Why do people who have kids literally drop off the face of the earth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

Hi near-tenured professor. We (DH and I) want to do these grown-up things like coffee, wine tasting, art museums etc. But we are sleep deprived and we have to do kid stuff. The consequence of not doing these horribly mundane and exhausting stuff means that we fall behind to the extent that it is difficult to catch up. Plus we have to work, do house stuff, take care of work projects, health problems of our elderly parents and sick kids and basically be parents.

Will you still be around when we become empty nesters? Because that will probably be the time that we emerge from our parental fog.

On the other hand, if you promise not be judgmental and drop by for just a pizza and beer in a chaotic household, we would love to see you.

+1 to this. Two of my closest, longest-term friends don't have children. One really makes an effort to work around my schedule. She'll come over to my neighborhood at 9 pm, after I put my kids to bed, and we'll go out for a drink or late dinner. I see her every couple of weeks and don't feel like our relationship has changed too much since I had kids. The other friend doesn't do that, she still texts me invitations, often last minute, to the kind of fun lets-go-to-a-hip-after-work-event kind of thing I used to do all the time. I usually say no (and yes sometimes forget to respond). But sometimes I go, and more importantly I know she doesn't take offense either way. I think that's the only way to maintain a friendship with people in the thick of early-years parenting. Just accept that their life and your place in it has changed. If you want to work with and around that, then great. If not, you need to find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their kids are more important than you are. Deal with it

well, that's a poor attitude, isn't it? they could learn how to include me, I was their friend before they had kids, I should still be considered.

Ah, here we are. Look, there is only so much whining a human being can stand. Before kids, your whining was not exceeding their total whining tolerance. After kids, there is so much whining already that extra whining from adults cannot be allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. People think your digs about my grammar/prose are hurting. They aren't. This isn't a peer reviewed journal article. Trust me, I have plenty of those. It's a message board. Slang is LITERALLY okay, y'all. =)

For me it was the douchieness of referring to academic credentials while clearly not understanding the meaning of the word you used in the title of the post.

Signed,

Near-partner at a big law firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. People think your digs about my grammar/prose are hurting. They aren't. This isn't a peer reviewed journal article. Trust me, I have plenty of those. It's a message board. Slang is LITERALLY okay, y'all. =)

This is DCUM, yo. Consider it a peer-reviewed message board.

[Anonymous]

Team OP here! Haters gonna hate, OP! Just shake it off. Legit questions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the hardest part to understand is the complete lack of "me" time when you are a parent and what that does. Before I had kids, once my work day was done, it was my choice on how to spend the rest of my time. I could socialize and relax and exercise at times of my choosing and often do all three in a single day. I chose my bedtime, my work wake up and departure time, and could spend time with myself. As a parent, most of that is blown away. You are responsible for keeping other people alive and need to work to their schedule. The children want to be around you. When you finally get a child-free and task-free time, unless you are a massive extrovert, you want to spend a bit of time just being, and not with other people. Only once your me-recharge time has added up a bit do you feel like seeing other people.

+100. When my kids go to their grandparents house for one week in the summer, we are in awe. No cooking, we go out to Happy Hour because we can. I come home and have NO responsibilities. If I wake up at 6am and feel like going in early to work I can do so because I don't have to drop the kids at camp/daycare. Heck, one day we went crazy and went to a movie one evening during the work week that the kids were away because it was sold out during the weekend and we said wait, we can go to a 6:00pm movie and still get to bed early enough for work the next day.

So agree with the other posters that part of get together with friends depends on the time, frequency, and age of the children. When my children were young, we would tend to have Mom Night Out during the work week but around 7-7:30 so it would be after the kids were in bed or close to it so it wasn't putting a lot of extra work for our husbands. We also were meeting up mabye once a month, not every week. With another group of friends we found Sunday brunch was surprisingly devoid of any conflicts with kid activities for the most part. My phone conversation with college friends tended to be on the drive home while in rush hour traffic - it's the only time I have both the privacy for a phone call and a decent block of time before the kids are asleep. I talk to one friend weekly - in a way being on a shedule in a sense makes it easier. For lots of guys those kickball teams etc is the way they stay social. Having something that is scheduled and affordable (like running, soccer, kickball) allows people to see friends, you aren't spending the kind of money like eating out (which you can easily spend $35-$40 each time) and are enjoying a hobby. Women have book clubs where no one reads the book - but it's a low cost way to get together on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the hardest part to understand is the complete lack of "me" time when you are a parent and what that does. Before I had kids, once my work day was done, it was my choice on how to spend the rest of my time. I could socialize and relax and exercise at times of my choosing and often do all three in a single day. I chose my bedtime, my work wake up and departure time, and could spend time with myself. As a parent, most of that is blown away. You are responsible for keeping other people alive and need to work to their schedule. The children want to be around you. When you finally get a child-free and task-free time, unless you are a massive extrovert, you want to spend a bit of time just being, and not with other people. Only once your me-recharge time has added up a bit do you feel like seeing other people.

