Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?

[Anonymous]

After almost ten years of marriage and 3 kids, I feel like our marriage is pretty much over. There is constant fighting (at least a couple of fights per week that result in us not being on speaking terms for at least a day) and seems like no real feelings left for each other. We've just grown apart, which would work if it didn't cause us to fight over every little difference. No matter what starts the fight we always turn on each other. There is no abuse, no cheating and both of us are good with the kids. Youngest is only 2.

I cannot stand the thought of having to share time with the kids after divorce so am seriously thinking about working out some kind of agreement to stay together and be civil to each other just for the sake of the kids. I am the DW and although still in mid 30s and the same size 2 as when we first married, I am not thinking of dating whether we divorce or not. I think 3 little kids would make that near darn impossible even if it's something I eventually wanted.

Has anyone actually stayed married like this successfully? Just for the kids. Made it a long time and kids didn't seem to suffer? What did it take?

[Anonymous]

Um, I think like half the people on this forum are doing just that. Why do you feel the need to mention you're a size 2?

[Anonymous]

Your dress size is irrelevant.

OP, have you tried couples counseling? If not, do that first. Get yourself into individual therapy as well. Then take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After almost ten years of marriage and 3 kids, I feel like our marriage is pretty much over. There is constant fighting (at least a couple of fights per week that result in us not being on speaking terms for at least a day) and seems like no real feelings left for each other. We've just grown apart, which would work if it didn't cause us to fight over every little difference. No matter what starts the fight we always turn on each other. There is no abuse, no cheating and both of us are good with the kids. Youngest is only 2.

I cannot stand the thought of having to share time with the kids after divorce so am seriously thinking about working out some kind of agreement to stay together and be civil to each other just for the sake of the kids. I am the DW and although still in mid 30s and the same size 2 as when we first married, I am not thinking of dating whether we divorce or not. I think 3 little kids would make that near darn impossible even if it's something I eventually wanted.

Has anyone actually stayed married like this successfully? Just for the kids. Made it a long time and kids didn't seem to suffer? What did it take?

Well imagine your child in the same position as you in the future. What would you advice him or her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I think like half the people on this forum are doing just that. Why do you feel the need to mention you're a size 2?

OP here. You are right, my dress size is completely irrelevant. I guess it was silly to include that info. It's just that so often the response is that DW must have let herself go and thus the change in the relationship. Not the case here, but the relationship has definitely changed for the worse.

To the PP who suggested counseling - I am not sure I have the energy or the desire. I've reached the state where I am ready to walk away from us as a couple. Individual counseling I would definitely try, if it could help the situation.

[Anonymous]

Op, I did this for the past 10 years. No fun at all. Feel like I've lost alot of time. The kids lives passed before my eyes. There was cheating but we tried to make it work. Very hard psychologically, probably on my health too. Some fighting, lots of tension. Really messed up. Somehow, I think either way would have been bad for the kids. At least they received an education and didn't have to live in two houses. You will never know which way is best. Go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

I was staying for the kids for a while. But then the marriage got better. I was really staying for myself, of course, because divorce with kids would be so unpleasant for me. So not really for the kids but because of them.

I only did it because I have divorcedemi parents and I know how much it complicates everything for decades. If I didn't know that I probably would have divorced. But I'm glad I didnt. Things aren't perfect, but we really did just ride the worst of it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, I think like half the people on this forum are doing just that. Why do you feel the need to mention you're a size 2?

OP here. You are right, my dress size is completely irrelevant. I guess it was silly to include that info. It's just that so often the response is that DW must have let herself go and thus the change in the relationship. Not the case here, but the relationship has definitely changed for the worse.

To the PP who suggested counseling - I am not sure I have the energy or the desire. I've reached the state where I am ready to walk away from us as a couple. Individual counseling I would definitely try, if it could help the situation.

If you want to coparent together it would help if you could learn to get along.
Perhaps your couples counseling could just focus on you two becoming friends again?
If you hate him too much to be friends you should not stay together any longer - you're just going to damage your kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents stayed together for me. All the fighting and tension really messed me up. Took most of my 20's and 30's to fix what they broke by staying married.

Only way not to mess your kids up is to have a loving marriage. The act of being married isn't what is good for your kids. The fighting and tension is hurting them. And even if you just move to a detached, low conflict marriage, you are still hurting them. They are learning that romantic love is fighting and tension or detachment and ambivalence.

Now you are just trying to figure out what is going to mess them up the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I think like half the people on this forum are doing just that. Why do you feel the need to mention you're a size 2?

she doesn't want people on here to think she's too fat to get dates since most guys on here hate fatties

[Anonymous]

What does your DH think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I think like half the people on this forum are doing just that. Why do you feel the need to mention you're a size 2?

Not OP. She probably started to be "on the market". The need to mention her size sounds very suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Ugh my parents stayed married for us, their kids. At some point we were old enough to know it. Which made us feel like it was our responsibility and fault they were so unhappy ( it doesn't make sense now but it did at the time) my brother and I say now we wished they had gotten divorced. The constant fighting made me super anxious and I had no idea how to have relationships without my own counseling. At the very least get counseling to learn how to be good parents while you hate each other. If that's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents stayed together for me. All the fighting and tension really messed me up. Took most of my 20's and 30's to fix what they broke by staying married.

Only way not to mess your kids up is to have a loving marriage. The act of being married isn't what is good for your kids. The fighting and tension is hurting them. And even if you just move to a detached, low conflict marriage, you are still hurting them. They are learning that romantic love is fighting and tension or detachment and ambivalence.

Now you are just trying to figure out what is going to mess them up the least.

This reminds me of my parents and how they ruined my years, especially when I was studying for finals. One day I had to explain in tears to my teacher why I couldn't study ( my parents were arguing for hours and then fighting).

[Anonymous]

I'd say wait til your youngest is 6 and then see how you feel about it. Kids take a toll on a marriage. It takes time to get over the sleep deprivation and it's not good to make big decisions when you haven't had good sleep in years.