Reply to Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.[/quote]

My husband is selfish, lazy and messy. [b]He has none of the five "love languages." [/b]He doesn't respond to anything other than respect, but how can I respect a man who sits on his ass while his wife runs hers off?  How would I hope to fix that?[/quote]

Omg, the five love languages?! Honestly - I wonder how men get dragged into counseling ever with the prospect of discussing 'love languages'.
I'm the DW and we were not having the best time but I'd rather listed to a dragon scratching it's nails down a giant chalkboard than pay someone $250 to assist us in 'mapping out our love'. I'm glad Jon Gottman is rich but - yuck!!!

Anyway, I'm no rich expert but if you do want to learn to speak 'man', it seems that respect is often at the top of the list, yes.
I did give my husband that as that is what he asked for and I got much back in return which honestly shocked me.
Try it - try just treating him with respect and affection as much as you can (all the time is best) and you might find that a good man steps up to the plate.
Just try it.

Or, continue arguing for what you want and live in misery. Your choice.[/quote]

Do you have a suggestion on what I should respect him for?[/quote]

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