Husband refuses to leave low paying, dead end job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

PP, I would say that your 12 and 14 year old don't have to be driven to activities. They can be restricted to activities that are family schedule friendly (on weekends or at the school and they can walk home, or they can take public transit to get there. As much as it sucked, I just couldn't participate in activities when I was a kid because both my parents worked and had long commutes. I fully recognize that my way of giving my kids what I didn't have revolves around activities. I have had to compromise wth DH what activities they are involved in and get his support with drop off and pickups etc for the activity or frankly the answer is no. And there are certain things my kids are not involved in because it would be too big of a commitment.

Either your husband values the activities your kids are in and wants them to do all these things, in which case he should be willing to help make it happen, or YOU want them to do it and are willing to do all the work to make it happen. Agree first on what you value and if you find a disconnect, hear each other out and come up with joint solutions for a compromise. While I wouldn't tell DH to get a new job that makes more money, there would not be a scenario in which I'm getting a new job with no flexibility making more money AND doing all the things I did prior due to the flexibility of my old job.

NP. Pp, you are an arse. A huge asswipe. What you know about the need to transport op's kids could fill half a thimble. Stop being such a "what's good for me/my kid is good enough for you/your kid". If my kid is not your kid, how the hell would you know what my kids needs are? You cannot perceive that anyone's needs could vary from your own.

PP here that you are now calling names. If OP said she was driving her kids to therapy or to the hospital for life saving surgery, I would agree that her kids have different needs. She never said her kid activities were life or death. Nor has she said that her kids succeeding in said activities are the only way out for them. Like someone that may be driving their kids cross town to get an education at a school that isn't offered where they are so the child had a better chance out of poverty and to succeed in life. So yes, I will question need versus want. In my mind, a true need means I am going to do what needs to be done and if DH is standing in my way we may have to part ways. There is no compromise on my child getting life saving medical attention and/or therapy. I would even go a step further to say, if this is a no compromise type thing, then I would have to figure out how to do at as a single parent anyway , so trying to get soon to be exDH a new job would not be a consideration because I would be too busy trying to figure out as a single mom what job I need to support my children and make sure what needs to get done does get done.

So let's move on to want. If this is a want, as long as OP and her DH agree, I say wonderful that they found the person that agrees. I will use public school versus private school. If someone went to private school and knew they wanted their children to go to the same private schools as part of tradition that is great if they married someone that feels the same way. Then they have a conversation together about what sacrifices should be made to make that happen. Maybe DH will gets a higher paying jobs maybe we decide it should be me. Maybe I get a job working for the school so we will get a discount. But if there was agreeement, OP wouldn't be posting. You can call me names but I am absolutely not going to make OP's DH out to be the bad guy if she is making the decisions about what is important for the kids (and this isn't life or death - physical or mental, it isn't fundamental like food, shelter, education) and expects him to sacrifice to make it happen without getting his agreement/Buy-in or considering compromises. I don't need to know what her kids needs are, but I know she needs her DH to be in agreement if she wants him to willingly make sacrifices to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The main issue isn't really the salary- it's the long hours and how it impacts their family life. The dh makes $64k and works 60 hours a week?! This doesn't even count the time he has to spend commuting to work. Making $64k at a strictly 9-5 job with a short commute is reasonable- this situation is not.

It's understandably difficult to find a new job in your fifties but he should, at least, try to find a position with better hours. Regardless, he shouldn't be saddling OP, who also works full-time, with all the childcare and household management responsibilities.

Where do they live? In DC, that's not a good salary. In Shreveport, Louisiana, it's not bad -- even with the overtime.

And most people don't work 60 hours per week. They might do that for occasional busy stretches, here and there, but I doubt this guy has been working 60 hours per week for years and years, unless they have multiple jobs or have some kind of awesome dream job that they are passionate about. OP must be counting his lunch hour and commute as "work."

[Anonymous]

He won't change. He's in his 50's, you've tried for 10 years. Not happening. Cut your expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, here is a good question for the OP. When you married you promised to honor and hold your husband "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death." Right now, you both earn upwards of $100K, if you are earning near or equal to your DH. This is at least twice the national median income. That being said, your DH is now working. What would you do if, God forbid, he lost his job or became disabled or could not work b/c of sickness. Count your blessings and stop pressuring him.

+1. OP's husband is gainfully employed and in good health. HHI is at least 104k, presuming OP is making at least 40k, which isn't unreasonable as a social worker.

Median HHI in DC is 93k. OP needs a lot more gratitude; things could be much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is worse than a bad job. If he's happy stop harassing him . An unhappy job is worse than an unhappy marriage.

