Why do people who have kids literally drop off the face of the earth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three little kids, and I think that people who claim they are too busy to socialize are ridiculous. People think they are way busier than they are. Almost no one is too busy to get dinner or a drink with a friend once every couple of weeks. It is literally a few hours a month. I'm sure all of these people are watching several hours of TV a week.

And these suggestions that the hanging out should include kids or families is also ridiculous. I really think that this pervasive idea that you are too busy for any socializing or hobbies, and that all free time should be spent at work or at home is the source of a lot of stress and unhappiness these days.

Yeah but if you have more than 4 different friends, once a month with each friend turns into more than once a week going out with a friend. Assuming your spouse has friends too, that's two family nights a week down the drain. Add in a sports practice (adults or kids), book club, hanging out with neighbors, visiting family, and hopefully date night with your spouse, and it quickly turns into a rarity to be able to sit down as a nuclear family and have dinner at the table. I think it's understandable how someone could wind up seeing a particular friend once every few months as opposed to once every few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Why are you even posting on DC Urban Mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even posting on DC Urban Mom?

Why did Al Capone rob banks? Because that's where the money was. Why ask questions about balancing kids and friendships on a parenting board? Maybe you now get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three little kids, and I think that people who claim they are too busy to socialize are ridiculous. People think they are way busier than they are. Almost no one is too busy to get dinner or a drink with a friend once every couple of weeks. It is literally a few hours a month. I'm sure all of these people are watching several hours of TV a week.

And these suggestions that the hanging out should include kids or families is also ridiculous. I really think that this pervasive idea that you are too busy for any socializing or hobbies, and that all free time should be spent at work or at home is the source of a lot of stress and unhappiness these days.

Yeah but if you have more than 4 different friends, once a month with each friend turns into more than once a week going out with a friend. Assuming your spouse has friends too, that's two family nights a week down the drain. Add in a sports practice (adults or kids), book club, hanging out with neighbors, visiting family, and hopefully date night with your spouse, and it quickly turns into a rarity to be able to sit down as a nuclear family and have dinner at the table. I think it's understandable how someone could wind up seeing a particular friend once every few months as opposed to once every few weeks.

This. Only one parent can go out at a time, and then you have date night, school events, family. Also, OP, you may be lucky enough not to have this problem, but mid 30s and 40s is when our own parents start having health problems and needing more help. Work-- have to make up time from all those kid sick days, and have to earn enough money to support the kids. They may also have new friends (either parent friends or just friends) that they enjoy and want to spend time with. Or they're trying to have a baby and need to stay in. Or the wife is pregnant and feels like crap so the dad needs to pull more weight.

Of course, it's probably that they just don't like you enough to make the time. After I had a kid, some people just didn't make the cut. But the kid was just a socially acceptable reason- I wish I had stepped out of those relationships a long time before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships evolve. Have you tried going to a park/ having a picnic / etc . Where the kids can come along? You may need to involve the family to maintain the friendship. And that's ok.

Don't do this. This is coming from a childfree woman in her late 30's. Honestly, it's not worth trying to plan around your friends' kids'. Been there, done that. You'll only start resenting those friends for having to accommodate their kids' ridiculous schedules.

You do you. Meet a woman. Meet other single or divorced guys. Go to meet ups and do all the things that childfree people do like wine tasting, art, working out, etc. You'll make new friends.

Childfree woman in my late 20s, actually. Don't have friends with kids yet but I love kids and would definitely want to do this (maybe not all the time, but sometimes! ) FWIW, I don't think I actually want to have kids myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their kids are more important than you are. Deal with it

well, that's a poor attitude, isn't it? they could learn how to include me, I was their friend before they had kids, I should still be considered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they don't like your improper use of the word "literally" and they've shunned you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because most parents love their children and want to spend as much time with them as possible. Sometimes it's not a lot, when long hours at work are involved. Also, they seek like-minded friends with kid so they can talk "shop" together, get advice, complain and sympathize.

You're not high on the priority list, OP, sorry. I'd rather bring my kids to museums than you.

