Getting married in a month and I can't decide if I want to take his last name

[Anonymous]

Hyphen is stupid especially for the children

[Anonymous]

I kept my name. No regrets. My husband thought it was really weird that women changed their names in the first place, so it was not an issue. For me, it was like-- this is my name. It has been my name for 30 years. Why would I change it? I would have changed it if we both took a new last name, but I didn't see why I would change my name when he didn't.

Sometimes I think about having the same last name as my kids, but, meh. It wouldn't make me feel any closer to them than I already do. I don't care if I get called by their last name by people at school. My kids aren't remotely confused, and it's never been a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

Because I wanted to give my kids an actual middle name (we used family names for all of the kids) instead of my long and very Italian maiden name. No one uses their middle name anyway- so it's not like your name is getting much recognition, especially if it's really a middle, not hyphenated.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't care either way, have you discussed him changing his last name to yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

Because I wanted to give my kids an actual middle name (we used family names for all of the kids) instead of my long and very Italian maiden name. No one uses their middle name anyway- so it's not like your name is getting much recognition, especially if it's really a middle, not hyphenated.

What blows my mind is when women refuse to change their name but then give their children their husband's surname. There isn't anything more sexist than that.

Fwiw I wanted us all to have the same name. It didn't matter whose name it was or if we made up a name. Just the same last name. We are a family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

The problem is that a name eventually has to be dropped. If your daughter does what you did then she'll be dropping your name. It's not like someone can have four middle names. You have two people getting married with two different last names. The easy solution is to have the same last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

Because I wanted to give my kids an actual middle name (we used family names for all of the kids) instead of my long and very Italian maiden name. No one uses their middle name anyway- so it's not like your name is getting much recognition, especially if it's really a middle, not hyphenated.

What blows my mind is when women refuse to change their name but then give their children their husband's surname. There isn't anything more sexist than that.

Fwiw I wanted us all to have the same name. It didn't matter whose name it was or if we made up a name. Just the same last name. We are a family

I couldn't agree more. I can't imagine carrying children and giving them someone else's name. No.way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

The problem is that a name eventually has to be dropped. If your daughter does what you did then she'll be dropping your name. It's not like someone can have four middle names. You have two people getting married with two different last names. The easy solution is to have the same last name.

That's fine. That's actually the way it works in Spain. The second last name is dropped in the next generation. Easy-peasy. I don't think the "easy solution" is to have the same name. Giant hassle to change your name, have people not be able to find you, etc. I've lost track of old friends that way, esp friends from high school and college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kept mine. Never had a desire to change it. I don't judge anyone for doing it, but it's certainly not for me. Why should I change the name I've always had? The thought of it bugged me.

My husband was NOT happy. He's very traditional. I didn't budge. I never made a big deal of it, just said I wasn't going to do it. I asked him if we had a daughter, what would he think about if she wanted to keep her (his?) last name and then all of a sudden, he got it.

We have four children. Ranging in age from upper teens to under 10. It's never, not even once, been an issue. It's very common.

Oh, and I've been a SAHM for many, many years, so work (or lack thereof) didn't really factor in.

Is your husband upset he has his father's name? You should suggest he adopts his mother's maiden name. After all isn't this what you'd want for your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kept mine and our kids now have a hyphenated last name. What I don't understand are women who keep theirs and then give the children his. So tradition is okay for the kids (and all that that symbolism implies about second-class status of women) but not for the wife. That feels antiquated, too. I mean, you do all the work and then they get his name? Why? I don't get it. I know hyphenating can be cumbersome, but isn't it weird for everyone in the family to have the same name BUT you?

