Is it harder to be a SAHM in the suburbs?

[Anonymous]

I technically work from home now (finishing a degree) and plan on going back to work. I find I have zero in common with most SAHM in my area and really bond more with people who are like me--ones who don't wear ath-leisure full time. You need to find people like you, OP. That is why a hobby is important. I know by going to ballet, I will meet other women who enjoy dance and we can go picnic at wolftrap. I know when I go to wine tastings, I will meet people who enjoy wine. Also, don't chase people. You know if you have a natural affinity with a person--you click or you don't. I have a hard time with this post. I wonder if you would be happier if your DH were home more. Also...I am confused why going back to work would make it harder---I would assume it is your medical condition. From these posts, it sounds like you are desperate for attention. Please see a therapist and hire some help and get out of the house on your own!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't expect people to want to hang out on the weekends. That's family time. Or time with established friends. When my first was little and I was a new SAHM I was happy to do stuff on weekdays but weekends, no way. That was when we hung out and did family stuff. I'm not and never have attended playgroup or done play dates on weekends. You need to plan that stuff for weekdays when they need stuff to do not on weekends when they already have plans.

OP here. I get what you are saying but what if I am trying to become friends with a mom who works full-time? If you're saying no one wants to spend time with a new friend on the weekends then how do I invite full-time working moms to get together? I meet a lot of them in a church weekend playgroup I'm in.

IME you don't need to be courting the moms who work full time. They can't hang out with you like you want. They're working. You need the SAHMS if you're a SAHM because they share your schedule and need to entertain their kids.

OP here. But don't full-time working moms want mom friends too? My only mom friends happen to work full-time. I find it far easier to hang out with them (they seem more proactive about wanting to get together). Why do you say that they can't hang out the way that I want? That is not true across the board. Many working moms are interested in getting together on weekends, especially those who do not have local family and/or whose spouses have their own/hobbies that they do on weekends. The full time working mom friends that I do have fit into both these categories.

Ok op. You have a rebuttal for every single piece of advice you get. So just figure it out yourself then.

Agree. 6 pages of advice and explanations of why weekend 0laydatws don't work well for sahm, etc.

Basically, Op is in a sucky non walkable, poorly located neighborhood with no sense of community somewhere in Great Falls. She generalize that it's hard to be a sahm on the 'burbs, but it's very very very specific to her situation.

[Anonymous]

Are you the same SAHM poster that wants a beach house?

OP, I would go back to work if I were you, even if just PT. Some people love being a SAHP, but it sounds like it's not working out that well for you given your specific circumstances. I get that you work on a very PT basis from home, but you should probably get a PT gig that'll actually get you out of the house. Right now you say you're lonely, feeling depressed, and bored. You could use the social outlet of PT work, and finding a PT position might also help your mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same SAHM poster that wants a beach house?

OP, I would go back to work if I were you, even if just PT. Some people love being a SAHP, but it sounds like it's not working out that well for you given your specific circumstances. I get that you work on a very PT basis from home, but you should probably get a PT gig that'll actually get you out of the house. Right now you say you're lonely, feeling depressed, and bored. You could use the social outlet of PT work, and finding a PT position might also help your mood.

OP has a part time job.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP, I must have moved to the wrong suburb too because my situation was identical to yours. We lived in a neighborhood with big beautiful lots and houses...and unfortunately, it seemed I was the only mom my age in the area. Neighbors were mostly older and empty nesters, and the rest seemed to keep to themselves. I did my best to get out each day, going to classes, mom's group events, walked the mall, trips to the park, etc. It was isolating, boring, and lonely. I never really found any SAHMs that I clicked with, many were homebodies themselves. It was a long few years. After much debate, we eventually moved closer in...and due to the increased housing cost, I decided to go back to work. Much prefer things this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I must have moved to the wrong suburb too because my situation was identical to yours. We lived in a neighborhood with big beautiful lots and houses...and unfortunately, it seemed I was the only mom my age in the area. Neighbors were mostly older and empty nesters, and the rest seemed to keep to themselves. I did my best to get out each day, going to classes, mom's group events, walked the mall, trips to the park, etc. It was isolating, boring, and lonely. I never really found any SAHMs that I clicked with, many were homebodies themselves. It was a long few years. After much debate, we eventually moved closer in...and due to the increased housing cost, I decided to go back to work. Much prefer things this way.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your story! I can completely relate! I wish we could move, but unfortunately my husband refuses so we are stuck here, but you are right, it is isolating and very lonely to live in an area with no sense of community and nothing to walk to. I do work part-time and am looking for a second part-time job, but I probably won't go back to work full-time until my child is in Kindergarten. It would be too hard and too stressful. Anyhow, glad that your situation improved! I am hoping mine will once my child starts school.

