Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?

[Anonymous]

DH sounds like borderline abusive. Won't let you get an undergrad degree? But will let you start a business ( probably doing his bookkeeping) won't let the girl play with dolls. Sure is a lot of what he will and won't "let" you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH sounds like borderline abusive. Won't let you get an undergrad degree? But will let you start a business ( probably doing his bookkeeping) won't let the girl play with dolls. Sure is a lot of what he will and won't "let" you do.

huh? OP has an undergrad degree. she wants to pay for expensive classes so that she can start some undefined business in a fat future.

that's stupid. either take classes to change or further a career or start the business. this way she is doing neither.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if he's trying to keep you down. But it seems like he's cheap and greedy. He only wants you to earn money. He doesn't want to invest in your future.

[Anonymous]

Take some web based courses OP. Like, through Udemy and Cousera. Not that expensive and you don't have to travel for class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, lots of ways to start a business besides going to school for another degree. You could partner with someone complementary. Might be a budget thing or maybe in his own experience his on the job stuff is not really leveraging or related to his degree...

Do you have daughters? Any indication or odd phrases towards them that are misogynist?

Yes we have a daughter. He is anti- anything girly, like pink, princess, jewelry, makeup, clothes, ballet, anything superficial- he calls all that stuff stupid He does it in the spirit of protecting her from female stereotypes. He's never once commented on her looks - that she's beautiful, pretty, etc, probably because he doesn't want her to feel her value lies in such superficial things. I disagree with him on all these fronts. To me, being empowered as a woman, is being able to be whatever you want, wear whatever color you like, and to feel beautiful inside and out. He absolutely adores her though, loves and respects her, admires her, is attentive to her, and is patient with her. It just seems he is against girlish things, and he wants her not to be stereotypically girlish, like it's a terrible thing to be.

That's not such a bad thing OP. He's probably seen what happens to women who are like that in his line of work. Once your daughter gets older, she'll decide if she wants to be super girly or not. In some professions, being super-girly is a terrible thing to be, even still.

If I was you, I would take some web based business classes (either free or through a University online learning platform) and learn business that way, and prepare for your small business. There is always the retired senior executive group who also offers business advice. He could be worried you will put more effort into going to class, and traveling to class, than the kids, while they are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The flip side is that you are saying that wearing pink is somehow the definition of "feminine." I disagree with that.

It's great that you liked dolls and rockets. The reality is the main form of attention a lot of little girls get is around their looks, how pretty they are. There's a huge focus on being pretty and on what they wear. That has a negative effect, even on girls who like rockets as a kid, because it causes them over time to see their most important features (or the things other most define them by) as being tied to their appearance.

You're entire argument assumes it's already settled what the definition of feminine is, what is "girl" stuff and what is "boy" stuff.

Perhaps OP's husband is going to far in the other direction, but I actually think he's wise not to focus on "pretty" with his daughter. OP admitted he is loving toward her.

Would you feel better if I had worded my entire post using the phrasing "traditionally feminine" and "traditionally masculine". [Aside: Feminine=/=female and masculine=/=male, people are a mix of both characteristics.] My point is that people are not entirely one thing or the other...and I do see a strong tendency to undervalue what's traditionally "girl stuff". Obviously I don't ascribe to the view about what girls and boys are allowed to like...but, yes, I do think there is very strong cultural messaging that things like "pink" and "dolls" are girl things and "rockets" are boy things. My very existence challenges that notion, but it doesn't change the predominant cultural views.

And I agree that it's good not to focus too much on *any* child's looks...but that wasn't the part I was referring to as should have been pretty clear from my post. The OP also said her DH dismisses things like dolls and pink as being silly. I strongly disagree with that as devaluing things that have traditionally been viewed as "girly" or, yes, "feminine".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That's not such a bad thing OP. He's probably seen what happens to women who are like that in his line of work. Once your daughter gets older, she'll decide if she wants to be super girly or not. In some professions, being super-girly is a terrible thing to be, even still.

If I was you, I would take some web based business classes (either free or through a University online learning platform) and learn business that way, and prepare for your small business. There is always the retired senior executive group who also offers business advice. He could be worried you will put more effort into going to class, and traveling to class, than the kids, while they are young.

The way to deal with this is not to perpetuate the baseless stereotype that wearing pink dresses makes you less capable of solving differential equations!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not going to quote the whole husband is abusive post but I got that also. It's cheaper to have wife stay home and raise his kids than her work.

Yeah but sge ends up with the short end of the stick when the kids are grown

Let's face it a SAHW makes the husband's life a TON easier. He only needs to worry about getting to work in time, same as when he was in his 20s.

[Anonymous]

For most grad degrees the ROi could be extremely low.

Try to find an alternative route to achieve the same skills or role.

[Anonymous]

He is being a true hypocrite if he claims that he is against intellectual formal education, yet immersed himself in it for years.

I don't understand his flawed logic on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is being a true hypocrite if he claims that he is against intellectual formal education, yet immersed himself in it for years.

I don't understand his flawed logic on this.

Husband was in his twenties and his education lengthy as it was was necessary for his chosen profession.

OP is in her theories and her wished for education is only tangentially related to her planned profession (owning a business).

[Anonymous]

Really? Take out $50K in loans for some "communications" or "environmental science" or "womens studies" masters degree? Bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is being a true hypocrite if he claims that he is against intellectual formal education, yet immersed himself in it for years.

I don't understand his flawed logic on this.

Op here. DH says it is partially because he has spent so much time and money in school, and has seen so much formal education first hand, that he feels this way. And this is coming from someone who went to the top ivy universities. He says the rotations in med school and residency program were valuable, but apart from that, the classroom courses were all a waste of time. That's his experience. Because he is a self-learner and learn by doing type of guy. He refuses to be traditionally taught by others. He claims he slept through 90% of his classes and just read the text after instead. He doesn't really get that I learn better with structure, and that I get more than just knowledge out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? Take out $50K in loans for some "communications" or "environmental science" or "womens studies" masters degree? Bad idea.

Op here and to clarify again for you and other pp's: I don't want a degree. I want to take courses to fill in some skill and knowledge gaps I feel I need to be a good small business owner.

And I have a timeline in my head. Start taking the courses in the fall once my youngest starts preschool (2.5hrs in the morning). Start the business once my youngest starts 1st grade, which will be in 2020. Also we will be done paying off our mortgage that same year, so that will free up some money for us that I could invest into the business. But mostly I plan to bootstrap it. I am very debt-averse-- never had any, except for our mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really? Take out $50K in loans for some "communications" or "environmental science" or "womens studies" masters degree? Bad idea.

Op here and to clarify again for you and other pp's: I don't want a degree. I want to take courses to fill in some skill and knowledge gaps I feel I need to be a good small business owner.

And I have a timeline in my head. Start taking the courses in the fall once my youngest starts preschool (2.5hrs in the morning). Start the business once my youngest starts 1st grade, which will be in 2020. Also we will be done paying off our mortgage that same year, so that will free up some money for us that I could invest into the business. But mostly I plan to bootstrap it. I am very debt-averse-- never had any, except for our mortgage.

Also to add: I also want to take courses not just to fill in knowledge/skill gaps, but for ME--my time, some intellectual stimulation, social interaction and networking, and to give me greater confidence by learning. My life right now is all about meeting other peoples needs, and I really just hunger to do something for me.