Husband refuses to leave low paying, dead end job

[Anonymous]

Op - is he a fireman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

DH here, I would love trade places with my DW and do all the "cooking, cleaning, etc." It's not so hard, esp. if you manage expectations. Frankly, I'm tired of the stress of being the sole breadwinner and DW "bitching" about not enough money. Oh, an I am tired of hearing, when we visit a friend, relative or child's friend's parents' house, "why don't we have a bigger house, nicer car, etc.?|" You know why? Because I don't take stock in material things and I am NOT, NOT going work myself into an early grave to get them. You want more, get out and work more! Otherwise, be grateful for what you have. Avarice and envy are two of the seven deadly sins!

Nice, you managed to work in a misogynistic slur along with your whining.

I hope she stops doing any housework at all and you end up having to scrub your dishes yourself, you lazy pathetic excuse for a human.

You're funny, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

DH here, I would love trade places with my DW and do all the "cooking, cleaning, etc." It's not so hard, esp. if you manage expectations. Frankly, I'm tired of the stress of being the sole breadwinner and DW "bitching" about not enough money. Oh, an I am tired of hearing, when we visit a friend, relative or child's friend's parents' house, "why don't we have a bigger house, nicer car, etc.?|" You know why? Because I don't take stock in material things and I am NOT, NOT going work myself into an early grave to get them. You want more, get out and work more! Otherwise, be grateful for what you have. Avarice and envy are two of the seven deadly sins!

Nice, you managed to work in a misogynistic slur along with your whining.

I hope she stops doing any housework at all and you end up having to scrub your dishes yourself, you lazy pathetic excuse for a human.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, we're in a similar boat except my DH does not have a college degree and is a blue collar worker. I never thought of him that way, but he is. I am the breadwinner by far, but I have a very flexible schedule and easy commute. DH isn't even making what your DH is making and he has made the exact same salary for nearly 15 years. He is not valued by his organization or his boss. But his boss leans heavily on him when things don't go right or he needs someone to fix a situation. He leaves for work every day about 4:30 and sometimes doesn't come home until 4 or so. He's a wonderful father and husband and amazing man. He cooks, he helps with cleaning, he fixes things around the house, he picks up DC from school. He is limited in what he can do because he has no degree. He is mid 50s. Before he worked there, he owned restaurants and did quite well, but that is hard, backbreaking work and though I sometimes encourage him to do that again (for the freedom it would give him and possible more money), I'm not sure it's what would be best for our family.
So, I don't have any answers really, OP. Just know you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - is he a fireman?

Why would you think that when she mentioned his accounts were taken away?

[Anonymous]

Face the reality, OP. No one really wants to hire someone in their 50s, and he's not going to make more money. He is exactly like so many of us in our 50s, stuck in a work situation where we're carrying a workload that several people used to do, and without having had a raise in a decade or more. That's life now in our corporate oligarchy. The best he could do, and even that is tricky, is to move to a similar job where he makes the same but has less workload.

You don't have to accept him not carrying his share of household tasks. Focus on dealing with that issue. And if you can make more money and feel you and your kids can handle the stresses and sacrifices, go for it. Are you better off as a single parent on just your income? No. And how would your husband manage without you? Things to think about as you work with your husband to balance your life's burdens.

[Anonymous]

Op, In a couple yeats your kids should be more independent and you can ramp up your own income.

[Anonymous]

I make $140k and DW complain I'm in a dead end job and need to change FOR her! Keeps sending me job announcements that don't match my background or skill set or that do not match what I have now in terms of retirement, salary and benefits!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make $140k and DW complain I'm in a dead end job and need to change FOR her! Keeps sending me job announcements that don't match my background or skill set or that do not match what I have now in terms of retirement, salary and benefits!

Maybe you could earn more if you didn't speak broken english.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being stuck in a dead end job at age 50+ is a real problem. What are the economic benefits of him staying (pension, insurance etc.) versus moving on? He has a ten year horizon to consider.

I think men tend to take higher-risk/higher-reward jobs while women tend to take safer/stable jobs. The problem is that as you get older, it's difficult to compete with guys half your age that run circles around you when it comes to technology and being hip to the latest trends. Unless you are exceptionally talented, or are able to move high enough up the corporate ladder that you are insulated from having to directly compete with the younger crowd, it's impossible to keep up forever. As a result, there is an epidemic of over-50 males that are either chronically unemployed, or underemployed and are typically depressed, on opiates and somewhat bitter/defensive about it.

The safe, stable careers that women tend to keep are often better in the long run. I have an older relative who has been working at a public library, literally scanning books and writing overdue book nastygrams for decades. She never made much money, but she's in a union, gets a nice pension and benefits, while her ex -- who made good money when he was young -- is now basically a burned out semi-retired blue collar worker that has basically no hope for getting a decent job again.

[Anonymous]

Nothing is worse than a bad job. If he's happy stop harassing him . An unhappy job is worse than an unhappy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make $140k and DW complain I'm in a dead end job and need to change FOR her! Keeps sending me job announcements that don't match my background or skill set or that do not match what I have now in terms of retirement, salary and benefits!

Maybe you could earn more if you didn't speak broken english.

Gee, thanks, and maybe people would like if you weren't such a shrew!

[Anonymous]

Actually, here is a good question for the OP. When you married you promised to honor and hold your husband "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death." Right now, you both earn upwards of $100K, if you are earning near or equal to your DH. This is at least twice the national median income. That being said, your DH is now working. What would you do if, God forbid, he lost his job or became disabled or could not work b/c of sickness. Count your blessings and stop pressuring him.

[Anonymous]

The main issue isn't really the salary- it's the long hours and how it impacts their family life. The dh makes $64k and works 60 hours a week?! This doesn't even count the time he has to spend commuting to work. Making $64k at a strictly 9-5 job with a short commute is reasonable- this situation is not.

It's understandably difficult to find a new job in your fifties but he should, at least, try to find a position with better hours. Regardless, he shouldn't be saddling OP, who also works full-time, with all the childcare and household management responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

PP, I would say that your 12 and 14 year old don't have to be driven to activities. They can be restricted to activities that are family schedule friendly (on weekends or at the school and they can walk home, or they can take public transit to get there. As much as it sucked, I just couldn't participate in activities when I was a kid because both my parents worked and had long commutes. I fully recognize that my way of giving my kids what I didn't have revolves around activities. I have had to compromise wth DH what activities they are involved in and get his support with drop off and pickups etc for the activity or frankly the answer is no. And there are certain things my kids are not involved in because it would be too big of a commitment.

Either your husband values the activities your kids are in and wants them to do all these things, in which case he should be willing to help make it happen, or YOU want them to do it and are willing to do all the work to make it happen. Agree first on what you value and if you find a disconnect, hear each other out and come up with joint solutions for a compromise. While I wouldn't tell DH to get a new job that makes more money, there would not be a scenario in which I'm getting a new job with no flexibility making more money AND doing all the things I did prior due to the flexibility of my old job.

NP. Pp, you are an arse. A huge asswipe. What you know about the need to transport op's kids could fill half a thimble. Stop being such a "what's good for me/my kid is good enough for you/your kid". If my kid is not your kid, how the hell would you know what my kids needs are? You cannot perceive that anyone's needs could vary from your own.