Help! Dating question: are my expectations wrong?

[Anonymous]

If the hug is truly weak, she's not interested. But I do think people are more cautious with online dating because there are no friends or social community to validate that you are not a creep. Yes, most men are not dangerous, but one mistake can have terrible consequences. And the kind of men I want to date understand this and accommodate it in what they expect.

[Anonymous]

To the 2 pp's though:

"weak match"

"she's not interested"

Yet they text me afterward and enthusiastically are requesting and agreeing to more dates. This doesn't make sense. Could I just have ended up with very conservative/religious women?

[Anonymous]

I can understand the first date no contact you both don't even know each other. By third date without a simple kiss goodnight I would think she wasn't interested in me.
By the third date I would say "I'm really enjoying spending time with you, are you interested in have another date?" If she says yes I would lean in for a kiss.
But I met DW before internet dating. Oh and I kissed her on the first date

[Anonymous]

OMG, what has happened to our species???? Extinction seems more probable than ever.

OP, honestly, you sound like both a pussy and a moron. I am not sure which is worse. And to all, the words "dating" and "expectations", in the same sentence, usually spell failure. Guys, just ask a girl out cause you have a crush on her, she seems cool, or, she plays a mean game of golf. Or, dare I say, you would love to bang her.

Girls, despite what he says, he might just be the axe-swinging, hash-slinging psycho your Mom warned you about. Make him wait as long as you feel comfortable.
It is your body and life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the 2 pp's though:

"weak match"

"she's not interested"

Yet they text me afterward and enthusiastically are requesting and agreeing to more dates. This doesn't make sense. Could I just have ended up with very conservative/religious women?

Unlikely, they don't tend to be on non-religious online dating. More likely the physical signal was an outlier. It's hard for women to hit a very small target, enough physical connection to show interest without creating an expectation that is more than they want to do. Early dates are awkward, especially if you are used to the physical familiarity of a longterm relationship. Have pa! Hugging a new person is always a little weird.

[Anonymous]

"this is helpful (OP here). i'm not even talking sex though, or even clothes off. just talking about why a woman would be interested in continuing to date if she seems more keen on weak hugs to end the evening than a kiss on the lips. i would think that as a woman (or a man for that matter) enter their 30s, they would want to at least try and find out if there's any chemistry there around date #3 or so"

Maybe this will help. There are some men I know I want to screw. There are other men who have some characteristics I really like, or perhaps they are just likeable guys, so I think I should give them a chance even though I don't necessarily feel an attraction at first. But in the end I can't convince my animal brain to be attracted to them, so I hold back on the physical stuff (and stop seeing them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the hug is truly weak, she's not interested. But I do think people are more cautious with online dating because there are no friends or social community to validate that you are not a creep. Yes, most men are not dangerous, but one mistake can have terrible consequences. And the kind of men I want to date understand this and accommodate it in what they expect.

Terrible consequences: 20 years later, our kid just won't move out of the house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the hug is truly weak, she's not interested. But I do think people are more cautious with online dating because there are no friends or social community to validate that you are not a creep. Yes, most men are not dangerous, but one mistake can have terrible consequences. And the kind of men I want to date understand this and accommodate it in what they expect.

Terrible consequences: 20 years later, our kid just won't move out of the house!

Ha ha, you are so funny. Acquaintance rape is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op, there's a lot of variety out there. personally, in my early 30s, I definitely hold off on any significant sexual activity for at least 5 or 6 dates to ensure that we are a good personality match. if that's a problem for a guy, I'd rather move on to someone else. the personality match is more important now that I'm older and dating to marry rather than just for fun and companionship. I'm looking for an adult man who can control himself and isn't ruled by his appetites. but most important is the personality match. if I want sex I can get it easily. I'm looking for lifetime compatibility and someone who can't wait a few extra weeks isn't the kind of partner I'm interested in. so just hang in there a little longer. what's the big rush?

Because in selecting for a lifetime partner, you are deliberately depriving him of sex simply to see if he will put up with your use of sex as a weapon of control in the relationship. That's your hurdle or criteria for the man you want to partner with, since you already know you can get as much sex as you want, easily, (and must be assuming) that he can't, and is therefore, willing to put up with your little "test."

"Personality match" is your way of saying you want to ensure that you will be calling the shots forevermore in the relationship. What better way to test that out then by arbitrarily withholding sex just to see if he is passive enough to put up with that? If you can make him jump and beg for sex, then you kind of know you will be in total control of the relationship, since you can always resort to the same tactic--sex denial--at any time in the future if he is not sufficiently compliant. And that's exactly what many wives do, and why there are so many sexless marriages.

