Help! Are my husband and I being unreasonable or are my in-laws expecting too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of you should have gone to the wedding. But, that has nothing to do with the kids' party. You need to learn to establish boundaries with your ILs NOW. You think things are difficult n ow, wait until you have kids.......

+1

Lots of sidetrack posts here focused more on that wedding. It's over and done, folks. Yeah, one of the two should have attended while the other (understandably) stayed with the dog.

But the in-laws also should not make OP and spouse pay and pay for it for years to come.

Totally agree with this PP that you and yours need to establish boundaries. I think that if you go to this party, they'll expect you to be at the next one, and the preschool "graduation ceremony" and the soccer championship and who knows what else in coming years. This time I'd send balloons as someone suggested (or another great gift for the kids, something that will be a big deal on the day itself) and give a very cheery "Sorry we can't be there, but we're sure thinking of you!" response. You do not owe anyone an explanation beyond "That doesn't work for us." They snark? That doesn't work for us. Why can't you come?! It doesn't work for us. Then change the topic or be busy enough that it's time to get off the phone.

I really would prepare in advance for the cold shoulder or the hot blow-up. Think ahead about what you both plan to say to that, so you are not responding off the cuff if there's an angry call or snarky text. Be ready to be cool and calm because drama Does Not Work for Us. And remember: Texts do NOT require instant replies, despite the fact most of us act as if they do; calls do not have to be picked up but can be left for a call-back later; e-mails don't have to be answered immediately. If you anticipate a fuss over not attending this party, then reply on your terms, in your time. Do send the kids stuff, remember birthdays and holidays with cards and gifts, send cards etc. to the kids for no reason at all except "I'm thinking of you and this Elmo card talks! Wow!" The in-laws will never be able to say you ignore the kids and you will be able to establish boundaries before you have any yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I meant "be able to establish boundaries before you have any KIDS yourself" -- left out the kids so it sounds like you need boundaries! Sorry, OP. The boundaries are for the in-laws, not you!

[Anonymous]

An invitation is not a summons. If you don't want to go, then don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have driven farther than that for short events too. I once drive my kids to a Pokemon competition six hours away and drive home same day, NBD.

Because it was for YOUR kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twins have to be the first grandkids. This is something that new parents expect when there are no other kids in the family. Once you have kids there is no way your in-laws are going to drive their, by then, 8 or 9 year old twins to your kids two year old birthday party. They will have other sports, dance, music, school birthday parties to go to. I was just thinking about his the other day. My oldest brother had big birthday parties for his oldest and every extended relative went and brought huge gifts (including me). By the time my kids rolled around, I am lucky to get the grandparents to come. He and his wife and kids don't show up. Really, don't go. The twins will never remember who was there, they won't even remember the party. No one will ever look at those birthday pictures in a few years. It is silly to drive 7 hours for that.

Good point.

Yup, this. This is new parent/new grandparent territory. Once your kids come, OP, you will be getting the scraps, because that's how this works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In response to 18:21, we did not miss the party hosts wedding! It was my husband's brothers wife's brother whose wedding we missed.

Wtf. Are you even related to that person?

[Anonymous]

I would consider the invitation a "courtesy" in that they wanted you to feel included but don't really expect you to come. I would go visit another weekend (soon) when you can really spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not happy happy if you missed my wedding because of a dog injury. Now, you will basically need to attend this party to make up for this.

"husbands brothers sister-in-laws wedding"??? just how far does the family "obligation" extend??? you were probably fine to miss it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons. If you don't want to go, then don't go.

This. Not a big deal, plus she had an emergency. Our pets are family and I wouldn't leave either if that happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have twin niece/nephew who are about to turn two. We were invited to their birthday party but it is three and a half hours away. The birthday party is only 2 hours. So, we would be in the car for 7 hours for a two-hour birthday party, and that is without traffic. We already explored options of going up the day before and spending the night or going up earlier the day of the party. The party is on a Sunday at a children's gymnastics type place. If we went to the party we would not get home until about 7p.m. at the earliest, depending on traffic. My in-laws are the type of people that expect attendance at every family function unless you have a major conflict. For example, my husband and I had to miss my husbands brothers sister-in-laws wedding because our dog got hit in the eye with a tennis ball and needed emergency care. This caused a huge fight between my husband and his brother for a long time. We do not want to ruffle any feathers but we feel it is unreasonable for them to expect us to drive 7 hours total for a two hour party. My husband's parents are driving up that morning but they do not have to get up early the next day to go to work. Additionally, they are going up early despite my husband's brother making it clear that they do not want guests over before the party. Opinions? Thanks!

Your husband doesn't need a brother like that. After that I would put him on the back burner, if that's how he reacted to an emergency you had. I wouldn't go to a kids party that far away, lol; that's crazy.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. And I would have missed that wedding too for my dog.

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand why this is even a post. Be a grown-up, and do what you want to do, and don't let it bother you if ILs clutch their pearls.

[Anonymous]

OP, you absolutely can, and should, skip the party without guilt. You have no obligation to attend. And as for the idiots giving you a hard time about the wedding situation, I think Spaceballs put it best:

Dark Helmet: There is something you should know about us, Lone Star.

Lone Starr: What?

Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

Lone Starr: What's that make us?

Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing!

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, who cares that you missed someone's wedding you're not even related too. Why can't you go up the night before for the bday party? I think it depends on how much time/effort you want to put into the family. If it's too much then tell them you can't make it. You don't have to tell them why. It's none of their business. My MIL tried pulling that on us, wanting us to tell the entire family why we couldn't make a family event. We had a good reason (pre-planned/paid for vacation before family event was announced), but frankly it's our business.

[Anonymous]

Why would you care what your ILs expect/think about this? Just make your choices and live them.