Why do people who have kids literally drop off the face of the earth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships evolve. Have you tried going to a park/ having a picnic / etc . Where the kids can come along? You may need to involve the family to maintain the friendship. And that's ok.

This. Your friends are incredibly rude if they don't even respond. Grant you that no matter who they are or what they're doing day to day, unless they're off at war or going through chemotherapy or something.

Life has changed. PPs are right, they are prioritizing family time and possibly simply trying to keep all the balls in the air. Agree with the idea that maybe you could shift your expectations. My best friend is still child-free and until recently was single. She knew that the best chance to see me was to work around my other commitments. That is, join me at my house after the kid's bedtime and split a bottle of wine rather than a wine tasting all evening out at a bar or restaurant. When my child was a baby, she'd meet me on the trail and walk a few miles while the baby slept in the stroller instead of at the gym for spin class followed by brunch. It probably wasn't as much fun for her, but our friendship was important to both of us, so we found ways to make it work.

DH and I work hard to give each other free time to see friends or engage in hobbies, but truth be told, as two WOH parents we both prioritize time as a family more than we do those things.

[Anonymous]

Well, I will disagree with most on this thread and say that while I love being a mom, I still need and value my friendships. Fortunately, my friends are the same and most of us have kids. We both maintained our friendships post-kids and I consider that a good thing.

I think you need to find new friends however. My childhood best friend trivialized my single/childfree lifestyle once she had her son so I migrated to new friends. A few years later, she was upset when I wasn't there during a crisis for her. She'd lost other friendships as well.

[Anonymous]

We spend all of our money on our kids and related expenses! Hence, we are too broke and too tired to be having "fun." And when you are broke and tired, nothing is fun! Then in out 40(or DCUM 50s, since you know having kids in your late 20s means you are barefoot and pregers and white trash....LOL) we start going out again, then kids again break the bank with college tuition. Hence, it is mostly the money and being tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know I do think this thread is revealing something that is rarely talked about in modern parenting. Like sure sh*$ is hard and everything and you're tired. But people LIKE spending time with their kids. I really kind of enjoy all the guys on here talking about how they really would rather spend time with their kids than going to a bar.

I feel like we should talk about how freaking cool little kids can be more often. It seems like all anyone talks about these days is cleaning up poop and vomit and walking around like a zombie barely holding on to one's sanity. I watched my kid discover what a garden hose does yesterday and it was awesome!

I think like with all things it is a balance. I love my kids, I love to spend time with them. I would also really love to go to Vegas with my buddies.

I'm the PP. If my DH wanted to do that I'd totally support him honestly. But half of the reason I would is because he isn't going to 'weekly dinners' or frequent wine tastings and art museums with his friends all the time.

My DH shows up almost all the time, so when he wants to hang out with his friends, he has my total support. But he doesn't want to be out to dinner every week. And I love that about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will disagree with most on this thread and say that while I love being a mom, I still need and value my friendships. Fortunately, my friends are the same and most of us have kids. We both maintained our friendships post-kids and I consider that a good thing.

I think you need to find new friends however. My childhood best friend trivialized my single/childfree lifestyle once she had her son so I migrated to new friends. A few years later, she was upset when I wasn't there during a crisis for her. She'd lost other friendships as well.

I'm one of the PPs you're disagreeing with and I totally maintain a lot of female friendships with a mixture of childfree friends and some friends that have a kid.

I agree its important to get outside the bubble and live your life. I also think expecting weekly dinner/art dates with a friend who is the parent of a young child is a lot and its probably coming at the expense of something like marital satisfaction or child bonding.

I don't think I could say exactly how often I do things, but I have a running text chain with a group of girlfriends and somewhat regular group dinners/weekend activities. But neither my husband or I go into the weekend with the expectation that we have a bunch of social engagements. We plan these things out in advance and it somehow works out that MOST weekends and most weeknights we're doing the family thing. It's all about balance of course.

But if I had a friend who was inviting me to two or three things a week and getting annoyed that I wasn't responding promptly enough? I would drift, I don't have time for that kind of relationship commitment outside of my family while I have young kids. It sucks but its a necessary sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Hey man you are being a bit too sensitive much? I thought we are tight and so I'll talk to you when I get the time, knowing we are good pals for so long, I didn't think you will get all offended?

Anyway, my boy is around 4 and half and my job recently just went crazy busy, the little time I have left, I need to mow the lawn, chores, a bit family time and then do some of my own craps. Shoot shit with pals take time, and I only do that when I have 2 to 3 hour block open, otherwise, I take nap whenever I can.

Why I didn't reply to your message? I saw it, just when i wanted to reply, some stuff came up with work/kids and then I totally forgot about it. When I remembered, it was 3 days later and so I just didn't bother to reply to an old message.

I'll catch up with you next time.

[Anonymous]

Mostly it changes after you marry imo. You are busy with your life and kids. Often married people end up with new friend that are also married. Even so sometimes you just rather be home with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

Don't worry OP just another sexist troll poster. If only you had kept your gender hidden...

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they don't like you.

What's not to like? He literally has the best grasp on both his grammar and his emotions. He's so open about his feels. Who wouldn't want a friend who texts multiple invitations a week. He must make his friends feel really needed.

[Anonymous]

We often stay home to make sure homework happens. Blame homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An almost tenured-faculty member in their 30s? Why aren't you married and having kids? If you don't want to/that life is not for you, see your married w/ kids friends when possible but find confirmed bachelor's like yourself to socialize with. Also, academia is tough--you are more likely to get divorced then they are.

Because the measure of your life's success is determined by having kids and getting married in your 30's? Sad that you think that way.

[Anonymous]

I have three little kids, and I think that people who claim they are too busy to socialize are ridiculous. People think they are way busier than they are. Almost no one is too busy to get dinner or a drink with a friend once every couple of weeks. It is literally a few hours a month. I'm sure all of these people are watching several hours of TV a week.

And these suggestions that the hanging out should include kids or families is also ridiculous. I really think that this pervasive idea that you are too busy for any socializing or hobbies, and that all free time should be spent at work or at home is the source of a lot of stress and unhappiness these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. For a few weeks/months, okay. But in perpetuity? FWIW, I'm a guy and I'm talking mostly about my guy friends. Is it that their wives are keeping them away? That they don't want to see what it's like back in the single/non-kidded world? It can't be that they are that "busy." I'm not talking about crashing Vegas and roadtrips, but guys who I used to have a weekly dinner with or grab coffee or a beer for an hour during or after the workday that literally disappear. Not even "Oh sorry I can't make it"... just radio f'in silence. Makes me feel like the childfree types -- of which I'm not one myself -- have a point.

What gives?

My husband is still out a lot and we have twin babies. But he chooses to come home more than he used to, out of respect for me and to form a bond with the babies. I think it's important to still hang out after having kids but it's hard when you are exhausted and have to pay a babysitter and get up early the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's fine to be less available. But to lose the common manners of responding to invitations (extended personally via text or email) is just rude. I get that you have less time, but your manners shouldn't simply change because you've procreated. It takes 2 seconds to send an "I can't make it this week, Bill" text.

Agreed.