So true. What happens if OP's husband jumps ship, gets a different job, and then gets laid off in a few years, or becomes miserable? Those are far more likely outcomes at 50 than the magical option of finding a higher paying job at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I am a single mom, doing all that you do, and would be thrilled, THRILLED, to have another adult contributing $64k a year to the household. Do a better budget, there's no reason you can't live well on his salary plus yours.

Hey, lady, there's women in India living on $1 a day, and they would be thrilled, THRILLED to have your budget!!! BE GRATEFUL!


Do you see how irrelevant a comment like that is now?

Nah, I agree with the PP. Adding salaries (despite the OP leaving out her salary) suggests at least 100k. That is more than livable in DC, based on the mathematical fact that the majority of households in DC are making less.

[Anonymous]

Im a PP on here. $64k sounded terrible a month ago.

But yesterday, DH's paycheck for his 70 hour/week job taught me what "negative commission" means. Now, I would gladly take $64k.

I think with men like this, it doesn't get better. It gets worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, your situation would piss anybody off. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

He has accepted a shit deal for his family. He doesn't provide adequate income nor adequate time to the family. Who would willingly sign up for that? It sucks. So everyone who says otherwise can just shut it.

That said, I'd be pissed/sad/exasperated if I got cancer, and it would suck, but there wouldn't be much I could do but face it. That's kind of the boat you are in.

Divorce is not going to help you out. And you can't FORCE him to switch jobs. So you're kind of stuck. I'm really sorry, it sounds terrible.

I haven't read every comment, so forgive me if this was covered, but what is his explanation for not wanting to make a switch? Is he scared he is too old? Lacks confidence in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your situation would piss anybody off. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

He has accepted a shit deal for his family. He doesn't provide adequate income nor adequate time to the family. Who would willingly sign up for that? It sucks. So everyone who says otherwise can just shut it.

That said, I'd be pissed/sad/exasperated if I got cancer, and it would suck, but there wouldn't be much I could do but face it. That's kind of the boat you are in.

Divorce is not going to help you out. And you can't FORCE him to switch jobs. So you're kind of stuck. I'm really sorry, it sounds terrible.

I haven't read every comment, so forgive me if this was covered, but what is his explanation for not wanting to make a switch? Is he scared he is too old? Lacks confidence in general?

Another stupid DCUMmer with no sense of reality. The OP has a HHI of at least 140k, based on the info she's provided. The median HHI in DC is 93k. If they can't make it work by making more money than half of the families in the city, they're doing something wrong. If OP is so unhappy with their salary, why shouldn't she go out and make it rain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your situation would piss anybody off. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

He has accepted a shit deal for his family. He doesn't provide adequate income nor adequate time to the family. Who would willingly sign up for that? It sucks. So everyone who says otherwise can just shut it.

That said, I'd be pissed/sad/exasperated if I got cancer, and it would suck, but there wouldn't be much I could do but face it. That's kind of the boat you are in.

Divorce is not going to help you out. And you can't FORCE him to switch jobs. So you're kind of stuck. I'm really sorry, it sounds terrible.

I haven't read every comment, so forgive me if this was covered, but what is his explanation for not wanting to make a switch? Is he scared he is too old? Lacks confidence in general?

Another stupid DCUMmer with no sense of reality. The OP has a HHI of at least 140k, based on the info she's provided. The median HHI in DC is 93k. If they can't make it work by making more money than half of the families in the city, they're doing something wrong. If OP is so unhappy with their salary, why shouldn't she go out and make it rain?

It's not only about the money. It's about the combination of the money and the hours. That is a shit deal. 60 hours a week and only 64k in 50's? That is crazy town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your situation would piss anybody off. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

He has accepted a shit deal for his family. He doesn't provide adequate income nor adequate time to the family. Who would willingly sign up for that? It sucks. So everyone who says otherwise can just shut it.

That said, I'd be pissed/sad/exasperated if I got cancer, and it would suck, but there wouldn't be much I could do but face it. That's kind of the boat you are in.

Divorce is not going to help you out. And you can't FORCE him to switch jobs. So you're kind of stuck. I'm really sorry, it sounds terrible.

I haven't read every comment, so forgive me if this was covered, but what is his explanation for not wanting to make a switch? Is he scared he is too old? Lacks confidence in general?

Another stupid DCUMmer with no sense of reality. The OP has a HHI of at least 140k, based on the info she's provided. The median HHI in DC is 93k. If they can't make it work by making more money than half of the families in the city, they're doing something wrong. If OP is so unhappy with their salary, why shouldn't she go out and make it rain?

