Husband refuses to leave low paying, dead end job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

I'm a guy and I do probably 90% of the household chores and pretty much every household duty. I also work and do the majority of the cooking. DCUM makes me wonder why so many seem to struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

And men are under much more social pressure to make good money and attain "status." Nice to have the social flexibility to be allowed to be a stay at home parent, or work part time without being punished for it, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

And men are under much more social pressure to make good money and attain "status." Nice to have the social flexibility to be allowed to be a stay at home parent, or work part time without being punished for it, huh?

Not really, considering either way you will be expected to do all the housework and childcare, which is a full time job in it of itself. And now, if you are dissatisfied with the fact that you are in that position, it's because your are a greedy golddiger, right?

LOL. You guys have really perfected this thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be your DH. I want you to know that I have been staying up late, applying for jobs that pay more, only to be faced with rejection after rejection. I went on an interview last month and when they gave me a salary range, it was only 10k more than my current pay. I want you to know that I am trying. I wish you could understand that it is not easy to step into a higher paying job. Salaries are all over the spectrum here. I wish I was able to command more for my skill set, but the competition is fierce right now. I want you to know that the salaries people post on Glassdoor and LinkedIn and whatever career-oriented websites that exist are not always accurate. I am trying.

Trying is very important in OP's fanily situation. That is great you are trying PP.

If your system of trying isn't working, maybe you need a new approach. Are you set up nice on LinkedIn? You can find recruiters in there to help you. Or maybe you can take a step back to take a step forward in pay? New industry? I would try something different in your search. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

And men are under much more social pressure to make good money and attain "status." Nice to have the social flexibility to be allowed to be a stay at home parent, or work part time without being punished for it, huh?

Not really, considering either way you will be expected to do all the housework and childcare, which is a full time job in it of itself. And now, if you are dissatisfied with the fact that you are in that position, it's because your are a greedy golddiger, right?

LOL. You guys have really perfected this thing.

OP is not being a golddigger. She just doesn't respect her husband because he doesn't make a lot of money. Oh wait ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

Do you really feel like you're pulling more weight than someone who's working 60 hours a week, and sometimes on weekends? You must be driving your kids to an awful lot of activities.

I know you feel resentful, but most 12 and 14 year olds are easy. It's very common for women to go back into the workforce once their youngest is in Kindergarten. If you had done this, you would be 6-7 years into your new career and probably making decent money -- at least enough to put something away. You would also have a more realistic idea of what it's like to be in your husband's position. I know you feel like you're working hard, but I doubt you've been working harder than your husband for the last 6 years.

Sorry, OP. But you are exhibiting the stereotypical, ungrateful, out of touch SAHM attitude. The next step is to get a divorce, and force your husband into a lifetime in indenture to pay your alimony because "you deserve it!"

OP has a job, dingbat. Try reading slowly next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

And men are under much more social pressure to make good money and attain "status." Nice to have the social flexibility to be allowed to be a stay at home parent, or work part time without being punished for it, huh?

Not really, considering either way you will be expected to do all the housework and childcare, which is a full time job in it of itself. And now, if you are dissatisfied with the fact that you are in that position, it's because your are a greedy golddiger, right?

LOL. You guys have really perfected this thing.

OP is not being a golddigger. She just doesn't respect her husband because he doesn't make a lot of money. Oh wait ...

She does not respect her husband because he has no issue with saddling her with 100% of the household work. And simply because he does not want to switch jobs.

Frankly, i don't respect him either.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the one who handles the finances in the family? If so, the dynamic you have with your DH may be more parent-child, with you telling him what has to happen, and that may be turning him off. Sit down with him and together go over all of your finances. Not just the currents bills and income but net worth and retirement projections. Ask him for his input. What does he envision for retirement? Maybe if he sees all the numbers on paper, it will give him a reality check.

