Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

This is me as well. I have filed for divorce but will wait for him to move out as long as I can stick it out. The affair didn't kill our marriage but all of the lying did afterwards. I really think it depends on the situation if a divorce is best for the kids. Mine are 12 and 15 and are very close to their dad. They will suffer emotionally and financially with a divorce. They are both gone this week to camp and I miss them terribly. I can't even imagine not being a part of their daily lives from here on out due to my husbands selfishness. Ultimately, we will divorce but I am trying to buy them time. I always here that the kids want to see their parents happy and think that is a crock of shit. As long as there is no major tension or fighting, they would rather not have their lives in total upheaval going from home to home. I would choose my kids happiness over mine any day

I also have a major extenuating circumstances as why I do stay. The married affair partner had a child with my husband. The OW is now suing my husband for child support and revoking her husbands legal paternity. If she wins, my husband will pay a shit ton in child support and have some custody of the child. This will cause my kids even more trauma and I would rather they are at least in the house with both parents if this kid is introduced into their lives so they can adjust to the situation with both of our support.

Yes, for now, I will stay for my kids but planning my exit.

Geez Louise that's a tough marriage!

I hope that you encourage your kids to receive the new child warmly though - he/she will be the only good thing to come of this probably. Try to treat him/her as a blessing. Think about hating a 5 week old snuggly missy puppy - it's just wrong, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

This is me as well. I have filed for divorce but will wait for him to move out as long as I can stick it out. The affair didn't kill our marriage but all of the lying did afterwards. I really think it depends on the situation if a divorce is best for the kids. Mine are 12 and 15 and are very close to their dad. They will suffer emotionally and financially with a divorce. They are both gone this week to camp and I miss them terribly. I can't even imagine not being a part of their daily lives from here on out due to my husbands selfishness. Ultimately, we will divorce but I am trying to buy them time. I always here that the kids want to see their parents happy and think that is a crock of shit. As long as there is no major tension or fighting, they would rather not have their lives in total upheaval going from home to home. I would choose my kids happiness over mine any day

I also have a major extenuating circumstances as why I do stay. The married affair partner had a child with my husband. The OW is now suing my husband for child support and revoking her husbands legal paternity. If she wins, my husband will pay a shit ton in child support and have some custody of the child. This will cause my kids even more trauma and I would rather they are at least in the house with both parents if this kid is introduced into their lives so they can adjust to the situation with both of our support.

Yes, for now, I will stay for my kids but planning my exit.

Geez Louise that's a tough marriage!

I hope that you encourage your kids to receive the new child warmly though - he/she will be the only good thing to come of this probably. Try to treat him/her as a blessing. Think about hating a 5 week old snuggly KISSY puppy - it's just wrong, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.

My husband is selfish, lazy and messy. He has none of the five "love languages." He doesn't respond to anything other than respect, but how can I respect a man who sits on his ass while his wife runs hers off? How would I hope to fix that?

Omg, the five love languages?! Honestly - I wonder how men get dragged into counseling ever with the prospect of discussing 'love languages'.
I'm the DW and we were not having the best time but I'd rather listed to a dragon scratching it's nails down a giant chalkboard than pay someone $250 to assist us in 'mapping out our love'. I'm glad Jon Gottman is rich but - yuck!!!

Anyway, I'm no rich expert but if you do want to learn to speak 'man', it seems that respect is often at the top of the list, yes.
I did give my husband that as that is what he asked for and I got much back in return which honestly shocked me.
Try it - try just treating him with respect and affection as much as you can (all the time is best) and you might find that a good man steps up to the plate.
Just try it.

Or, continue arguing for what you want and live in misery. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

What if the only issue in your marriage is sex. I hate sex. I used to love it but after 20 years with same person I just don't. And I have no desire to have sex with anyone else either. I'm almost 50 and the thought of sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore. But we have two small kids (had them later in marriage) and I don't want to put them through divorce. How do you explain to kids (and everyone) that your divorcing because of sex? I would give him a pass to see others but he doesn't want that. I've tried to fake it and I'm just miserable. Everyday I'm miserable dreading sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the only issue in your marriage is sex. I hate sex. I used to love it but after 20 years with same person I just don't. And I have no desire to have sex with anyone else either. I'm almost 50 and the thought of sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore. But we have two small kids (had them later in marriage) and I don't want to put them through divorce. How do you explain to kids (and everyone) that your divorcing because of sex? I would give him a pass to see others but he doesn't want that. I've tried to fake it and I'm just miserable. Everyday I'm miserable dreading sex.