So then they should come out and say that. Have the balls to actually say, I'm sorry, I am likely not going to be polite and have manners and engage in the same basic social reciprocity upon which our friendship persisted for 10+ years. At least own it. Don't hide.

You're stupid if you really think that, but of course you don't. Stop acting petulantly and grow up. You're not the center of their universe and they are not going to articulate that for you. It should be obvious to you that friendships evolve with time, kids or not kids.

Sending you a massive eye-roll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their kids are more important than you are. Deal with it

well, that's a poor attitude, isn't it? they could learn how to include me, I was their friend before they had kids, I should still be considered.

Me me me! Waah! I want to be first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because most parents love their children and want to spend as much time with them as possible. Sometimes it's not a lot, when long hours at work are involved. Also, they seek like-minded friends with kid so they can talk "shop" together, get advice, complain and sympathize.

You're not high on the priority list, OP, sorry. I'd rather bring my kids to museums than you.

So then they should come out and say that. Have the balls to actually say, I'm sorry, I am likely not going to be polite and have manners and engage in the same basic social reciprocity upon which our friendship persisted for 10+ years. At least own it. Don't hide.

You're stupid if you really think that, but of course you don't. Stop acting petulantly and grow up. You're not the center of their universe and they are not going to articulate that for you. It should be obvious to you that friendships evolve with time, kids or not kids.

Sending you a massive eye-roll.

Oh someone is quite mature

[Anonymous]

My husband does make a point to go to happy hour once a month or so or meet a friend for a bike ride during weekend nap time. I don't "make" him come home right after work, but 5:30-9pm at our house is all hands on deck with dinner, baths, books and bed. My husband and I don't leave each other to do it alone unless we have something really important like a friend's birthday or a team celebration at work. I make time for lunch with my childless friends even though it messes up my pumping schedule. Not sure why all your friends ghosted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey man you are being a bit too sensitive much? I thought we are tight and so I'll talk to you when I get the time, knowing we are good pals for so long, I didn't think you will get all offended?

Anyway, my boy is around 4 and half and my job recently just went crazy busy, the little time I have left, I need to mow the lawn, chores, a bit family time and then do some of my own craps. Shoot shit with pals take time, and I only do that when I have 2 to 3 hour block open, otherwise, I take nap whenever I can.

Why I didn't reply to your message? I saw it, just when i wanted to reply, some stuff came up with work/kids and then I totally forgot about it. When I remembered, it was 3 days later and so I just didn't bother to reply to an old message.

I'll catch up with you next time.

This exactly. Re-read this several times, OP and let it sink in.
Others have also broken it down for you. Mull things over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their kids are more important than you are. Deal with it

well, that's a poor attitude, isn't it? they could learn how to include me, I was their friend before they had kids, I should still be considered.

That's a lot of "shoulds" over the course of this thread..... Their lives have gotten bigger and deeper and more complicated, and sometimes it is too much trouboe to socialize with someone who demands everything on their own terms. A lot of people will default to socializing with other families, for many reasons, but not the least of which are the lack of judgment and general shared experience / trauma / investment.

You prob wouldn't be cool with them being an hour late to meet you, the kid pooping or spitting on you, screaming the whole time, or the parents not being able to have a deep conversation bc they have been up all night.... correct? That is probably why they dont want to hang with you. That is their life.

[Anonymous]

Here's an idea for childless people - invite us out late. I need to help with bedtime and nurse my infant but I'm free after 9pm. Go to gym, grab dinner and then meet up with me at a wine bar after my kids are asleep. Or better yet, come over for drinks after my kids are asleep and I'll supply the drinks.

[Anonymous]

I think the hardest part to understand is the complete lack of "me" time when you are a parent and what that does. Before I had kids, once my work day was done, it was my choice on how to spend the rest of my time. I could socialize and relax and exercise at times of my choosing and often do all three in a single day. I chose my bedtime, my work wake up and departure time, and could spend time with myself. As a parent, most of that is blown away. You are responsible for keeping other people alive and need to work to their schedule. The children want to be around you. When you finally get a child-free and task-free time, unless you are a massive extrovert, you want to spend a bit of time just being, and not with other people. Only once your me-recharge time has added up a bit do you feel like seeing other people.