Husband refuses to leave low paying, dead end job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

Do you really feel like you're pulling more weight than someone who's working 60 hours a week, and sometimes on weekends? You must be driving your kids to an awful lot of activities.

I know you feel resentful, but most 12 and 14 year olds are easy. It's very common for women to go back into the workforce once their youngest is in Kindergarten. If you had done this, you would be 6-7 years into your new career and probably making decent money -- at least enough to put something away. You would also have a more realistic idea of what it's like to be in your husband's position. I know you feel like you're working hard, but I doubt you've been working harder than your husband for the last 6 years.

Sorry, OP. But you are exhibiting the stereotypical, ungrateful, out of touch SAHM attitude. The next step is to get a divorce, and force your husband into a lifetime in indenture to pay your alimony because "you deserve it!"

She is not a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

And men are under much more social pressure to make good money and attain "status." Nice to have the social flexibility to be allowed to be a stay at home parent, or work part time without being punished for it, huh?

If you think women can stay at home and not be "punished" for it, you haven't been paying attention.

[Anonymous]

Op here. DHs benefits are fair, not bad, not great. No telecommuting allowed so he has run his car into the ground driving to and from work. I am not a nagging or controlling bitch. I point out to him occasionally that we are living off savings. I am a social worker, not a high paying job, either but my income is going up while his has dropped in half from its highest point in 2007.

[Anonymous]

Op I am a single mom, doing all that you do, and would be thrilled, THRILLED, to have another adult contributing $64k a year to the household. Do a better budget, there's no reason you can't live well on his salary plus yours.

[Anonymous]

If you think life is bad now, imagine how bad it'd be when he is either out of the house, working more, or even more sullen.

The key is getting him to decide a job hunt is *his* idea.

[Anonymous]

Being stuck in a dead end job at age 50+ is a real problem. What are the economic benefits of him staying (pension, insurance etc.) versus moving on? He has a ten year horizon to consider.

[Anonymous]

He is making about $25 per hour with those hours. Strictly money wise there must be better options locally, without the costly commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DHs benefits are fair, not bad, not great. No telecommuting allowed so he has run his car into the ground driving to and from work. I am not a nagging or controlling bitch. I point out to him occasionally that we are living off savings. I am a social worker, not a high paying job, either but my income is going up while his has dropped in half from its highest point in 2007.

That last sentence is a pretty critical piece don't you think? It sounds like he's in sales so maybe he thinks his income will come back or that he will be assigned or land new accounts? It also sounds like his income wasn't always this low ($128K in '07, perhaps higher in other years) so you guys should have some decent retirement savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and our kids are 12 and 14 and yes they do need to be driven to activities if they are at all serious about a sport; I just think that ship has sailed and I can't get them interested in a local basketweaving class now. So I'm sympathetic with OP.

Hey OP, can you and kids move closer to where he works so he is not gone 2 hours a day?

Can he work from home 1 day a week? Or, can he leave for work super-early and get home early, one day a week? etc?

One thing to do, if he can work from home one or two days a week is to make sure he's rewarded for staying home, not just given a full day's worth of chores, or he won't stay home. (I know from experience; i set up an office for him at home, but mistakenly gave him a pile of To-Dos too soon, so he doesn't stay home--but when he's home, uses it as a man-cave. ughhh!) LOL

The reality is he should either be paid more or have more flexibility. In the DC job market, at $64K for a full time job, he should definitely be working less than 60 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and our kids are 12 and 14 and yes they do need to be driven to activities if they are at all serious about a sport; I just think that ship has sailed and I can't get them interested in a local basketweaving class now. So I'm sympathetic with OP.

Hey OP, can you and kids move closer to where he works so he is not gone 2 hours a day?

Can he work from home 1 day a week? Or, can he leave for work super-early and get home early, one day a week? etc?

One thing to do, if he can work from home one or two days a week is to make sure he's rewarded for staying home, not just given a full day's worth of chores, or he won't stay home. (I know from experience; i set up an office for him at home, but mistakenly gave him a pile of To-Dos too soon, so he doesn't stay home--but when he's home, uses it as a man-cave. ughhh!) LOL

The reality is he should either be paid more or have more flexibility. In the DC job market, at $64K for a full time job, he should definitely be working less than 60 hours a week.

Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am a single mom, doing all that you do, and would be thrilled, THRILLED, to have another adult contributing $64k a year to the household. Do a better budget, there's no reason you can't live well on his salary plus yours.

Hey, lady, there's women in India living on $1 a day, and they would be thrilled, THRILLED to have your budget!!! BE GRATEFUL!


Do you see how irrelevant a comment like that is now?

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible that he is depressed and afraid of (more) failure? He's had his salary drop, and accounts taken away, and he knows he is badly paid for his field. I'm guessing he lacks the confidence to applly for new jobs and get himself out there. Maybe he needs a career coach. Do you think--honestly--that he could get a better paid job? or one close by? Seems to me that it is reasonble to go for either better paid job, or one closer to home with fewer hours, allowing you to work more and earn more. You might have to start considering yourself the bread winner and then make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

DH here, I would love trade places with my DW and do all the "cooking, cleaning, etc." It's not so hard, esp. if you manage expectations. Frankly, I'm tired of the stress of being the sole breadwinner and DW "bitching" about not enough money. Oh, an I am tired of hearing, when we visit a friend, relative or child's friend's parents' house, "why don't we have a bigger house, nicer car, etc.?|" You know why? Because I don't take stock in material things and I am NOT, NOT going work myself into an early grave to get them. You want more, get out and work more! Otherwise, be grateful for what you have. Avarice and envy are two of the seven deadly sins!

[Anonymous]

Op, I think you are being unreasonable because I don't think at his age, with the time he was put into his career, him knowing his career, I don't think he will change without this being HIS idea. So yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

I am you, and you are me. But 10 years ago. We are 40, DH has refused to leave his job pays similar, been there 7 years, 60-75 hour weeks, I do everything. I feel your pain it's no life. Just brokeness and rushing around being a single married mom.

You are not unreasonable. He needs a new job. Clearly, he won't initiate on his own. I just did DH's resume, got logged into his Linkedin. I am getting the ball rolling. I think some men are bad with dealing with errands and loose ends outside of their job.

No, men are enabled to act like babies by society that guilts women into doing care taking work for them. Just like this and this thread

Most of the women here are "guilting" men for not making enough money. Don't turn it around like some man posted here complaining about not being taken care of by his wife.

No, men don't need to make posts like that, because women do the majority of household chores and are forced to take care of almost all household duties. Nice situation if you can get it, huh?

DH here, I would love trade places with my DW and do all the "cooking, cleaning, etc." It's not so hard, esp. if you manage expectations. Frankly, I'm tired of the stress of being the sole breadwinner and DW "bitching" about not enough money. Oh, an I am tired of hearing, when we visit a friend, relative or child's friend's parents' house, "why don't we have a bigger house, nicer car, etc.?|" You know why? Because I don't take stock in material things and I am NOT, NOT going work myself into an early grave to get them. You want more, get out and work more! Otherwise, be grateful for what you have. Avarice and envy are two of the seven deadly sins!

Nice, you managed to work in a misogynistic slur along with your whining.

I hope she stops doing any housework at all and you end up having to scrub your dishes yourself, you lazy pathetic excuse for a human.