Why do people who have kids literally drop off the face of the earth?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Again, it's not that they have less time. I get that. But my guy friends with kids seem to think they have some newfound immunity from being polite and actually keeping in touch re: plans and continuing to have a friendship. Whenever we do hang out it's always "we should do this more often." But simply getting them to communicate is near impossible post kids.

[Anonymous]

Because most parents love their children and want to spend as much time with them as possible. Sometimes it's not a lot, when long hours at work are involved. Also, they seek like-minded friends with kid so they can talk "shop" together, get advice, complain and sympathize.

You're not high on the priority list, OP, sorry. I'd rather bring my kids to museums than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

I'm not PP but you sound super self centered. I agree with other PPs that they shoudl be able to respond to a text. But I'm not going to wine tastings anymore (I am not a man FWIW). I will go out to dinner with friends occasionally, but I LIKE my spouse and kid. I enjoy spending time with them. I don't want to miss out on more things with my than I already am by working full time. My DH feels the same way. He also doesn't want to stick me with night and morning duty (like another PP pointed out). Your life just changes. And suddenly your on a kid schedule and it just feels like a lot of work to so things like you're talking about on the regular.

And FWIW I think softball leagues are just as acceptable a leisure activity as museums. My DH and I balance our personal interests and make time for the most important ones and the rest of the time is family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

I bet they'd be happy to have you over for dinner or drinks at their house. Or to go to the art museum with a kid or two in tow during the day. There's just not a lot of time (or money) to spend on random activities when you have little kids. If you're having trouble getting any response at all, even a no, it's probably you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because most parents love their children and want to spend as much time with them as possible. Sometimes it's not a lot, when long hours at work are involved. Also, they seek like-minded friends with kid so they can talk "shop" together, get advice, complain and sympathize.

You're not high on the priority list, OP, sorry. I'd rather bring my kids to museums than you.

So then they should come out and say that. Have the balls to actually say, I'm sorry, I am likely not going to be polite and have manners and engage in the same basic social reciprocity upon which our friendship persisted for 10+ years. At least own it. Don't hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

Check back during their retirement years. Child raising in this area, and staying in a committed marriage, is expensive, time consuming and hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Again, it's not that they have less time. I get that. But my guy friends with kids seem to think they have some newfound immunity from being polite and actually keeping in touch re: plans and continuing to have a friendship. Whenever we do hang out it's always "we should do this more often." But simply getting them to communicate is near impossible post kids.

It's called too much multi-tasking. Half the time people don't respond to me, and half the time I don't respond to them. It's not that we don't like each other, indeed I think a lot about all my friends, but phoning or sending an email, believe it or not, is sometimes not possible. I've been thinking about getting in touch with an old friend for months now. Have either of us contacted each other yet? Nope. Yet I know she thinks about me just as much as I think about her.

[Anonymous]

Two issues, one of which OP is not at fault: 1.) people not replying his invitations and 2.) not having time to hang out with Op.

1.) op friends are just plain rude for not replying him (or this might really be a breaking point of their relationship)

2.) friends and everything else takes a back seat when it comes to kids. Which sounds more like reasonable, "yea daddy will play catch with you tonight for an hour after work" or "daddy can't play catch with you tonight for an hour because daddy needs to go wine tasting with a friend"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because most parents love their children and want to spend as much time with them as possible. Sometimes it's not a lot, when long hours at work are involved. Also, they seek like-minded friends with kid so they can talk "shop" together, get advice, complain and sympathize.

You're not high on the priority list, OP, sorry. I'd rather bring my kids to museums than you.

So then they should come out and say that. Have the balls to actually say, I'm sorry, I am likely not going to be polite and have manners and engage in the same basic social reciprocity upon which our friendship persisted for 10+ years. At least own it. Don't hide.

Dude how have you gotten to your 30s without understanding that as life shifts happen, people fade in and out of your life? This didn't happen with your college friends? Sometimes with friends as they get married?

My best friends are the ones that put no pressure on the relationship. We can go without talking for months or even years and pick up like old times when the opportunity presents itself. Someone like you who needs relationship tending? Ain't nobody got time for that in post kid world. Try again when their kids are 7+

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't like your improper use of the word "literally" and they've shunned you.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I feel you, OP. I'm having the same issues. I realize that we're in different stages of life, but it doesn't make it any less disheartening or annoying. And these are the same people that will wonder why they have no social life or why their friends don't want to hang out once their kids are older. I see those posts all over DCUM too. But it just means they weren't good friends or thoughtful people to begin with so it's better to find that out about them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Again, it's not that they have less time. I get that. But my guy friends with kids seem to think they have some newfound immunity from being polite and actually keeping in touch re: plans and continuing to have a friendship. Whenever we do hang out it's always "we should do this more often." But simply getting them to communicate is near impossible post kids.

Imagine how their wives feel. Men are easily overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Again, it's not that they have less time. I get that. But my guy friends with kids seem to think they have some newfound immunity from being polite and actually keeping in touch re: plans and continuing to have a friendship. Whenever we do hang out it's always "we should do this more often." But simply getting them to communicate is near impossible post kids.

OP, have you considered that they are maybe just overwhelmed? That the free time you have to whinge about why they're not calling you back is time that they're spending being overwhelmed by something else?

I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and I often felt like my single friends just did not really understand what my life was like. You say "get a beer after work" like that's the easiest thing in the world. It might be easy. But when you have a baby or a little kid to take care of, if work ends at 5:30, you have MAYBE an hour and a half with your baby before bedtime. And like a PP mentioned, you are likely to be getting up early. Not to go to the gym or make espresso or consider what art museum you will visit this weekend, but to change diapers, feed a hungry child, and get yourself and that child ready to go for the day, on top of the sleep deprivation that a lot of parents simply learn to live with. Your hour of "getting a beer on Thursday" is my hour of seeing my child on Thursday evening.

[Anonymous]

The gravitational pull gets worse when you have kids. They may be trying and trying with all of their might to remain on the face of the Earth...but then eventually gravity overtakes them and off they fall. Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wait til they get divorced. Bet they will wanna talk extensively then. Of course, they won't want the same treatment of radio silence when they are suddenly "in need."