[Anonymous]

NP. I am very happy to have a mix of both SAHM and WOHM friends, but the SAHMs are the relationships that are crucial for not going bonkers when I'm otherwise going all day with no adult interaction. Like you, I have not found classes or storytimes to be a source of interaction with other adults because you are following along with the activity, but having other parents to hang out with one on one while the kids keep each other busy is great. Weekends are not going to work as well as weekdays. People with older kids are super busy with activities, people are getting in time with extended families, plus you've got two parents to get on board with socializing at that particular time instead of just one. You don't need to have people over for dinner - just suggest coffee or lunch out like someone else said or have people over for morning coffee at 9 or 10 - put on a pot of coffee, have a couple pastries or a tray of brownies and you're done.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP I would work on my DH. He works 70 hrs. He is never there. YOU are the one living there. Family friendly was one of the most important things we looked for this house shopping go round.

Our first time we were DINKs too but just got lucky to have hit the wave of turn over in kid ages in our neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I live in MD in a far out burb with no real neighborhood. There is no option of neighborhood friends bc there are simply no house nearby. We can walk down our long driveway but we live off of a fast and fairly busy road. It sucks in so many ways and like you, we bought before we had kids. But....you can get past this. Here is what we do:

1) Go to a few classes every week that require pre registration. This means the same moms and babies are there every week and that way you get to know others. Then invite them over. It feels weird but I have invited over the moms and kids from our music and gymboree type class over at the end of every session. More times than not I hit it off with 1-2 moms in particular from that session so we continue to have playdates with them even if we are not doing the same classes. This is about YOU, not your kids. Babies and toddlers want mom and benefit from a little socialization but this is about YOU meeting people to keep YOUR sanity. Don't get confused about this.

2) You are going to drive a lot and thats ok. We don't live close to anyone or anything. We drive at least 15 minutes to anything besides a playground but but to see a friend or go to a class we often drive 30 min each way. I have early birds so we head out around 8:30 and are back in the car by 11 to be home for lunch and naps. After nap we might go out again but if we drove a lot in the AM I try to do something fun at the house.

3) Fun at the house. Buy some kid stuff. We have a baby pool, a water slide that goes in the grass, water table, play set, play house. Its fun for my kids but its also fun for kids who we invite over, which we do frequently. We host a BBQ in the summer about once a month and I invite everyone I know from all different groups...friends from a baby group I was in 2+ yrs ago, classmates at music/gymboree, moms we met once at the local playground. I think everyone has a good time! Or at least a good enough time to keep coming back! All this inviting means others invite you to their parties and you can meet more people there. I met a mom who lives 10 minutes away (amazing!) at a bday party of a mutual friend.

4) We signed both our kids up early for 'preschool'. At 2 yrs old they did 2 morning a week. This created another network of friends for them and for me. We continue at the same school for preschool and have enjoyed the social aspect of school sponsored events.

5) Agree with others about getting a hobby. I am involved with our church. Again, more friends. Invite them all to the BBQ. Get out and do other kid activities. Go to story time at the library, join a pool club, volunteer, get a babysitter and go see some old friends.

Its really about you. I make friends easily but its not always easy. Its awkward at first and I often make the first move but its ok. You do what you need to and so often people are grateful for the invitation. Get out there!!!

OP here. These are very inspiring tips! I like them.

Just wanted to make a few comments on what you discussed.

With regards to #1, we are in a lot of classes all year round, at least 3 per quarter. However, in nearly every class, it's all nannies with their toddlers. Occasionally I will meet a mom in one of these classes but most of the time they aren't very friendly. Also, I'm not sure how you have time to chat with these moms in these classes. My toddler is super active and running around, and I have to keep a super close eye on him. Also the other moms are doing the same (for example, gymnastics). I find it very difficult to have more than a 1 minute conversation at a time with anyone at these types of classes. It was much easier to socialize when my child was an infant and less mobile, but now at 2.5 he's a whirlwind of activity, so I haven't found these types of classes to be very helpful for socialization for me. He loves them, though, so we continue to do them. This summer we're in three of these types of classes.

With regard to #3, are you having these get togethers during the weekdays or on the weekends? I have only tried to invite people over on the weekends, when my husband is around so I have extra help cooking and setting up, etc. I have not been very successful in trying to invite people. They all seem super busy and decline my invites, or they do come over and it's not reciprocated. I keep thinking back to a family we invited over for a BBQ 2 months ago, we seemed to have fun but I have not heard from them since (not even a thank you email or anything). That bums me out, and my husband and I are left to wonder why.

With regards to #4, we are starting preschool early in the fall, and I am hoping to find a sense of community there and make friends. I plan to volunteer to be the room parent, so I can get to know more people since our preschool is not a co-op.

With regards to #5, I do need a hobby. My part-time job (which I do on the weekends) is fun and a nice way to do something different from SAH. But a hobby would be helpful too. Will have to think more about a social hobby I could do. I have tried different groups on meetup from time to time but found that I never really saw the same people at events, so it was harder to make new friends.