Because despite your apparent feminist fantasy, women and men are not equal in relationships (even if that's a nice ideal). OP does all of the housework and childcare despite making MORE than her husband?! (According to your analysis that they make 140k together). WHO WOULD WANT THAT?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your situation would piss anybody off. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

He has accepted a shit deal for his family. He doesn't provide adequate income nor adequate time to the family. Who would willingly sign up for that? It sucks. So everyone who says otherwise can just shut it.

That said, I'd be pissed/sad/exasperated if I got cancer, and it would suck, but there wouldn't be much I could do but face it. That's kind of the boat you are in.

Divorce is not going to help you out. And you can't FORCE him to switch jobs. So you're kind of stuck. I'm really sorry, it sounds terrible.

I haven't read every comment, so forgive me if this was covered, but what is his explanation for not wanting to make a switch? Is he scared he is too old? Lacks confidence in general?

Another stupid DCUMmer with no sense of reality. The OP has a HHI of at least 140k, based on the info she's provided. The median HHI in DC is 93k. If they can't make it work by making more money than half of the families in the city, they're doing something wrong. If OP is so unhappy with their salary, why shouldn't she go out and make it rain?

Because despite your apparent feminist fantasy, women and men are not equal in relationships (even if that's a nice ideal). OP does all of the housework and childcare despite making MORE than her husband?! (According to your analysis that they make 140k together). WHO WOULD WANT THAT?!

If that's the case, then OP needs to figure out whether she'd rather make less with a SAHD or make more with one who's gone too much. I know which I'd choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your situation would piss anybody off. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

He has accepted a shit deal for his family. He doesn't provide adequate income nor adequate time to the family. Who would willingly sign up for that? It sucks. So everyone who says otherwise can just shut it.

That said, I'd be pissed/sad/exasperated if I got cancer, and it would suck, but there wouldn't be much I could do but face it. That's kind of the boat you are in.

Divorce is not going to help you out. And you can't FORCE him to switch jobs. So you're kind of stuck. I'm really sorry, it sounds terrible.

I haven't read every comment, so forgive me if this was covered, but what is his explanation for not wanting to make a switch? Is he scared he is too old? Lacks confidence in general?

Another stupid DCUMmer with no sense of reality. The OP has a HHI of at least 140k, based on the info she's provided. The median HHI in DC is 93k. If they can't make it work by making more money than half of the families in the city, they're doing something wrong. If OP is so unhappy with their salary, why shouldn't she go out and make it rain?

It's not only about the money. It's about the combination of the money and the hours. That is a shit deal. 60 hours a week and only 64k in 50's? That is crazy town.

Per OP, he used to make twice as much in some years, but has had lots of variability. It doesn't sound like she complained when he was putting in crazy hours but making much more money, which suggests that she's primarily upset about the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? In most of the country, $64k is well above average. Obviously, not in DC.

It's not unreasonable to want more money. I think it's a little unreasonable to insist that your over 50 husband upend his stable career and magically find a "high paying job." It's difficult for people over 50 to get a good job these days. I also think it's unfair to put the entire onus on him to "make more money." He's not salesman working at your car dealership. If you want to make more money, then the first place you should look is in the mirror.

Op said he's been at the same job for 20 years. 64k after 20 years is so wrong I don't even know where to begin. He's selling himself short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your situation would piss anybody off. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

He has accepted a shit deal for his family. He doesn't provide adequate income nor adequate time to the family. Who would willingly sign up for that? It sucks. So everyone who says otherwise can just shut it.

That said, I'd be pissed/sad/exasperated if I got cancer, and it would suck, but there wouldn't be much I could do but face it. That's kind of the boat you are in.

Divorce is not going to help you out. And you can't FORCE him to switch jobs. So you're kind of stuck. I'm really sorry, it sounds terrible.

I haven't read every comment, so forgive me if this was covered, but what is his explanation for not wanting to make a switch? Is he scared he is too old? Lacks confidence in general?

Another stupid DCUMmer with no sense of reality. The OP has a HHI of at least 140k, based on the info she's provided. The median HHI in DC is 93k. If they can't make it work by making more money than half of the families in the city, they're doing something wrong. If OP is so unhappy with their salary, why shouldn't she go out and make it rain?

It's not only about the money. It's about the combination of the money and the hours. That is a shit deal. 60 hours a week and only 64k in 50's? That is crazy town.

Per OP, he used to make twice as much in some years, but has had lots of variability. It doesn't sound like she complained when he was putting in crazy hours but making much more money, which suggests that she's primarily upset about the money.

Right. She is upset that he is gone a long time AND makes crap money when she knows eh could be gone a long time and make good money. It is ok to want your husband to reach some reasonable approximation of his potential and not just take the path of least resistance. Ultimately she can't do anything about this situation and has to accept it, but to act like she has no reason to be upset is to deny human nature.