Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?

[Anonymous]

As someone who is strongly opposed to divorce, I hate it when I hear some say,"Kids are resilient. They will get through this." Technically true, unless they commit suicide, but the upheaval will damage them for years (I have seen it), and you ask them to be resilient while blowing up the only life they have ever known, and giving them no choice about it

[Anonymous]

My parents tried very hard to stay together for the kids. Ultimately they divorced, but it means a lot to me that they did not give up on our family. Yes, there was tension and fighting, but those things have to be balanced against the burdens of joint custody and the complexity of having divorced parents as an adult. Considering the big picture, OP, I would encourage you to try whatever you can. 2 is very young and things will likely improve just from the kids getting older.

See a financial planner if you need a reality check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do this is if you stop fighting.

And if you stop fighting, who know, maybe your relationship will change.

So the net time something pops up that bugs you, let it go. Just let it go. Don't fight. It takes two people to fight. Start disengaging. You are thinking of divorcing. So why does it matter? Whatever petty thing you are fighting about, why does it matter?

if nothing else, starting to disengage now - letting go of frustration, anger, expectations - will help you as you divorce, because if nothing else you want an amicable divorce.

So just start today. No more fighting. he doesn't do something he said he would? Oh well, you knew he wouldn't, so why get upset? Just suck it up and do it yourself. He comes at you about something you did/didn't do? Who cares? Let it go.

Try it for one week. See how that changes things.

I like this idea. Thank you!

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do this is if you stop fighting.

And if you stop fighting, who know, maybe your relationship will change.

So the net time something pops up that bugs you, let it go. Just let it go. Don't fight. It takes two people to fight. Start disengaging. You are thinking of divorcing. So why does it matter? Whatever petty thing you are fighting about, why does it matter?

if nothing else, starting to disengage now - letting go of frustration, anger, expectations - will help you as you divorce, because if nothing else you want an amicable divorce.

So just start today. No more fighting. he doesn't do something he said he would? Oh well, you knew he wouldn't, so why get upset? Just suck it up and do it yourself. He comes at you about something you did/didn't do? Who cares? Let it go.

Try it for one week. See how that changes things.

The only problem with this is the disengagement, and the caring is gone. It is how I ended up where I ended up.

[Anonymous]

You will be horrified by how quickly he'll move on if you divorce. It is much harder for women. - divorced mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will be horrified by how quickly he'll move on if you divorce. It is much harder for women. - divorced mom

+1. OP, how would you feel about dealing with a new wife? Maybe you'd like her, maybe not, but custody and scheduling would become a lot more complicated.

[Anonymous]

I never got this reasoning. Parents divorcing is pretty is traumatic at any age, so wouldn't it be better to do it when your children are young so that they can get the support they need? Most people are sympathetic and offer support for kids, but that kind of goes away when you're an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never got this reasoning. Parents divorcing is pretty is traumatic at any age, so wouldn't it be better to do it when your children are young so that they can get the support they need? Most people are sympathetic and offer support for kids, but that kind of goes away when you're an adult.

Because a lot of them don't get the support they need, and being younger means needing more support. The parents may try to be supportive (or not) but they are preoccupied with the divorce, financial problems, and dating, so they sometimes cant give enough support. Young children are also more harmed by joint custody. People may be sympathetic, but it isn't anywhere near enough. Older children and adults are more likely to have friends and partners to help them through it, and if they are old enough, may not have to endure the back and forth of joint custody at all.

They will be adult children of divorce either way.

The financial impact of divorce cannot be understated. The longer you live in one house instead of two, the more you save. That time can be used to prepare for the financial impact of divorce. Waiting until the children are gone means you no longer have to live in a good school district. People don't think practically about divorce until they experience it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do this is if you stop fighting.

And if you stop fighting, who know, maybe your relationship will change.

So the net time something pops up that bugs you, let it go. Just let it go. Don't fight. It takes two people to fight. Start disengaging. You are thinking of divorcing. So why does it matter? Whatever petty thing you are fighting about, why does it matter?

if nothing else, starting to disengage now - letting go of frustration, anger, expectations - will help you as you divorce, because if nothing else you want an amicable divorce.

So just start today. No more fighting. he doesn't do something he said he would? Oh well, you knew he wouldn't, so why get upset? Just suck it up and do it yourself. He comes at you about something you did/didn't do? Who cares? Let it go.

Try it for one week. See how that changes things.

The only problem with this is the disengagement, and the caring is gone. It is how I ended up where I ended up.

I was the PP who suggested this. I think de-escalating and disengaging will go one of two ways. You might discover that without the fighting, there's nothing holding you together, and disengaging is easy and you rally you are done. Sounds like that happened to you. On the other hand, by de-escalating into a fight, you might find your partner relaxes, and then you relax, and it becomes easier and easier to not fight, and the tallows some room for feelings or positive emotions to come back in - if you're open to it.

I was struck by the OP saying she didn't want counseling because she didn't want to do it. But maybe just de-escalating the situation- breaking the cycle of repeated fighting - might shake things up enough that you realize there's something there. Or, maybe you realize there's nothing there. Either way, there's less fighting around the kids and that's a good thing. And if it leads to divorce, maybe it's a peaceful divorce?

Worth trying?

[Anonymous]

"Get yourself into individual therapy as well. Then take it from there."

THIS. From what you write, OP, it sounds like you have at least a 50% role in the fighting and not getting along. You need to work on your conflict skills. Even if you do end the marriage, you'll still have teenagers to deal with, so you'll all be better off if mom can deal with conflict without blowing up.

[Anonymous]

I know you feel drained and say you don;t want to date. But the truth is that your DH won't stay single for long. Are you ready to co parent with a step parent for a decade or longer. ready to not see your kids on christmas and instead see pics on stepmoms facebook page of your kids? you need to let of of the anger, suck it up and honestly consider a very discreet non emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you feel drained and say you don;t want to date. But the truth is that your DH won't stay single for long. Are you ready to co parent with a step parent for a decade or longer. ready to not see your kids on christmas and instead see pics on stepmoms facebook page of your kids? you need to let of of the anger, suck it up and honestly consider a very discreet non emotional affair.

Are you ready to share your grandparent time? My parents didn't think about the long-term, but they sure do hate the consequences now. Are you ready to get less care from your children when you are old because they are juggling their fathers care in a different location?

[Anonymous]

OP, yes. I have been unhappily married for over 10 years and our children are in their mid to late teens. As the kids get older, my spouse and I have more free time and we spend it doing things to keep ourselves sane. I'm an extrovert who likes to travel; spouse is an introvert whose idea of heaven is a staycation. Has he had an affair? Don't know and don't care, so long as he is discreet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.

He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.

It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)

It's hard to believe there was nothing wrong with the marriage if he had two affairs. Yes, maybe he just wanted to get blown or whatever on the side, but somewhere there was some unhappiness. Affairs usually, I'd say almost always, result from some needs not being met. In that case, something is wrong with the marriage

He was sexually molested as a child and acts out by self destructive sexual relationships. So no... it is not always the marriage.

Did you know this before you got married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.

My husband is selfish, lazy and messy. He has none of the five "love languages." He doesn't respond to anything other than respect, but how can I respect a man who sits on his ass while his wife runs hers off? How would I hope to fix that?