Is it harder to be a SAHM in the suburbs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a SAHM with a chronic health issue. I don't live in the suburbs but I understand the isolation. Hobbies are good. Do you have a yard your child can play in? Sprinkler, baby pool? We do things that involve water in the afternoons during the summer. I seldom have the energy to go out again later in the day so we might do shaving cream and water play, "washing" toys, bubbles, slip n slide. Indoor activities like play dough, puzzles, music and dancing, dress up, paint with water, etc.

Maybe instead of trying to go out again in the afternoon you can just think of some activities you can do at home to pass the time. Hope things get better for you.

OP here. Yes, these are very good ideas, many of which we haven't tried yet. Thank you! Will try some of these next week!

[Anonymous]

OP - I live in MD in a far out burb with no real neighborhood. There is no option of neighborhood friends bc there are simply no house nearby. We can walk down our long driveway but we live off of a fast and fairly busy road. It sucks in so many ways and like you, we bought before we had kids. But....you can get past this. Here is what we do:

1) Go to a few classes every week that require pre registration. This means the same moms and babies are there every week and that way you get to know others. Then invite them over. It feels weird but I have invited over the moms and kids from our music and gymboree type class over at the end of every session. More times than not I hit it off with 1-2 moms in particular from that session so we continue to have playdates with them even if we are not doing the same classes. This is about YOU, not your kids. Babies and toddlers want mom and benefit from a little socialization but this is about YOU meeting people to keep YOUR sanity. Don't get confused about this.

2) You are going to drive a lot and thats ok. We don't live close to anyone or anything. We drive at least 15 minutes to anything besides a playground but but to see a friend or go to a class we often drive 30 min each way. I have early birds so we head out around 8:30 and are back in the car by 11 to be home for lunch and naps. After nap we might go out again but if we drove a lot in the AM I try to do something fun at the house.

3) Fun at the house. Buy some kid stuff. We have a baby pool, a water slide that goes in the grass, water table, play set, play house. Its fun for my kids but its also fun for kids who we invite over, which we do frequently. We host a BBQ in the summer about once a month and I invite everyone I know from all different groups...friends from a baby group I was in 2+ yrs ago, classmates at music/gymboree, moms we met once at the local playground. I think everyone has a good time! Or at least a good enough time to keep coming back! All this inviting means others invite you to their parties and you can meet more people there. I met a mom who lives 10 minutes away (amazing!) at a bday party of a mutual friend.

4) We signed both our kids up early for 'preschool'. At 2 yrs old they did 2 morning a week. This created another network of friends for them and for me. We continue at the same school for preschool and have enjoyed the social aspect of school sponsored events.

5) Agree with others about getting a hobby. I am involved with our church. Again, more friends. Invite them all to the BBQ. Get out and do other kid activities. Go to story time at the library, join a pool club, volunteer, get a babysitter and go see some old friends.

Its really about you. I make friends easily but its not always easy. Its awkward at first and I often make the first move but its ok. You do what you need to and so often people are grateful for the invitation. Get out there!!!

[Anonymous]

PP here again. Also look for big mom groups like MOMS or MOPS. Or try meetup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I live in MD in a far out burb with no real neighborhood. There is no option of neighborhood friends bc there are simply no house nearby. We can walk down our long driveway but we live off of a fast and fairly busy road. It sucks in so many ways and like you, we bought before we had kids. But....you can get past this. Here is what we do:

1) Go to a few classes every week that require pre registration. This means the same moms and babies are there every week and that way you get to know others. Then invite them over. It feels weird but I have invited over the moms and kids from our music and gymboree type class over at the end of every session. More times than not I hit it off with 1-2 moms in particular from that session so we continue to have playdates with them even if we are not doing the same classes. This is about YOU, not your kids. Babies and toddlers want mom and benefit from a little socialization but this is about YOU meeting people to keep YOUR sanity. Don't get confused about this.

2) You are going to drive a lot and thats ok. We don't live close to anyone or anything. We drive at least 15 minutes to anything besides a playground but but to see a friend or go to a class we often drive 30 min each way. I have early birds so we head out around 8:30 and are back in the car by 11 to be home for lunch and naps. After nap we might go out again but if we drove a lot in the AM I try to do something fun at the house.

3) Fun at the house. Buy some kid stuff. We have a baby pool, a water slide that goes in the grass, water table, play set, play house. Its fun for my kids but its also fun for kids who we invite over, which we do frequently. We host a BBQ in the summer about once a month and I invite everyone I know from all different groups...friends from a baby group I was in 2+ yrs ago, classmates at music/gymboree, moms we met once at the local playground. I think everyone has a good time! Or at least a good enough time to keep coming back! All this inviting means others invite you to their parties and you can meet more people there. I met a mom who lives 10 minutes away (amazing!) at a bday party of a mutual friend.