Not really. I kept my last name, and my daughter has my husband's last name. I chose her first name and her middle name, which is not my last name, but which is consistent with the tradition of how girls in my family are named. We talked about it, and it was more important to him that she have his last name, and I didn't really care, while I did care more about her given names. I don't need to have the same last name as her to feel connected and close. She grew in me for nine months, I sang to her and knew her before anyone else--hell, her cells are floating around in my body. And I got to pick the name that I call her by every day. And it's not really strange to have a different last name. We're the Mylastname-Hislastname Family on holiday cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

The problem is that a name eventually has to be dropped. If your daughter does what you did then she'll be dropping your name. It's not like someone can have four middle names. You have two people getting married with two different last names. The easy solution is to have the same last name.

That's fine. That's actually the way it works in Spain. The second last name is dropped in the next generation. Easy-peasy. I don't think the "easy solution" is to have the same name. Giant hassle to change your name, have people not be able to find you, etc. I've lost track of old friends that way, esp friends from high school and college.

It's really not a giant hassle. You'll probably face more of a hassle in life having a different name from your spouse.

In terms of losing track of people I'm not sure how. My old email address forwards to my new one. I simply changed my last name on Facebook and kept the same friends. Same with LinkedIn. While your name may be special to you, to others it isn't that big of a deal. I think you're overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept mine and our kids now have a hyphenated last name. What I don't understand are women who keep theirs and then give the children his. So tradition is okay for the kids (and all that that symbolism implies about second-class status of women) but not for the wife. That feels antiquated, too. I mean, you do all the work and then they get his name? Why? I don't get it. I know hyphenating can be cumbersome, but isn't it weird for everyone in the family to have the same name BUT you?

Not really. I kept my last name, and my daughter has my husband's last name. I chose her first name and her middle name, which is not my last name, but which is consistent with the tradition of how girls in my family are named. We talked about it, and it was more important to him that she have his last name, and I didn't really care, while I did care more about her given names. I don't need to have the same last name as her to feel connected and close. She grew in me for nine months, I sang to her and knew her before anyone else--hell, her cells are floating around in my body. And I got to pick the name that I call her by every day. And it's not really strange to have a different last name. We're the Mylastname-Hislastname Family on holiday cards.

This is so interesting to me. It says to me that your husband views her more as family than he does of you. You were just someone to have kids for him.

Of course no one needs the same last name to feel connected. But it is the sign of a traditional family. A woman with a different last name makes me think that something is off. She could move in with him and have children with this man but he's not enough for her to change her name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept mine and our kids now have a hyphenated last name. What I don't understand are women who keep theirs and then give the children his. So tradition is okay for the kids (and all that that symbolism implies about second-class status of women) but not for the wife. That feels antiquated, too. I mean, you do all the work and then they get his name? Why? I don't get it. I know hyphenating can be cumbersome, but isn't it weird for everyone in the family to have the same name BUT you?

Not really. I kept my last name, and my daughter has my husband's last name. I chose her first name and her middle name, which is not my last name, but which is consistent with the tradition of how girls in my family are named. We talked about it, and it was more important to him that she have his last name, and I didn't really care, while I did care more about her given names. I don't need to have the same last name as her to feel connected and close. She grew in me for nine months, I sang to her and knew her before anyone else--hell, her cells are floating around in my body. And I got to pick the name that I call her by every day. And it's not really strange to have a different last name. We're the Mylastname-Hislastname Family on holiday cards.

Wait- so you use a made up name that no one actually HAS on your holiday cards? That's unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

Because I wanted to give my kids an actual middle name (we used family names for all of the kids) instead of my long and very Italian maiden name. No one uses their middle name anyway- so it's not like your name is getting much recognition, especially if it's really a middle, not hyphenated.

What blows my mind is when women refuse to change their name but then give their children their husband's surname. There isn't anything more sexist than that.

Fwiw I wanted us all to have the same name. It didn't matter whose name it was or if we made up a name. Just the same last name. We are a family

A couple of posters have explained their reasoning. You just aren't reading.

[Anonymous]

OP here- wow that was a lot of responses. Thanks for sharing. I am *probably* going to take his name. I just have cold feet and won't do it until next year anyway when I have some personal days at work to use at the DMV.