Boyfriend not interested in my family at all.

[Anonymous]

How on earth did neither of you not realize this issue before you moved in together? Combined with your "job" and incredibly naive statement about him changing ... I'm not buying it. Troll.

[Anonymous]

Then how much family time is "normal" for adults? What's your normal??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then how much family time is "normal" for adults? What's your normal??

3-5 times per year.

[Anonymous]

OP, taking a step back from the specifics of your situation, here's a broad blueprint I think applies to most healthy cohabiting relationships (married or not). The waking hours you have available to you are roughly broken down between work and leisure time. Work time includes not just work outside of the home for pay, but also things like household chores/maintenance and childcare. Each couple should be pitching in roughly the same amount of time on work activities, so that if, for instance, one person works longer hours, the other person should pitch in more at home to keep the work effort balanced. On the leisure side, you can divide leisure activities into joint activities that both enjoy equally, joint activities that are more for one person's benefit than the other, and solo activities. Couples may distribute their leisure time differently between these different categories based on a whole host of factors, such as whether they are introverts or extroverts, but one important guideline is that the time spent on joint activities that are more for one person's benefit should be balanced between the two people's interests, and not predominantly focused on just one person's.

Looking at what you've described through the lens of that, it seems like your expectations and prioritires are way out of whack during those months that you're home. It sounds like you spent all day while he's at work on your solo activities (visiting your family), and then when your boyfriend is home, you're expecting him to join you for joint activities that are for your benefit (visiting your family). Where are your "work" hours to pitch in equivalently? Where are the hours for his solo activities? Where are the joint activities that are for both of you? Where are the joint activities that are more for his benefit? It seems like you do an awful lot of taking and not a lot of giving, but you dress it up as "prioritizing family" so that it seems noble rather than selfish.

I agree with others that it doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend are compatible, but I think you need to do some soul-searching beyond that to figure out how you can be good partner to anyone with your current expectations.

[Anonymous]

A birthday dinner and then some more birthday activities tomorrow?!

[Anonymous]

Major dealbreaker!!!!!!!!!!!!! You two are not compatible.
I am in your boyfriend's situation but underestimated the stress this would cause and married the guy that is super close with his family. I cannt tell you how many fights we have had over the years. I see his family weekly. I am not allowed to skip any major family gatherings (there are 20 of these a year). Inlaws raise hell about attendance.

I've been suffering this for 9 years. Had I known how big a deal this can be,...

Break up with him for your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

DTMFA

[Anonymous]

You have no idea how not relaxing and even slightly stressful it is to spend time at one's inlaws (or future inlaws) even if they are super nice people. Inlaws are not your parents. They are observing your every move and secretly judging. It is sooo not my idea of how to spend my limited time. It's nobody's preferred way of spending free time. You are incredibly selfish to impose your priorities on him to that extent. You are there almost daily? Expecting boyfriend to show up even weekly is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have any friends outside of your family & boyfriend? When do you see them and are your friends expected to hang out with your family too?

You really just have a lot of family time in your life when you are home. Either cut back on your family time and spend it with your boyfriend, or break up with this BF and find someone who wants to spend a TON of time with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea how not relaxing and even slightly stressful it is to spend time at one's inlaws (or future inlaws) even if they are super nice people. Inlaws are not your parents. They are observing your every move and secretly judging. It is sooo not my idea of how to spend my limited time. It's nobody's preferred way of spending free time. You are incredibly selfish to impose your priorities on him to that extent. You are there almost daily? Expecting boyfriend to show up even weekly is unreasonable.

+1

--woman with great family and nice in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have any friends outside of your family & boyfriend? When do you see them and are your friends expected to hang out with your family too?

You really just have a lot of family time in your life when you are home. Either cut back on your family time and spend it with your boyfriend, or break up with this BF and find someone who wants to spend a TON of time with your family.

+1000

And good point, when does OP spend time with her friends or are her friends her sister, cousins, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then how much family time is "normal" for adults? What's your normal??

My parents are local, about an hour away. I see them about once a month. This includes when they come by to see the kids. I don't expect my husband to be present every time. He does come for holidays (his family is all overseas so while we visit for a chunk of time there is no real splitting of the holidays.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then how much family time is "normal" for adults? What's your normal??

My parents are local, about an hour away. I see them about once a month. This includes when they come by to see the kids. I don't expect my husband to be present every time. He does come for holidays (his family is all overseas so while we visit for a chunk of time there is no real splitting of the holidays.)

My inlaws live 3 hours a way. Before kids we saw them on holidays. My DH calls his family once a week (always has even when we were dating) but he isn't a huge talker on the phone and neither are his parents so at most it may be a 20 minute conversation. After we had kids it was maybe once a month seeing his family and it was really about seeing their grandchildren. They are hands on grandparents that respect that as parents/married couple we have to make our own decisions. They are actually my role model of how to be when our kids have kids someday. I use words like I'm spoiled and lucky with our inlaws because I felt they really helped us when we were in the thick of it with young kids and never having couple time and it wasn't at the expense of having them too involved - they never tried to be the 3rd person in the marriage.

I think the most I have observed around here is weekly Sunday dinners when parents live really close. And even then, I wouldn't say the girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse is obligated to go every single week. In between the weekly dinners my friends talk/text with their mom and may include their mom or sister in activity DH would not want to do. Like instead of going to Black Friday sales, going to see the Christmas lights at X location, or sappy romantic comedy movie by myself, let me see if my mom or sister wants to go with me. As long as it isn't every weekend where is an obligation that restricts what you can do as a couple, it's actually a plus of you getting to do something you really wanted to do and your DH not having to be dragged along to something he didn't want to do, and you getting time to spend with your family, and there is no judgment that he isn't with you. Mom isn't going to say "what Larlo isn't here standing in line for Black Friday sales, what kind of man are you dating/married to".

[Anonymous]

I was never much into seeing any family. DW likes seeing her father, her brothers and their children. At first it seemed like they were always coming to visit which made our home very crowded. We visited her middle brother for over a month and it was pure hell. Whenever we visit my family, which is very rarely, we always stay at a hotel, which I find much easier. If I had to see my in laws once a week, or even my own family once a week, I'd go nuts. OP's obsession with her family is just plain weird. I'm not at all sure she can find a guy who would put up with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then how much family time is "normal" for adults? What's your normal??

3-5 times per year.

I see mine every 6 months and possibly one more time for a major funeral or wedding. DH sees his probably once a month because they're only a 2 hour drive away.