4) We signed both our kids up early for 'preschool'. At 2 yrs old they did 2 morning a week. This created another network of friends for them and for me. We continue at the same school for preschool and have enjoyed the social aspect of school sponsored events.

5) Agree with others about getting a hobby. I am involved with our church. Again, more friends. Invite them all to the BBQ. Get out and do other kid activities. Go to story time at the library, join a pool club, volunteer, get a babysitter and go see some old friends.

Its really about you. I make friends easily but its not always easy. Its awkward at first and I often make the first move but its ok. You do what you need to and so often people are grateful for the invitation. Get out there!!!

OP here. These are very inspiring tips! I like them.

Just wanted to make a few comments on what you discussed.

With regards to #1, we are in a lot of classes all year round, at least 3 per quarter. However, in nearly every class, it's all nannies with their toddlers. Occasionally I will meet a mom in one of these classes but most of the time they aren't very friendly. Also, I'm not sure how you have time to chat with these moms in these classes. My toddler is super active and running around, and I have to keep a super close eye on him. Also the other moms are doing the same (for example, gymnastics). I find it very difficult to have more than a 1 minute conversation at a time with anyone at these types of classes. It was much easier to socialize when my child was an infant and less mobile, but now at 2.5 he's a whirlwind of activity, so I haven't found these types of classes to be very helpful for socialization for me. He loves them, though, so we continue to do them. This summer we're in three of these types of classes.

With regard to #3, are you having these get togethers during the weekdays or on the weekends? I have only tried to invite people over on the weekends, when my husband is around so I have extra help cooking and setting up, etc. I have not been very successful in trying to invite people. They all seem super busy and decline my invites, or they do come over and it's not reciprocated. I keep thinking back to a family we invited over for a BBQ 2 months ago, we seemed to have fun but I have not heard from them since (not even a thank you email or anything). That bums me out, and my husband and I are left to wonder why.

With regards to #4, we are starting preschool early in the fall, and I am hoping to find a sense of community there and make friends. I plan to volunteer to be the room parent, so I can get to know more people since our preschool is not a co-op.

With regards to #5, I do need a hobby. My part-time job (which I do on the weekends) is fun and a nice way to do something different from SAH. But a hobby would be helpful too. Will have to think more about a social hobby I could do. I have tried different groups on meetup from time to time but found that I never really saw the same people at events, so it was harder to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

You can't expect people to want to hang out on the weekends. That's family time. Or time with established friends. When my first was little and I was a new SAHM I was happy to do stuff on weekdays but weekends, no way. That was when we hung out and did family stuff. I'm not and never have attended playgroup or done play dates on weekends. You need to plan that stuff for weekdays when they need stuff to do not on weekends when they already have plans.

[Anonymous]

So what if they are nannies? In many cases these nannies have a more similar lifestyle to a SAHM than your WOHM friends. And they will have tons of awesome advice about how to get out with a kid if you aren't too snooty to associate with them.

Nobody is going to want to invest precious weekend time on a new acquaintance. They just aren't. You will likely have weekday friends who are just your friends and a separate set of weekend friends who are close to the entire family. That is fine. It's like in college where you might have dorm friends and shared-major friends or in your career when you have couple friends and work friends.

Go to these classes and announce after each one, "Hey, we are going to ______for lunch. Anybody who wants to meet us there, we'd love to have you!" It can be a nearby library or restaurant or park, but schedule classes on the early side and then have a poan for after EVERY SINGLE WEEK and announce it as an open invite. If you do this twice a week at two different classes for months on end, people will start to join in. If you find that you are having to chase your kid too much, then sign up for different classes or stop helicoptering. Does your kid truly need you following him around the padded play gym? If the playspace is truly too dangerous for him to play without you spotting him within arm's reach, then he is not ready for that class.

[Anonymous]

Get a job. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't expect people to want to hang out on the weekends. That's family time. Or time with established friends. When my first was little and I was a new SAHM I was happy to do stuff on weekdays but weekends, no way. That was when we hung out and did family stuff. I'm not and never have attended playgroup or done play dates on weekends. You need to plan that stuff for weekdays when they need stuff to do not on weekends when they already have plans.

OP here. I get what you are saying but what if I am trying to become friends with a mom who works full-time? If you're saying no one wants to spend time with a new friend on the weekends then how do I invite full-time working moms to get together? I meet a lot of them in a church weekend playgroup I'm in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a job. Problem solved.

As OP pointed out, that would make everything 100 times harder. And amen to that. One of the few SAHMs who acknowledges that staying at home is easier in general than working away from the home full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a job. Problem solved.

