Help! Dating question: are my expectations wrong?

[Anonymous]

Never married, early 30s male here. Recently got out of a long term relationship. Finally taking the plunge into dating again. The last time I was single online dating was slightly less mainstream. So, this is my first time using apps like Bumble or Tinder. So far, the supply of high quality women in my target age range (27-35) is solid and I've gone on several dates. I'm going on a 2nd date today with a woman I am very attracted to and who is great "on paper" for me. That said, she (and a few others that I've met frankly) seem very cautious/conservative. I'm not looking for a hook up, but comments that these women have made make me wonder if my views on when physical stuff is supposed to happen are out of the mainstream. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting sex on the first date, or even before monogamy, but the last time I was dating (late 20s) cooking dinner and watching a movie followed with a make out session (or more) was quite common around date #3. These women are giving me the vibe that's not normal to them. Am I picking the wrong women? Has dating changed that much between late 20s and early 30s? Is it the medium (online)?

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Just a brief follow up. I almost feel like the women on these apps are either looking for sex the first night (although I screen those ones out) or looking for marriage tomorrow. Very little in between it seems. Again, this is just my early impression. Hoping for a female perspective here.

[Anonymous]

For crying out loud, just treat women as individuals and communicate. There is no "typical".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For crying out loud, just treat women as individuals and communicate. There is no "typical".

jeez. i don't think the question is that unreasonable, pp. there are things called trends, normal distributions, and typical dating behavior.

[Anonymous]

They are on guard because so many men expect sex on the first couple of dates. Many women aren't interested in sex right away -- too many sleazy guys just after one thing.

[Anonymous]

also pp, your advice is really quite bad. i would never ask the women i'm dating "what date do you think would be appropriate for you to come over and let me cook you dinner, followed by a make out session?" i mean obviously, only a socially inept person would ask that. i'm merely trying to get the vibe on whether dating is that much different in late 20s versus early to mid-30s, particularly with these new online mediums. again, hardly strikes me as an offensive or unreasonable question. sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Dude...
You ain't going on a 2nd date with all the women on these apps, you're going on a date with HER.
Focus on HER.
Pay attention to HER.
Assess your relationship with HER based on HER thoughts/actions/attitudes and set your expectations according to the signals/feedback coming from HER.
Calm down stop stressing and have fun...with HER.

[Anonymous]

I'm your age and it probably takes me about 5 dates to get comfortable with a house visit on average. I kiss on the second date if there's chemistry. Not hard and fast rules but guys who hint at coming over early on usually turn me off.

[Anonymous]

A woman in her 30s probably has better expectations for herself and her date than dinner, chill , and make out especially if she's like many women in that age group who are seriously thinking of finding a husband and potential husband before 35.

If you're looking for a more movie and chill type relationship you might have better luck with a mid to late 20 something who still feels she has all the time in the world.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, the same guys who expect you to put out on a second date are the same guys who freak out if you're anything less than a virginal angel....with porn star skills in bed.

I had a second date with a guy recently which ended with 45 minutes of making out at his place. When I left without going further, he seemed disappointed. Sure enough, a few days later I get a text saying we didn't have the right "chemistry" and he didn't want to see me again. sure, sweetie. whatever you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm your age and it probably takes me about 5 dates to get comfortable with a house visit on average. I kiss on the second date if there's chemistry. Not hard and fast rules but guys who hint at coming over early on usually turn me off.

+1. There is just too much crazy out there to have a house visit (for me) in the first few dates. Guys that hint too early about coming over to cook I think that is code for I want to have sex right away and don't want to take you out on a date. So I'm thinking at best he is cheap and looking for a booty call. At worst, hey I don't know this guy so I may want to make out but not have sex but how do I know he will stop and either leave or let me leave when it is time to go. I had a friend where the guy was dropping her off at her house after the date and was belligerent when she wouldn't let him come inside the house.

So anyway, I think you have to be able to judge chemistry in the first few dates without necessarily going to each other's home. Let her take the lead on the home invitation if it is the early stages lest you come on too strong. Once you are actually dating (versus going on dates) the house dates make sense. If it is established that we really enjoy each other's company and this is date 5 or 6, I personally would expect us to move towards the hanging out to spend time versus always going out to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the same guys who expect you to put out on a second date are the same guys who freak out if you're anything less than a virginal angel....with porn star skills in bed.

I had a second date with a guy recently which ended with 45 minutes of making out at his place. When I left without going further, he seemed disappointed. Sure enough, a few days later I get a text saying we didn't have the right "chemistry" and he didn't want to see me again. sure, sweetie. whatever you say.

That was you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the same guys who expect you to put out on a second date are the same guys who freak out if you're anything less than a virginal angel....with porn star skills in bed.

I had a second date with a guy recently which ended with 45 minutes of making out at his place. When I left without going further, he seemed disappointed. Sure enough, a few days later I get a text saying we didn't have the right "chemistry" and he didn't want to see me again. sure, sweetie. whatever you say.

"Making out" for 45 minutes? You mean foreplay. Look, you're not in high school anymore. Either have sex with the guy or not. Of course the guy moved on. You're playing games.

[Anonymous]

Op, you were in a long term relationship that didn't lead to marriage. They will wonder if you string women along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never married, early 30s male here. Recently got out of a long term relationship. Finally taking the plunge into dating again. The last time I was single online dating was slightly less mainstream. So, this is my first time using apps like Bumble or Tinder. So far, the supply of high quality women in my target age range (27-35) is solid and I've gone on several dates. I'm going on a 2nd date today with a woman I am very attracted to and who is great "on paper" for me. That said, she (and a few others that I've met frankly) seem very cautious/conservative. I'm not looking for a hook up, but comments that these women have made make me wonder if my views on when physical stuff is supposed to happen are out of the mainstream. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting sex on the first date, or even before monogamy, but the last time I was dating (late 20s) cooking dinner and watching a movie followed with a make out session (or more) was quite common around date #3. These women are giving me the vibe that's not normal to them. Am I picking the wrong women? Has dating changed that much between late 20s and early 30s? Is it the medium (online)?

Any advice would be appreciated.

FFS, if you aren't having sex with these chicks by date #3, MOVE ON. If you're supply of "high quality" women is so good, why would you waste your time otherwise?