Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will be horrified by how quickly he'll move on if you divorce. It is much harder for women. - divorced mom

Unless you are a man and she had the affair -- betrayed husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

It's hard to believe there was nothing wrong with the marriage if he had two affairs. Yes, maybe he just wanted to get blown or whatever on the side, but somewhere there was some unhappiness. Affairs usually, I'd say almost always, result from some needs not being met. In that case, something is wrong with the marriage

He was sexually molested as a child and acts out by self destructive sexual relationships. So no... it is not always the marriage.

Did you know this before you got married?

No. Nobody did, never told anybody. Thought he had "put it behind him". He is extremely stable with a great job and loving wife and amazing family. But having children started flashbacks, he has PTSD from it. He never told me. He eventually started to self destruct. I eventually confronted him due to comments both of our therapist made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do this is if you stop fighting.

And if you stop fighting, who know, maybe your relationship will change.

So the net time something pops up that bugs you, let it go. Just let it go. Don't fight. It takes two people to fight. Start disengaging. You are thinking of divorcing. So why does it matter? Whatever petty thing you are fighting about, why does it matter?

if nothing else, starting to disengage now - letting go of frustration, anger, expectations - will help you as you divorce, because if nothing else you want an amicable divorce.

So just start today. No more fighting. he doesn't do something he said he would? Oh well, you knew he wouldn't, so why get upset? Just suck it up and do it yourself. He comes at you about something you did/didn't do? Who cares? Let it go.

Try it for one week. See how that changes things.

Disengage + someone on the side helps even more...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.

My husband is selfish, lazy and messy. He has none of the five "love languages." He doesn't respond to anything other than respect, but how can I respect a man who sits on his ass while his wife runs hers off? How would I hope to fix that?

If you truly feel this way then get divorced. Your only other options are to ignore and just accept you have to deal with a lazy selfish husband or alternatively to try and change him, which probably won't work.

But there aren't other things you like about your husband? My husband isn't selfish or lazy. He's the opposite. But he also only wants to have sex once a week. No marriage is perfect.

You're part of the problem if you're describing your husband this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Get yourself into individual therapy as well. Then take it from there."

THIS. From what you write, OP, it sounds like you have at least a 50% role in the fighting and not getting along. You need to work on your conflict skills. Even if you do end the marriage, you'll still have teenagers to deal with, so you'll all be better off if mom can deal with conflict without blowing up.

+1

If you fight a lot, OP, that means you don't problem-solve or manage conflict productively. Get some help with this - both on your own and with your DH. You owe it to your children to at least try to fix some of this.

To find a therapist who will help (and not do further damage), IMO you need to proceed carefully. I started here (ours is on this list and is excellent):

https://www.washingtonian.com/2012/12/14/recommend...rapists-want-to-talk-about-it/

I also looked here and there is a lot of overlap:

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/find-a-therapist

We have been married for almost 20 years, have fought a lot, and are making headway with the help of our therapist. Last fall I felt sure that as soon as DC#2 was done with high school, I would be out of here. I am hopeful now that we can make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.

OP again. Thank you for this! Sounds like an ideal solution, but I worry that we don't have the kind of respect and kindness that you describe. And all the previous major struggles still get brought up during fights. I don't feel like they have made us stronger or closer, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Get yourself into individual therapy as well. Then take it from there."

THIS. From what you write, OP, it sounds like you have at least a 50% role in the fighting and not getting along. You need to work on your conflict skills. Even if you do end the marriage, you'll still have teenagers to deal with, so you'll all be better off if mom can deal with conflict without blowing up.

OP again. I am sure I am at least 50 percent to blame, but I am just so worn out by the arguments, I just can't bring myself to even try to save the romantic relationship. At least not at this point. I am 100 percent committed to saving the co-parent relationship no matter what it takes for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be horrified by how quickly he'll move on if you divorce. It is much harder for women. - divorced mom

Unless you are a man and she had the affair -- betrayed husband

+1000

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I wanted to stay together for the kids. We only had one more year until our youngest headed off to college. But selfish, messy, lazy STBX DH (no, I'm not the other pp who said this about her X) couldn't wait for our youngest to finish his last year of high school before starting to date other women, buying a sportscar "for our son", spending all his money on vacations (with and without his new women) instead of child support, and generally launching into a full-blown midlife crisis.

Secretly, I'm overjoyed that STBX DH is gone. No more of him messing up the place, telling DS not to bother with college and to become a guitarist instead, and all the rest of DH's selfish, messy and destructive behavior.

I gave our son a stable final year of high school by staying in the house and spending down some savings. Now that DS is headed to college I'm selling the house. During this last year, DS and I have really gotten to know and appreciate each other--it's been sort of idyllic without that jerk around. I realize that having an older kid is different from having younger ones, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Get yourself into individual therapy as well. Then take it from there."

THIS. From what you write, OP, it sounds like you have at least a 50% role in the fighting and not getting along. You need to work on your conflict skills. Even if you do end the marriage, you'll still have teenagers to deal with, so you'll all be better off if mom can deal with conflict without blowing up.

OP again. I am sure I am at least 50 percent to blame, but I am just so worn out by the arguments, I just can't bring myself to even try to save the romantic relationship. At least not at this point. I am 100 percent committed to saving the co-parent relationship no matter what it takes for the sake of the kids.

So you're too worn out to stop arguing?

If I were you I'd try my best to be nice to him and treat him kindly. No yelling. No swearing the small stuff. Listen to what he has to say. Be kind to him. See what happens. You never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. We got divorced FOR the kids. The older ones were very relieved and the younger ones behavior got much better within a week. Staying together was not doing the kids any favors.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. We got divorced FOR the kids. The older ones were very relieved and the younger ones behavior got much better within a week. Staying together was not doing the kids any favors.

+1

That's what my mom likes to believe. The truth is, I hate having divorced parents and it has been very difficult for all of my siblings. But my parents don't want to acknowledge it. Divorced people tell themselves whatever helps them sleep at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Get yourself into individual therapy as well. Then take it from there."

THIS. From what you write, OP, it sounds like you have at least a 50% role in the fighting and not getting along. You need to work on your conflict skills. Even if you do end the marriage, you'll still have teenagers to deal with, so you'll all be better off if mom can deal with conflict without blowing up.

OP again. I am sure I am at least 50 percent to blame, but I am just so worn out by the arguments, I just can't bring myself to even try to save the romantic relationship. At least not at this point. I am 100 percent committed to saving the co-parent relationship no matter what it takes for the sake of the kids.

This is a cop out and completely unfair to your children and your marriage.

You will not do-parent well if you don't even want to try to work through conflict with your husband.

[Anonymous]

^^^*co-parent*

[Anonymous]

Please go read the thread in the family relationships section about a will and a stepmom.

Staying married is about more than co-parenting until the kids are 18. It's also about keeping assets together for your children in the future. If you leave, your DH will likely remarry and your kids will really pay for it, literally.