As OP pointed out, that would make everything 100 times harder. And amen to that. One of the few SAHMs who acknowledges that staying at home is easier in general than working away from the home full time.

OP here. Getting a job would not solve my problem (I have a part-time job, 10 hours per week that I enjoy and I do mainly on the weekends). That is enough for me. My DH works 70 hour weeks and has odd hours and works a lot of late nights so if I did work full-time our stress level would go up considerably. We would have to hire out for everything and my salary is just not worth the stress/hassle of me working full-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't expect people to want to hang out on the weekends. That's family time. Or time with established friends. When my first was little and I was a new SAHM I was happy to do stuff on weekdays but weekends, no way. That was when we hung out and did family stuff. I'm not and never have attended playgroup or done play dates on weekends. You need to plan that stuff for weekdays when they need stuff to do not on weekends when they already have plans.

OP here. I get what you are saying but what if I am trying to become friends with a mom who works full-time? If you're saying no one wants to spend time with a new friend on the weekends then how do I invite full-time working moms to get together? I meet a lot of them in a church weekend playgroup I'm in.

IME you don't need to be courting the moms who work full time. They can't hang out with you like you want. They're working. You need the SAHMS if you're a SAHM because they share your schedule and need to entertain their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't expect people to want to hang out on the weekends. That's family time. Or time with established friends. When my first was little and I was a new SAHM I was happy to do stuff on weekdays but weekends, no way. That was when we hung out and did family stuff. I'm not and never have attended playgroup or done play dates on weekends. You need to plan that stuff for weekdays when they need stuff to do not on weekends when they already have plans.

OP here. I get what you are saying but what if I am trying to become friends with a mom who works full-time? If you're saying no one wants to spend time with a new friend on the weekends then how do I invite full-time working moms to get together? I meet a lot of them in a church weekend playgroup I'm in.

IME you don't need to be courting the moms who work full time. They can't hang out with you like you want. They're working. You need the SAHMS if you're a SAHM because they share your schedule and need to entertain their kids.

OP here. But don't full-time working moms want mom friends too? My only mom friends happen to work full-time. I find it far easier to hang out with them (they seem more proactive about wanting to get together). Why do you say that they can't hang out the way that I want? That is not true across the board. Many working moms are interested in getting together on weekends, especially those who do not have local family and/or whose spouses have their own/hobbies that they do on weekends. The full time working mom friends that I do have fit into both these categories.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single working mom and it can be hard to meet other nearby moms to build connections with. When we lived in an apartment I used to take my son to the playgrounds at local fast food places. Gave me time to chat with other moms and read a book. Gave him the opportunity to play with kids his age range. Some moms you'd see again and maybe even exchange nbrs with. I thought it was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Our area doesn't have a neighborhood/community pool (probably because many houses have their own pools), our closest pool is a county rec center (indoor only) so not really a great place to meet neighbors/friends. We do take a swim class there but haven't really met anyone through the class.

Going in the opposite direction of traffic is a good idea, but still kind of a pain when everything is a 15-20 minute drive.

Making friends is really hard. Other SAHMs seem to go to these activities, but not really be interested in chatting or becoming friends. I invite people to do things all the time, and my invites are either ignored completely, or we do get together and it's never reciprocated.

I found out the only reason we get invites form certain neighbors is to get information/ recommendations on services. Yup, making friends in this area is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't expect people to want to hang out on the weekends. That's family time. Or time with established friends. When my first was little and I was a new SAHM I was happy to do stuff on weekdays but weekends, no way. That was when we hung out and did family stuff. I'm not and never have attended playgroup or done play dates on weekends. You need to plan that stuff for weekdays when they need stuff to do not on weekends when they already have plans.

OP here. I get what you are saying but what if I am trying to become friends with a mom who works full-time? If you're saying no one wants to spend time with a new friend on the weekends then how do I invite full-time working moms to get together? I meet a lot of them in a church weekend playgroup I'm in.

IME you don't need to be courting the moms who work full time. They can't hang out with you like you want. They're working. You need the SAHMS if you're a SAHM because they share your schedule and need to entertain their kids.

OP here. But don't full-time working moms want mom friends too? My only mom friends happen to work full-time. I find it far easier to hang out with them (they seem more proactive about wanting to get together). Why do you say that they can't hang out the way that I want? That is not true across the board. Many working moms are interested in getting together on weekends, especially those who do not have local family and/or whose spouses have their own/hobbies that they do on weekends. The full time working mom friends that I do have fit into both these categories.

Ok op. You have a rebuttal for every single piece of advice you get. So just figure it out yourself then.