Husband refuses to leave low paying, dead end job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

Do you really feel like you're pulling more weight than someone who's working 60 hours a week, and sometimes on weekends? You must be driving your kids to an awful lot of activities.

I know you feel resentful, but most 12 and 14 year olds are easy. It's very common for women to go back into the workforce once their youngest is in Kindergarten. If you had done this, you would be 6-7 years into your new career and probably making decent money -- at least enough to put something away. You would also have a more realistic idea of what it's like to be in your husband's position. I know you feel like you're working hard, but I doubt you've been working harder than your husband for the last 6 years.

Sorry, OP. But you are exhibiting the stereotypical, ungrateful, out of touch SAHM attitude. The next step is to get a divorce, and force your husband into a lifetime in indenture to pay your alimony because "you deserve it!"

Fail. She has a job and never said she was ever a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

Do you really feel like you're pulling more weight than someone who's working 60 hours a week, and sometimes on weekends? You must be driving your kids to an awful lot of activities.

I know you feel resentful, but most 12 and 14 year olds are easy. It's very common for women to go back into the workforce once their youngest is in Kindergarten. If you had done this, you would be 6-7 years into your new career and probably making decent money -- at least enough to put something away. You would also have a more realistic idea of what it's like to be in your husband's position. I know you feel like you're working hard, but I doubt you've been working harder than your husband for the last 6 years.

Sorry, OP. But you are exhibiting the stereotypical, ungrateful, out of touch SAHM attitude. The next step is to get a divorce, and force your husband into a lifetime in indenture to pay your alimony because "you deserve it!"

Fail. She has a job and never said she was ever a SAHM.

+1

The knee jerk misogyny on this board is so sad and dreadful. And it's boring too.

It's unfortunate when someone is looking for genuine advice and they get this garbage

[Anonymous]

Do you respect what he does at this job?
Does this job help humanity?
Does your husband have limitations he cannot control, and is this position the only one he could realistically hold?

I ask these questions because my husband, given his qualifications, could be earning 3 times what he's making now, but I came to understand that his type of job was the best fit for him. Plus it's in public cancer research, and who am I to take that away, even if I could? He, too, can be unsupportive, plus he has hoarding tendencies, so I do everything in the house otherwise it would be a disaster.

You feel resentful and that is an emotion you both have to address, perhaps with an expert therapist, because these things can become really complicated. You say it's his job, but perhaps you're really feeling resentful that your lives have not turned out the way you dreamed, including your career and your life, which has little to do with his. Perhaps it's something else in your husband that annoys you. My advice is to invest in couples' therapy, and do a little introspection to sort out your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do you respect what he does at this job?
Does this job help humanity?
Does your husband have limitations he cannot control, and is this position the only one he could realistically hold?

I ask these questions because my husband, given his qualifications, could be earning 3 times what he's making now, but I came to understand that his type of job was the best fit for him. Plus it's in public cancer research, and who am I to take that away, even if I could? He, too, can be unsupportive, plus he has hoarding tendencies, so I do everything in the house otherwise it would be a disaster.

You feel resentful and that is an emotion you both have to address, perhaps with an expert therapist, because these things can become really complicated. You say it's his job, but perhaps you're really feeling resentful that your lives have not turned out the way you dreamed, including your career and your life, which has little to do with his. Perhaps it's something else in your husband that annoys you. My advice is to invest in couples' therapy, and do a little introspection to sort out your feelings.

+1. OP says she is disappointed in her spouse, but it really sounds like she is disappointed in herself and her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do you respect what he does at this job?
Does this job help humanity?
Does your husband have limitations he cannot control, and is this position the only one he could realistically hold?

I ask these questions because my husband, given his qualifications, could be earning 3 times what he's making now, but I came to understand that his type of job was the best fit for him. Plus it's in public cancer research, and who am I to take that away, even if I could? He, too, can be unsupportive, plus he has hoarding tendencies, so I do everything in the house otherwise it would be a disaster.

You feel resentful and that is an emotion you both have to address, perhaps with an expert therapist, because these things can become really complicated. You say it's his job, but perhaps you're really feeling resentful that your lives have not turned out the way you dreamed, including your career and your life, which has little to do with his. Perhaps it's something else in your husband that annoys you. My advice is to invest in couples' therapy, and do a little introspection to sort out your feelings.