Or make an appointment for the two of you to see a fee only financial planner. Your DH may respond better if it comes from someone else. The financial planner might also figure out a way to make your existing finances work better and maybe that will give you the hope for the future that you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the one who handles the finances in the family? If so, the dynamic you have with your DH may be more parent-child, with you telling him what has to happen, and that may be turning him off. Sit down with him and together go over all of your finances. Not just the currents bills and income but net worth and retirement projections. Ask him for his input. What does he envision for retirement? Maybe if he sees all the numbers on paper, it will give him a reality check.

Or make an appointment for the two of you to see a fee only financial planner. Your DH may respond better if it comes from someone else. The financial planner might also figure out a way to make your existing finances work better and maybe that will give you the hope for the future that you need.

So... he saddles her with all the work... and does nothing... and then he gets to blame her because it's a "turn off" when she does all the work for him?


LOL!!! Gotta love it. Must be nice!

[Anonymous]

For the sake of your kids, stick with your current work schedule. Being a mom able to keep an eye on growing kids is worth it's weight in gold. Most teenagers getting into trouble are from empty homes with little parent involvement. In the long run, your family will be better for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the one who handles the finances in the family? If so, the dynamic you have with your DH may be more parent-child, with you telling him what has to happen, and that may be turning him off. Sit down with him and together go over all of your finances. Not just the currents bills and income but net worth and retirement projections. Ask him for his input. What does he envision for retirement? Maybe if he sees all the numbers on paper, it will give him a reality check.

Or make an appointment for the two of you to see a fee only financial planner. Your DH may respond better if it comes from someone else. The financial planner might also figure out a way to make your existing finances work better and maybe that will give you the hope for the future that you need.

So... he saddles her with all the work... and does nothing... and then he gets to blame her because it's a "turn off" when she does all the work for him?


LOL!!! Gotta love it. Must be nice!

We really don't know OP or her husband. She may have some controlling tendencies that contributed to their dynamic. Regardless, she's the one asking for help here, and that's my advice to her. They can go see a marriage counselor to work out all their other issues if they want their marriage to work. I'm not going to judge either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the one who handles the finances in the family? If so, the dynamic you have with your DH may be more parent-child, with you telling him what has to happen, and that may be turning him off. Sit down with him and together go over all of your finances. Not just the currents bills and income but net worth and retirement projections. Ask him for his input. What does he envision for retirement? Maybe if he sees all the numbers on paper, it will give him a reality check.

Or make an appointment for the two of you to see a fee only financial planner. Your DH may respond better if it comes from someone else. The financial planner might also figure out a way to make your existing finances work better and maybe that will give you the hope for the future that you need.

So... he saddles her with all the work... and does nothing... and then he gets to blame her because it's a "turn off" when she does all the work for him?


LOL!!! Gotta love it. Must be nice!

We really don't know OP or her husband. She may have some controlling tendencies that contributed to their dynamic. Regardless, she's the one asking for help here, and that's my advice to her. They can go see a marriage counselor to work out all their other issues if they want their marriage to work. I'm not going to judge either of them.

Perhaps. Given the statistics on household divisions of labor though, I doubt that's the case. It's much more likely that, since, "mother takes care of the kids and the house" is an assumed role that women will take, her DH has expected that of her, and perhaps she is playing along with it too.

It's so funny to me though. The woman does all the work, and at the end of the day.. it's her fault, because she is a nasty controlling harpy! And the father/husband who does nothing? Poor, put-upon victim who was infantilized by his castrating wife! Just a pattern I have seen on DCUm (and elsewhere)

[Anonymous]

OP you have not answered (or I didn't see it) whether he's got a good pension or other benefits. I'd take that in huge consideration before he gets another job. My dad was low paid like that forever but retired at 50. My mom is still living off that pension now at 78. It is a critical asset if he's got it.

If not, how does your retirement planning look? It's harder to get a new job in your 50s because of age discrimination. So that would make me a little cautious about switching.

Has he done anything recently to advance his skill set? Is there something like that he can do to get a promotion? Would his job take him more seriously if he did get higher skills?

What about your job? Same questions about skill sets,additional training/etc. There might be opportunity for you to advance at your job too.

I might sugges smaller steps like that, getting more education/training. It could also boost his confidence to look elsewhere.