Boyfriend not interested in my family at all.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend will not spend time with my family. He just said he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to host them for dinner at our house. I went to my sister's wedding SOLO because he refused to come. He doesn't want to come to my brothers birthday next weekend.

He and I have had several conversations about this and he said he's not close with his own family and doesn't see it as a priority. He thinks seeing my family once a month is reasonable, I would like him to come once per week at least maybe twice and I don't think this is an unreasonable request. He sees his own family maybe once every 3-4 months (they live out of state and are not that close). I see my family multiple times per week and he never wants to come. I'm tired of coming up with excuses about why he's not there. When he does come he's friendly and polite but I can tell he would rather be doing other things. I am pulling my hair out over here! Is this a dealbreaker?

[Anonymous]

Monthly is A LOT.

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy. If I was your BF, I'd be exhausted from all your forced participation with your family. If this isn't satisfactory for you, dump him and move on.

[Anonymous]

But a wedding? He's supposed to come and be supportive and meet the rest of my family. He wouldn't even come to the family dinner the night before the wedding. His argument was that I was in the bridal party and we wouldn't see eachother anyways (seated apart). But I still think he could have sucked it up for one night?! I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all.

[Anonymous]

The wedding is reasonable. But no way in hell would I even see my own family twice a week. So you have to see his refusing to go to the wedding as a response to your extreme request of twice a week. Both equally abnormal.

You are obviously just not right for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But a wedding? He's supposed to come and be supportive and meet the rest of my family. He wouldn't even come to the family dinner the night before the wedding. His argument was that I was in the bridal party and we wouldn't see eachother anyways (seated apart). But I still think he could have sucked it up for one night?! I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all.

I can see his point, even though I agree with you. It doesn't sound like you guys are compatible, given that seeing family regularly is important to you and he is totally disinterested.

[Anonymous]

Weekly is excessive. The wedding was a dick move. Either compromise to once a month or move on.

[Anonymous]

I think want him at the wedding is fair and reasonable.

But expecting him to hang out with your family once or twice a week is ridiculous!

I don't think you two are compatible and should probably call it splits.

Even if you do find someone who is more into family events I really think you should start creating some boundaries now OP.

You are setting yourself up for a lot of issues when you do marry and have kids one day, and you can't make multiple times a week visits.

[Anonymous]

Yes huge deal breaker. It will only get worse. I promise. And the pp who said once a month is a lot is a joke.

If you family means this much to you, then you need to find someone who will naturally fit in and want to be with you and them.

Mark my words that it will only get worse with him.

Please do not have kids with him. It will tear your family apart.

[Anonymous]

I have never met an adult who wanted to make her partner hang out with her family of origin twice per week. If I were dating someone who asked for that I'd run for the hills.

If you are serious he should have attended the wedding. There are two possibilities there: (1) a passive - aggressive power struggle relating to your pressure for excessive time with them; or (2) he is trying to tell you that you're not going to be life partners so hd doesn't belong at family milestone events.

Either way, you two don't fit.

If you want someone who would rather hang with your parents than with friends or one to one, maybe find someone at their church. Better yet, develop an independent social life.

[Anonymous]

So dump him

[Anonymous]

It's time to go your separate ways.

I dated one guy who didn't value family at all - he wanted to spend no time with his own and certainly never even wanted to see mine. This wasn't okay with me as I value family a lot and make a point to eat one weekend meal with my family. I never asked this guy to come to each weekly dinner but asked him to come every other month, weekend of his choice. He refused. I called it quits.

I dated another guy who absolutely valued family and we spent a great deal of time with both his family and mine. At least 3 days a week were spent with our families and we both loved it. We got along great with each other, but even better with each other's families. It was sweet and cute and just felt so fulfilling. We later parted ways for other reasons (his job took him out of the country; my job took me on the road nonstop) but now I know that I definitely want someone who also values family as much as I do. I'm guessing this is what you want / need as well.

With regards to the wedding issue - I think he's trying to send you a more important message here - that he doesn't see himself being a forever part of your life which is why he isn't making such a milestone a priority. He's probably just still in the relationship at this point out of laziness / not wanting to breakup so maybe you have to be the one to step up and say this isn't working for you.

[Anonymous]

Well I just don't know what to do then. We recently moved into together after almost a year of me staying at his apartment.

I work out of the home for a month at a time and then am home for 1-2 months. We got into a huge argument about the fact he feels I don't "contribute" enough when i'm home and that we don't spend enough alone time together. When I am home I haven't seen my family for a long time so i spend most of the day with my parents or sister while he's at work. And when he gets home, I'm usually just down the street at my parents house and he gets PISSED when I come home at 7 or 8 it's not like i'm coming home at midnight. Which seems ridiculous, because I told him that he's more than welcome to come over too but he never wants to which is so upsetting to me.

But I agreed that I would come home and spend time with him and have dinner with him and help more with cooking/cleaning. So I feel like i'm making compromises but he's not giving me anything back?! I don't know if i'm ready to give up yet ... I was hoping we could figure it out.

[Anonymous]

i won't survive if you were my GF.

[Anonymous]

You want him to see your family a couple times a week??? Most people don't even see their own families that often. That's a lot to expect from your bf. Seeing them once or twice a month is more than reasonable. However, I agree with you that he should have come to the wedding.