What an incredibly sad admission, but thanks for your honesty.
Even sadder: this is probably how a large number of DCUM women actually think, they just aren't as honest about it.

Divorce him. You shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. And he deserves sex with somebody who desires him.

[Anonymous]

He won't let me leave and if I insist he will get revenge. He told me. He said he'd make my life miserable and do something so the kids would know it's my fault and resent me for it. I feel trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.

My husband is selfish, lazy and messy. He has none of the five "love languages." He doesn't respond to anything other than respect, but how can I respect a man who sits on his ass while his wife runs hers off? How would I hope to fix that?

If you truly feel this way then get divorced. Your only other options are to ignore and just accept you have to deal with a lazy selfish husband or alternatively to try and change him, which probably won't work.

But there aren't other things you like about your husband? My husband isn't selfish or lazy. He's the opposite. But he also only wants to have sex once a week. No marriage is perfect.

You're part of the problem if you're describing your husband this way.

My husband is predictable and dependable. He's not a great father, but he's a better dad than mine was.

I choose to ignore and live my own life. I can't change him and I'm not going through divorce, nor putting my kids through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won't let me leave and if I insist he will get revenge. He told me. He said he'd make my life miserable and do something so the kids would know it's my fault and resent me for it. I feel trapped.

That is terrifying. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.

My husband is selfish, lazy and messy. He has none of the five "love languages." He doesn't respond to anything other than respect, but how can I respect a man who sits on his ass while his wife runs hers off? How would I hope to fix that?

Omg, the five love languages?! Honestly - I wonder how men get dragged into counseling ever with the prospect of discussing 'love languages'.
I'm the DW and we were not having the best time but I'd rather listed to a dragon scratching it's nails down a giant chalkboard than pay someone $250 to assist us in 'mapping out our love'. I'm glad Jon Gottman is rich but - yuck!!!

Anyway, I'm no rich expert but if you do want to learn to speak 'man', it seems that respect is often at the top of the list, yes.
I did give my husband that as that is what he asked for and I got much back in return which honestly shocked me.
Try it - try just treating him with respect and affection as much as you can (all the time is best) and you might find that a good man steps up to the plate.
Just try it.

Or, continue arguing for what you want and live in misery. Your choice.

Do you have a suggestion on what I should respect him for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the only issue in your marriage is sex. I hate sex. I used to love it but after 20 years with same person I just don't. And I have no desire to have sex with anyone else either. I'm almost 50 and the thought of sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore. But we have two small kids (had them later in marriage) and I don't want to put them through divorce. How do you explain to kids (and everyone) that your divorcing because of sex? I would give him a pass to see others but he doesn't want that. I've tried to fake it and I'm just miserable. Everyday I'm miserable dreading sex.

Get drunk? Find female friendly porn? Learn to masturbate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the only issue in your marriage is sex. I hate sex. I used to love it but after 20 years with same person I just don't. And I have no desire to have sex with anyone else either. I'm almost 50 and the thought of sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore. But we have two small kids (had them later in marriage) and I don't want to put them through divorce. How do you explain to kids (and everyone) that your divorcing because of sex? I would give him a pass to see others but he doesn't want that. I've tried to fake it and I'm just miserable. Everyday I'm miserable dreading sex.

Get drunk? Find female friendly porn? Learn to masturbate?

I masturbate often. It's faster and less messy than sex. Tried getting drunk but doesn't help. Porn sometimes helps but he likes it more so that's actually a turn off! I guess I'm just a cold person. I can't fake it without feeling like an idiot to myself. I manage to do it once a week but he knows I'm not into it and he wants it more like three to four times a week. I told him I can do it but he wants more enthusiasm from me which I can't fake. I can do the act. I even have orgasms quite quickly and easily. That's part of the problem because I finish and he's still going at it. Makes it unbearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the only issue in your marriage is sex. I hate sex. I used to love it but after 20 years with same person I just don't. And I have no desire to have sex with anyone else either. I'm almost 50 and the thought of sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore. But we have two small kids (had them later in marriage) and I don't want to put them through divorce. How do you explain to kids (and everyone) that your divorcing because of sex? I would give him a pass to see others but he doesn't want that. I've tried to fake it and I'm just miserable. Everyday I'm miserable dreading sex.