PP here. OP - I hate to say this but I think your attitude is the problem. I don't mean this to be hurtful but its clear you want things to be different so you should focus a bit more on what you can do.

I mostly plan things during the weekday and around naps. I do something for a long period of time so people can drop in and out. Never weekends. You are aiming for moms here! You don't need to cook. I put together a snack tray during nap time. Fruit, cheese, crackers, veggies, whatever. Yes, I host BBQs with my husband on weekends but these are two different events. The BBQs are more with people we know a bit better. But I'd have a stranger over to my house for a playdate.

At the second to class class you attend announce you are hosting a party on X date and everyone is invited. If only one person comes, fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same SAHM poster that wants a beach house?

OP, I would go back to work if I were you, even if just PT. Some people love being a SAHP, but it sounds like it's not working out that well for you given your specific circumstances. I get that you work on a very PT basis from home, but you should probably get a PT gig that'll actually get you out of the house. Right now you say you're lonely, feeling depressed, and bored. You could use the social outlet of PT work, and finding a PT position might also help your mood.

OP has a part time job.

I know she said she works PT, but I think this is from home. Which is why I recommended working *out of the house.*

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I am a working mom. I take my DS to classes over the weekends and love meeting other families that I click with. However it is hard to plan things spur of the moment. Because we both work, and already have a regular kids class scheduled every weekend as well as stuff we like/need to accomplish like the gym, errands, hair appts, spending time as a family, etc. not to mention nap time every afternoon we only like to plan one thing/weekend if possible so that we have downtime. So for instance we won't get a babysitter and go out with friends Fri night and then get together with a family with their kids on Sat. Or we won't plan to get together with people sat and sun, we just choose one. Sometimes that isn't possible with birthday parties and other things, but we try. And I think we are in the minority of our friends on this

Anyway, the result of this is that we end up making plans like a month or two in advance. Right now we are making plans into late August. It means a lot to us to keep with with our friends so we prioritize that, and our friends get that because most of us are in the same working family boat. We all end up planning far out!

What this means for you: if there is a working mom you want to be friends with, understand that her weekends are going to be busier than yours. It might be hard to schedule something. Don't take it personally. Just keep trying.

And, if you schedule a BBQ and only one other family comes, don't take that personally either. The families that couldn't come likely had plans they made a month or two in advance. Just keep trying.

[Anonymous]

I'm a sahm and have been for 5+ years now. Very few of my "mom friends" are WOHMs, primarily because the time I have to hang out is during the weekdays. Weekends are reserved for family time -- and alone time, for me (gym, cafe, a bit of shopping). Occasionally I go out with girlfriends for weekend dinner or work-outs + brunch, but that's not more than once/month. I would have a hard time fitting in a new friend on a weekend if the activity were child-centric, sorry to say. I'd be more likely to accept an offer that was me only, which would give my husband and son time together and me some "friend time".

I'd say my husband works at least 70+ hours/week, so I'm in a similar boat regarding being alone with child a lot. I feel lucky that I'm in a highly walkable, urban neighborhood. If I were in a suburb, then -- yes, in answer to your initial question, I think being a SAHM in suburb would be much more difficult as I would find it very isolating to live without neighbors in earshot, a park and several cafes I can reach in a couple blocks, etc. I think you are in a tough spot, but you've gotten lots of good suggestions here. I hope you find some relief!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I must have moved to the wrong suburb too because my situation was identical to yours. We lived in a neighborhood with big beautiful lots and houses...and unfortunately, it seemed I was the only mom my age in the area. Neighbors were mostly older and empty nesters, and the rest seemed to keep to themselves. I did my best to get out each day, going to classes, mom's group events, walked the mall, trips to the park, etc. It was isolating, boring, and lonely. I never really found any SAHMs that I clicked with, many were homebodies themselves. It was a long few years. After much debate, we eventually moved closer in...and due to the increased housing cost, I decided to go back to work. Much prefer things this way.

Another one here. When op said it takes 20 min to go to a decent park and preschool, i thought, is she my neighbor. I live near GF too but jot in GF. I feel isolated, I hate going out anywhere after 1pm because I have to pass through Tysons traffic, even to go to the nearest store. Most people around here are empty nesters. I invited one mom over and she said she'd come, I replied then shevstopped texting. I have no idea what happened there. I was just glad my maternity leave was over in that I don't have time to worry about that Neighbor anymore. But even on a busy schedule where I don't have the luxury of time to go out make new friends, I long for it. It feels so lonely at times. Sometimes I wonder if I picked the wrong neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to be a saint in the city.

[Anonymous]

Op, I second the suggestion of talking to your husband and moving. There are s lot of years before k and you'll be gone all of them and it won't get dramatically better if you hate your neighborhood and there are no kids there.