On the other hand, if you can get sex easily, that means you already have done so, probably many times over. But those sexy guys who make you lose your composure and willing to have sex on the first or second date don't fit your criteria for long term relationship because you know you can't make them beg for sex and you know they won't wait for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op, there's a lot of variety out there. personally, in my early 30s, I definitely hold off on any significant sexual activity for at least 5 or 6 dates to ensure that we are a good personality match. if that's a problem for a guy, I'd rather move on to someone else. the personality match is more important now that I'm older and dating to marry rather than just for fun and companionship. I'm looking for an adult man who can control himself and isn't ruled by his appetites. but most important is the personality match. if I want sex I can get it easily. I'm looking for lifetime compatibility and someone who can't wait a few extra weeks isn't the kind of partner I'm interested in. so just hang in there a little longer. what's the big rush?

Because in selecting for a lifetime partner, you are deliberately depriving him of sex simply to see if he will put up with your use of sex as a weapon of control in the relationship. That's your hurdle or criteria for the man you want to partner with, since you already know you can get as much sex as you want, easily, (and must be assuming) that he can't, and is therefore, willing to put up with your little "test."

"Personality match" is your way of saying you want to ensure that you will be calling the shots forevermore in the relationship. What better way to test that out then by arbitrarily withholding sex just to see if he is passive enough to put up with that? If you can make him jump and beg for sex, then you kind of know you will be in total control of the relationship, since you can always resort to the same tactic--sex denial--at any time in the future if he is not sufficiently compliant. And that's exactly what many wives do, and why there are so many sexless marriages.

On the other hand, if you can get sex easily, that means you already have done so, probably many times over. But those sexy guys who make you lose your composure and willing to have sex on the first or second date don't fit your criteria for long term relationship because you know you can't make them beg for sex and you know they won't wait for it.

Hardly. But. Running off the sad, twisted freaks like PP is merely a side benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"this is helpful (OP here). i'm not even talking sex though, or even clothes off. just talking about why a woman would be interested in continuing to date if she seems more keen on weak hugs to end the evening than a kiss on the lips. i would think that as a woman (or a man for that matter) enter their 30s, they would want to at least try and find out if there's any chemistry there around date #3 or so"

Maybe this will help. There are some men I know I want to screw. There are other men who have some characteristics I really like, or perhaps they are just likeable guys, so I think I should give them a chance even though I don't necessarily feel an attraction at first. But in the end I can't convince my animal brain to be attracted to them, so I hold back on the physical stuff (and stop seeing them).

Well, until you decide you actually want to get married. Then you deliberately target one of those compliant males that you're not really attracted to because like many women it's more important in the marital situation to have long term leverage and control over one's husband. And you make them wait for a few weeks just to ensure they are compliant, just like PP and millions of other emotionally disturbed, dysfunctional women in unhappy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Op, I hope this thread is showing you why women are cautious about online education dating. There are a lot of angry, entitled weirdos out there who spend a lot of time justifying their manipulative behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, what has happened to our species???? Extinction seems more probable than ever.

OP, honestly, you sound like both a pussy and a moron. I am not sure which is worse. And to all, the words "dating" and "expectations", in the same sentence, usually spell failure. Guys, just ask a girl out cause you have a crush on her, she seems cool, or, she plays a mean game of golf. Or, dare I say, you would love to bang her.

Girls, despite what he says, he might just be the axe-swinging, hash-slinging psycho your Mom warned you about. Make him wait as long as you feel comfortable.
It is your body and life.

What kind of hash? Corned beef? If so, gimme his number. I'm in.

[Anonymous]

I usually know the women I go out with for a while before we hit a restaurant or somewhere else. Therefore, if there is no sex on the first date, there is no second date. You would be surprised how many women have no problem with that vs. the unbearable games that a lot of people play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am not clear on why PPs think women are so desperate for men to buy them dinner tbh. If all they wanted was dinner, why would they not just go to the restaurant and buy the dinner? Why do you need a man for that part?

+1. I'd rather pay for and enjoy a dinner alone than have it paid for by a man whose company I don't enjoy.

So your default is still getting some man to pay for your dinner, but you enjoy it more if you also like the man's company. How nice for you.

Huh? Reading comprehension is not your strong suit. If a man asks me out and I didn't otherwise suggest the date, and he suggests the dinner, then yes he pays for it. If I don't enjoy his company then I won't go out with him again even if he wants to buy me a hundred more dinners. I can and will buy my own in that case.

LOL I can read fine sweetie. Your expectation is in exchange for the privilege of going out on a date with you, the man buys you a dinner. Pretty old fashioned. How many times have you had a date and paid for the man (regardless of who asked who out on the date) vs. how many times you have dated and the man has paid for you? I'd be surprised if you ever bought dinner for a man even once on a date. I'm not talking about going dutch--I'm talking about where you pay for BOTH of you. I'll bet that's happened exactly zero times. Prove me wrong sweetie pie.

No, actually you CAN'T read. We don't have to go to dinner. We can go for a coffee or hang out at the bookstore or whatever. But if he's asking then why the hell would I pay for dinner? Are you off your rocker? No wonder you're so bitter, your lack of social know how is showing. No wonder you can't get laid and hate women. Sweetie.