Get drunk? Find female friendly porn? Learn to masturbate?

I masturbate often. It's faster and less messy than sex. Tried getting drunk but doesn't help. Porn sometimes helps but he likes it more so that's actually a turn off! I guess I'm just a cold person. I can't fake it without feeling like an idiot to myself. I manage to do it once a week but he knows I'm not into it and he wants it more like three to four times a week. I told him I can do it but he wants more enthusiasm from me which I can't fake. I can do the act. I even have orgasms quite quickly and easily. That's part of the problem because I finish and he's still going at it. Makes it unbearable.

He isn't interested in opening up the marriage? Why don't you ask him so you can enjoy the other bits of him?
Also ... I enjoy bits of my husband -- but the sex, not so much. But there was a reason (resentment, anger, hurt) behind all that. Can you consider that as a possibility and maybe you need some individual therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

This is me as well. I have filed for divorce but will wait for him to move out as long as I can stick it out. The affair didn't kill our marriage but all of the lying did afterwards. I really think it depends on the situation if a divorce is best for the kids. Mine are 12 and 15 and are very close to their dad. They will suffer emotionally and financially with a divorce. They are both gone this week to camp and I miss them terribly. I can't even imagine not being a part of their daily lives from here on out due to my husbands selfishness. Ultimately, we will divorce but I am trying to buy them time. I always here that the kids want to see their parents happy and think that is a crock of shit. As long as there is no major tension or fighting, they would rather not have their lives in total upheaval going from home to home. I would choose my kids happiness over mine any day

I also have a major extenuating circumstances as why I do stay. The married affair partner had a child with my husband. The OW is now suing my husband for child support and revoking her husbands legal paternity. If she wins, my husband will pay a shit ton in child support and have some custody of the child. This will cause my kids even more trauma and I would rather they are at least in the house with both parents if this kid is introduced into their lives so they can adjust to the situation with both of our support.

Yes, for now, I will stay for my kids but planning my exit.

Geez Louise that's a tough marriage!

I hope that you encourage your kids to receive the new child warmly though - he/she will be the only good thing to come of this probably. Try to treat him/her as a blessing. Think about hating a 5 week old snuggly missy puppy - it's just wrong, right?

OP here. The child is 2 1/2 right now. Of course, I will encourage my kids to love and accept him. He is a victim along with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the only issue in your marriage is sex. I hate sex. I used to love it but after 20 years with same person I just don't. And I have no desire to have sex with anyone else either. I'm almost 50 and the thought of sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore. But we have two small kids (had them later in marriage) and I don't want to put them through divorce. How do you explain to kids (and everyone) that your divorcing because of sex? I would give him a pass to see others but he doesn't want that. I've tried to fake it and I'm just miserable. Everyday I'm miserable dreading sex.

Get drunk? Find female friendly porn? Learn to masturbate?

I masturbate often. It's faster and less messy than sex. Tried getting drunk but doesn't help. Porn sometimes helps but he likes it more so that's actually a turn off! I guess I'm just a cold person. I can't fake it without feeling like an idiot to myself. I manage to do it once a week but he knows I'm not into it and he wants it more like three to four times a week. I told him I can do it but he wants more enthusiasm from me which I can't fake. I can do the act. I even have orgasms quite quickly and easily. That's part of the problem because I finish and he's still going at it. Makes it unbearable.

He needs to finish when you finish. Period. Nobody wants somebody banging away after we are done. That is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the only issue in your marriage is sex. I hate sex. I used to love it but after 20 years with same person I just don't. And I have no desire to have sex with anyone else either. I'm almost 50 and the thought of sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore. But we have two small kids (had them later in marriage) and I don't want to put them through divorce. How do you explain to kids (and everyone) that your divorcing because of sex? I would give him a pass to see others but he doesn't want that. I've tried to fake it and I'm just miserable. Everyday I'm miserable dreading sex.

What an incredibly sad admission, but thanks for your honesty.
Even sadder: this is probably how a large number of DCUM women actually think, they just aren't as honest about it.

Divorce him. You shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. And he deserves sex with somebody who desires him.

Go and see your doctor or a bioidentical naturopath about hormone replacement therapy to help with that.
HRT isn't right for everyone but a low dose of hormones might make a huge difference.