I wrote the above. I'm coming back to add that I don't mean to be dismissive of your feelings. My husband and I are couples therapy right now, because I couldn't take my husband's many faults anymore (not his job, though). The bottom line is that I don't want to break up our family, I still love him, and despite the fact that on paper he has a lot more "demerits" than I have, we have to meet each other halfway, otherwise we're going to be miserable and suffer. It's too bad for me that the halfway point is nowhere near where I want it to be, but that would basically mean rewiring my husband into a new person This is the life I have, and I can only change what I am in control of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you respect what he does at this job?
Does this job help humanity?
Does your husband have limitations he cannot control, and is this position the only one he could realistically hold?

I ask these questions because my husband, given his qualifications, could be earning 3 times what he's making now, but I came to understand that his type of job was the best fit for him. Plus it's in public cancer research, and who am I to take that away, even if I could? He, too, can be unsupportive, plus he has hoarding tendencies, so I do everything in the house otherwise it would be a disaster.

You feel resentful and that is an emotion you both have to address, perhaps with an expert therapist, because these things can become really complicated. You say it's his job, but perhaps you're really feeling resentful that your lives have not turned out the way you dreamed, including your career and your life, which has little to do with his. Perhaps it's something else in your husband that annoys you. My advice is to invest in couples' therapy, and do a little introspection to sort out your feelings.

I wrote the above. I'm coming back to add that I don't mean to be dismissive of your feelings. My husband and I are couples therapy right now, because I couldn't take my husband's many faults anymore (not his job, though). The bottom line is that I don't want to break up our family, I still love him, and despite the fact that on paper he has a lot more "demerits" than I have, we have to meet each other halfway, otherwise we're going to be miserable and suffer. It's too bad for me that the halfway point is nowhere near where I want it to be, but that would basically mean rewiring my husband into a new person This is the life I have, and I can only change what I am in control of.

Now you come crawling back now that you've been thoroughly dismissed. Go away already.

[Anonymous]

Op again, I am not an ungrateful person, nor am I particularly into money or material things. I would simply like to retire someday and maybe take a vacation with my family. My DH does not have a job that is good for humanity, and although I did not say earlier, one of my major problems with it is that I feel his employers have not respected my DH, valued his loyality or rewarded his success in any way. In fact, I sense they wouldn't mind trading him in for a younger and less costly version of himself. They have taken away accounts from him that he has had for years. DH lacks the confidence, that is what I believe.

[Anonymous]

What does he do? Does he have a degree? I made $60k out of school with a bachelors degree. Ask him what he likes about his job and what's keeping him there. At least look for w new one close to home so he can spend more time with you and the kids. They will be out of your house soon.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he can't get a better job, OP. After 20 years it may be unrealistic for you to expect him to change. He must know you are disappointed in him and that adds to his low self esteem. You can research and apply for jobs for him... My mom did that for my dad when he was in his 50's and he got the best job he'd ever had...

[Anonymous]

It's crazy he is making so little. I would be extremely fed up. If he refuses to switch jobs he needs to learn to contribute equitably (at least) to household chores. You are not a slave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

[Anonymous]

I could be your DH. I want you to know that I have been staying up late, applying for jobs that pay more, only to be faced with rejection after rejection. I went on an interview last month and when they gave me a salary range, it was only 10k more than my current pay. I want you to know that I am trying. I wish you could understand that it is not easy to step into a higher paying job. Salaries are all over the spectrum here. I wish I was able to command more for my skill set, but the competition is fierce right now. I want you to know that the salaries people post on Glassdoor and LinkedIn and whatever career-oriented websites that exist are not always accurate. I am trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be your DH. I want you to know that I have been staying up late, applying for jobs that pay more, only to be faced with rejection after rejection. I went on an interview last month and when they gave me a salary range, it was only 10k more than my current pay. I want you to know that I am trying. I wish you could understand that it is not easy to step into a higher paying job. Salaries are all over the spectrum here. I wish I was able to command more for my skill set, but the competition is fierce right now. I want you to know that the salaries people post on Glassdoor and LinkedIn and whatever career-oriented websites that exist are not always accurate. I am trying.

Can you do the dishes tomorrow night? And get home earlier so you can cook? And put in equal work with the kids? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be your DH. I want you to know that I have been staying up late, applying for jobs that pay more, only to be faced with rejection after rejection. I went on an interview last month and when they gave me a salary range, it was only 10k more than my current pay. I want you to know that I am trying. I wish you could understand that it is not easy to step into a higher paying job. Salaries are all over the spectrum here. I wish I was able to command more for my skill set, but the competition is fierce right now. I want you to know that the salaries people post on Glassdoor and LinkedIn and whatever career-oriented websites that exist are not always accurate. I am trying.

Instead of whining, you could try helping your DW with the household work and childcare. And you could try appreciating her for the fact that she works TWO jobs so you have the luxury of sticking with this one.