+100. When my kids go to their grandparents house for one week in the summer, we are in awe. No cooking, we go out to Happy Hour because we can. I come home and have NO responsibilities. If I wake up at 6am and feel like going in early to work I can do so because I don't have to drop the kids at camp/daycare. Heck, one day we went crazy and went to a movie one evening during the work week that the kids were away because it was sold out during the weekend and we said wait, we can go to a 6:00pm movie and still get to bed early enough for work the next day.

So agree with the other posters that part of get together with friends depends on the time, frequency, and age of the children. When my children were young, we would tend to have Mom Night Out during the work week but around 7-7:30 so it would be after the kids were in bed or close to it so it wasn't putting a lot of extra work for our husbands. We also were meeting up mabye once a month, not every week. With another group of friends we found Sunday brunch was surprisingly devoid of any conflicts with kid activities for the most part. My phone conversation with college friends tended to be on the drive home while in rush hour traffic - it's the only time I have both the privacy for a phone call and a decent block of time before the kids are asleep. I talk to one friend weekly - in a way being on a shedule in a sense makes it easier. For lots of guys those kickball teams etc is the way they stay social. Having something that is scheduled and affordable (like running, soccer, kickball) allows people to see friends, you aren't spending the kind of money like eating out (which you can easily spend $35-$40 each time) and are enjoying a hobby. Women have book clubs where no one reads the book - but it's a low cost way to get together on a regular basis.

If you're still waking up at 6am when the kids are away, you're not doing it right.

[Anonymous]

It's not just that kids are actually HARD work, but the cooking/cleaning/laundry/shopping/errands, etc. that go w/the territory never end.

Even taking time to shower can be tough.

When the kids are older and more independent things get a bit easier.

Well at least on a physical level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

what is your problem. Kids are a time suck no matter how you do it. Also, on evenings I not with my kid, I would like to hit the gym. Maybe your bros are having sex with their wives, laughing with their kids or working out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

what is your problem. Kids are a time suck no matter how you do it. Also, on evenings I not with my kid, I would like to hit the gym. Maybe your bros are having sex with their wives, laughing with their kids or working out.

Not if you read DCUM they're not

[Anonymous]

Why don't you meet up for lunch near where your friends work? As a professor I would hope you have at least one day a week you can get off campus to go meet a friend somewhere. Even if your friends have busy work schedule, I would bet they can make time for a proper lunch once a month or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the hardest part to understand is the complete lack of "me" time when you are a parent and what that does. Before I had kids, once my work day was done, it was my choice on how to spend the rest of my time. I could socialize and relax and exercise at times of my choosing and often do all three in a single day. I chose my bedtime, my work wake up and departure time, and could spend time with myself. As a parent, most of that is blown away. You are responsible for keeping other people alive and need to work to their schedule. The children want to be around you. When you finally get a child-free and task-free time, unless you are a massive extrovert, you want to spend a bit of time just being, and not with other people. Only once your me-recharge time has added up a bit do you feel like seeing other people.

This. I would need about a million hours in pure solitude before I would ever be interested in friends who are not my dearest inner circle.

And then, I'd want to catch up with them in quality time. Not at a wine tasting or some forced activity. Just two friends, talking and catching up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. People think your digs about my grammar/prose are hurting. They aren't. This isn't a peer reviewed journal article. Trust me, I have plenty of those. It's a message board. Slang is LITERALLY okay, y'all. =)

This is DCUM, yo. Consider it a peer-reviewed message board.

Yes, OP, you're not a big-shot here. DCUM isn't exactly the rank and file.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. For a few weeks/months, okay. But in perpetuity? FWIW, I'm a guy and I'm talking mostly about my guy friends. Is it that their wives are keeping them away? That they don't want to see what it's like back in the single/non-kidded world? It can't be that they are that "busy." I'm not talking about crashing Vegas and roadtrips, but guys who I used to have a weekly dinner with or grab coffee or a beer for an hour during or after the workday that literally disappear. Not even "Oh sorry I can't make it"... just radio f'in silence. Makes me feel like the childfree types -- of which I'm not one myself -- have a point.

What gives?

After kids, I have very little time not devoted to my kids, my wife and my work. If you want to spend time with me, you're best bet is to join me when I'm with my kids, my wife or at my work. Weekly dinner or a happy hour beer? Ah, sweet memories of a past life. I don't have the money for it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. People think your digs about my grammar/prose are hurting. They aren't. This isn't a peer reviewed journal article. Trust me, I have plenty of those. It's a message board. Slang is LITERALLY okay, y'all. =)

And you were wonder why these folks don't prioritize friendship. They don't have real friends to begin with.