Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Wait until you're a size 0 ! Guys LOVE that!

[Anonymous]

If you are Catholic you might look into the Retrouvaille program. It has brought many couples back from the brink of divorce. Teaches communication tools, stresses forgiveness, letting go of past hurts, etc. You owe it to your kids to leave nothing unturned in the effort to make your family whole.

[Anonymous]

Stealing a line I read: don't stay married for the sake of your kids. Work on making your marriage better for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stealing a line I read: don't stay married for the sake of your kids. Work on making your marriage better for the sake of the kids.

+1000

My parents "stayed together for the kids" and while from a financial impact it was probably better from an emotional impact it wasn't a good idea. Seeing your parents argue about everything, dad not come home some nights and stay at a "friends" house, eventually separate bedrooms etc was terrible. They divorced while I was in college. Now they are cordial but for awhile it put a chill on things to have them at the same event. It's not like I'm having more than one birthday party for the kids so I would invite both and they had to work it out.

The crazy thing is I don't remember my parents ever going to marriage counseling. I honestly think there was a point that things could have been saved but both people would have needed to be willing to change. I just don't see how you can stay in the same house, stay in the same room, still have sex and intimacy with each other, not argue constantly, while not being super detached, and co-parent effectively for the next 15-16 years (youngest out of high school) without efforts to improve your relationship from where it is today.

[Anonymous]

We are actively doing this right now. But we are going to marriage counseling and are trying to be loving. But damn, it is hard. I think our marriage isn't worse than anybody else's and we can "ride it out" like the PP said she did. Kids KNOW something is wrong, but they don't know. I see them acting out in response to the tension. We don't argue/fight. Just tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, I think like half the people on this forum are doing just that. Why do you feel the need to mention you're a size 2?

OP here. You are right, my dress size is completely irrelevant. I guess it was silly to include that info. It's just that so often the response is that DW must have let herself go and thus the change in the relationship. Not the case here, but the relationship has definitely changed for the worse.

To the PP who suggested counseling - I am not sure I have the energy or the desire. I've reached the state where I am ready to walk away from us as a couple. Individual counseling I would definitely try, if it could help the situation.

If you're not willing to try to improve the relationship through marriage counseling, I don't think you should stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dress size is irrelevant.

I disagree. It shows she has at least put some effort into keeping the marriage alive.
And that she has plenty of options post divorce.

[Anonymous]

I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, I think like half the people on this forum are doing just that. Why do you feel the need to mention you're a size 2?

OP here. You are right, my dress size is completely irrelevant. I guess it was silly to include that info. It's just that so often the response is that DW must have let herself go and thus the change in the relationship. Not the case here, but the relationship has definitely changed for the worse.

To the PP who suggested counseling - I am not sure I have the energy or the desire. I've reached the state where I am ready to walk away from us as a couple. Individual counseling I would definitely try, if it could help the situation.

So you are worried about your kids' experience of your relationship with your DH, but not willing to put in any work to improve your relationship with DH? Not even to figure out how to get along for the next ten years until you divorce?

That makes no sense to me.

[Anonymous]

I know of a few couples who stayed together for the kids...there are two big divorce-rate humps: ~7 years and then ~20 years, with the latter being the "stayed together until the kids were out of the home" bunch.

It does work, but generally has these features:

- no more fighting
- generally lead separate personal lives
- agree on logistics (money, housing)
- agree on parenting

If you all are fighting all the time, particularly about logistics and parenting, then maybe a divorce is better.

My own parents waited 10 years too long to get divorced because they were "trying" and "staying together for the kids" and it absolutely did not help us at all. It was WW-III, and all we learned was how to scream at people we were in a relationship with (had to unlearn that). Things were dramatically better once they divorced. Sure, we all had "issues" resulting from coming from a broken marriage, but we would have had those issues even if our parents had stayed together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dress size is irrelevant.

I disagree. It shows she has at least put some effort into keeping the marriage alive.
And that she has plenty of options post divorce.

Yes, because maintaining your size 2 body will keep a marriage alive, and only size 2s have dating options.

What the ever living hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

It's hard to believe there was nothing wrong with the marriage if he had two affairs. Yes, maybe he just wanted to get blown or whatever on the side, but somewhere there was some unhappiness. Affairs usually, I'd say almost always, result from some needs not being met. In that case, something is wrong with the marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dress size is irrelevant.

I disagree. It shows she has at least put some effort into keeping the marriage alive.
And that she has plenty of options post divorce.

You sure can read a lot into dress size. Little girls of America take note: apparently if you are a size 2 you have options and are person who has demonstrated effort. Just keep trying trying trying to get to a size 2. Nothing bad could come of that right?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids too and things were really bad when the kids were younger. Now the youngest is 7 and we are like newly weds because we chose to work on our marriage. Please fight for your love and make a happy family again. It is in your hands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

If you think having two affairs is treating you with respect, I'd hate to see what it looks like when he doesn't treat you with respect ...