable. If OP doesn't need the degree and is getting it for simply the sake of education and the experience then it most likely won't help her family. They will be using money that could be used to instead save for college for her children or pay down their mortgage. Or invest for retirement. Going back to school could actually HURT her family. She's MARRIED with children and is no longer in the position to make her own decision in isolation. Her husband most likely pursued his education when he was younger and before children. They are in a different place now and there are other factors to consider.

It's extremely selfish to go and spend a lot of money on an unnecessary degree that results in less time with her children and spending money that could be saved for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to empower yourself and take the classes you want to take. Your husband will just have to suck it up. If something were to happen to him and he died or couldn't work or he leaves you, you will need the means and ability to support yourself and the kids.

Do not allow him to determine your future and take away your power as a person. You are still a person and capable of making decisions for yourself. Take the classes, and let your husband figure out how to cope. Your entire family will benefit from you furthering your education. Your husband is a moron if he doesn't see that.

This is highly debatable. If OP doesn't need the degree and is getting it for simply the sake of education and the experience then it most likely won't help her family. They will be using money that could be used to instead save for college for her children or pay down their mortgage. Or invest for retirement. Going back to school could actually HURT her family. She's MARRIED with children and is no longer in the position to make her own decision in isolation. Her husband most likely pursued his education when he was younger and before children. They are in a different place now and there are other factors to consider.

It's extremely selfish to go and spend a lot of money on an unnecessary degree that results in less time with her children and spending money that could be saved for college.

Exactly right. And the PP is a moron if she doesn't see that.

[Anonymous]

So interesting to me how people on this thread are so easily willing to call OP "selfish" for wanting to invest in herself, when that is exactly what the OP's DH did for 15 years - taking the family money and time and investing it solely in himself.

Also interesting to me is that many in thread want OP to be able to ensure an ROI in a way that isn't clear was applied to the DH. And, if one really wants to talk about being obligated to act in the best interests of the family, well than DH's insistence that the family spend 15 years investing iin him only is not the wisest financial play. Better would to invest to maximize both parents in the workplace. This also spreads risk and strengthens family to be resilient financially in case of unexpected problems.

Really a lot of sexism in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So interesting to me how people on this thread are so easily willing to call OP "selfish" for wanting to invest in herself, when that is exactly what the OP's DH did for 15 years - taking the family money and time and investing it solely in himself.

Also interesting to me is that many in thread want OP to be able to ensure an ROI in a way that isn't clear was applied to the DH. And, if one really wants to talk about being obligated to act in the best interests of the family, well than DH's insistence that the family spend 15 years investing iin him only is not the wisest financial play. Better would to invest to maximize both parents in the workplace. This also spreads risk and strengthens family to be resilient financially in case of unexpected problems.

Really a lot of sexism in this thread.

No. Instead most posters are probably not judging the husband because he earned a degree that is required for his job and still has this job. op doesn't have a concrete plan for starting a business and has admitted she doesn't really like working. There's a huge difference.

I think you're kind of sexist for assuming the other posters are being sexist. Get it?

[Anonymous]

If OP were a man and her DH a doctor wife I would say the exact same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So interesting to me how people on this thread are so easily willing to call OP "selfish" for wanting to invest in herself, when that is exactly what the OP's DH did for 15 years - taking the family money and time and investing it solely in himself.

Also interesting to me is that many in thread want OP to be able to ensure an ROI in a way that isn't clear was applied to the DH. And, if one really wants to talk about being obligated to act in the best interests of the family, well than DH's insistence that the family spend 15 years investing iin him only is not the wisest financial play. Better would to invest to maximize both parents in the workplace. This also spreads risk and strengthens family to be resilient financially in case of unexpected problems.

Really a lot of sexism in this thread.

No. Instead most posters are probably not judging the husband because he earned a degree that is required for his job and still has this job. op doesn't have a concrete plan for starting a business and has admitted she doesn't really like working. There's a huge difference.

I think you're kind of sexist for assuming the other posters are being sexist. Get it?

No. Most people are thinking his 1st wife (OP) supported him to get him where he is now and there is a huge risk he could take those skills with him in a divorce and he owes it to his wife to let her build her resume up in the same way so she can be successful in her own right. He also is holding her back to limit her possibilities in case she decided to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So interesting to me how people on this thread are so easily willing to call OP "selfish" for wanting to invest in herself, when that is exactly what the OP's DH did for 15 years - taking the family money and time and investing it solely in himself.

Also interesting to me is that many in thread want OP to be able to ensure an ROI in a way that isn't clear was applied to the DH. And, if one really wants to talk about being obligated to act in the best interests of the family, well than DH's insistence that the family spend 15 years investing iin him only is not the wisest financial play. Better would to invest to maximize both parents in the workplace. This also spreads risk and strengthens family to be resilient financially in case of unexpected problems.

Really a lot of sexism in this thread.

No. Instead most posters are probably not judging the husband because he earned a degree that is required for his job and still has this job. op doesn't have a concrete plan for starting a business and has admitted she doesn't really like working. There's a huge difference.

I think you're kind of sexist for assuming the other posters are being sexist. Get it?

No. Most people are thinking his 1st wife (OP) supported him to get him where he is now and there is a huge risk he could take those skills with him in a divorce and he owes it to his wife to let her build her resume up in the same way so she can be successful in her own right. He also is holding her back to limit her possibilities in case she decided to divorce.

on one hand i agree with this. however, taking random classes in order to open a business does not build a resume. either she should focus on her business, or take classes that will lead to a career for which these classes are an actual requirement (someone mentioned nursing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So interesting to me how people on this thread are so easily willing to call OP "selfish" for wanting to invest in herself, when that is exactly what the OP's DH did for 15 years - taking the family money and time and investing it solely in himself.

Also interesting to me is that many in thread want OP to be able to ensure an ROI in a way that isn't clear was applied to the DH. And, if one really wants to talk about being obligated to act in the best interests of the family, well than DH's insistence that the family spend 15 years investing iin him only is not the wisest financial play. Better would to invest to maximize both parents in the workplace. This also spreads risk and strengthens family to be resilient financially in case of unexpected problems.

Really a lot of sexism in this thread.

No. Instead most posters are probably not judging the husband because he earned a degree that is required for his job and still has this job. op doesn't have a concrete plan for starting a business and has admitted she doesn't really like working. There's a huge difference.

I think you're kind of sexist for assuming the other posters are being sexist. Get it?

No. Most people are thinking his 1st wife (OP) supported him to get him where he is now and there is a huge risk he could take those skills with him in a divorce and he owes it to his wife to let her build her resume up in the same way so she can be successful in her own right. He also is holding her back to limit her possibilities in case she decided to divorce.

Well if we are going to assume they may divorce then of course we'd have completely different advice! But normal people are assuming they are staying married and not jumping to the conclusion she is getting divorced.