Economics of Dating a Divorced Man w/ 2 noncustodial kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BF make $250k but pays alimony and child support to his 2 kids, ages 7 and 9. His ex-wife is a SAHM (does not work and has no skills or education). I haven't met his kids yet but they seem great and would be great stepbrothers to our future LOs. BF fully expects to pay for his kids' colleges, as he should. I haven't asked BF his monthly budget, but I'm seriously worried about getting really serious with him, marrying, and having 2 kids of our own and struggling because of his kids and alimony. I make $120k. I wonder if I should I get out before we get too serious.

For one his ex should be going back to work, and alimony dropped. There is no reason for her to be home if she is healthy. The kids are school age. I would be concerned your bf agreed to this.

How long does she get the alimony for?

His kids are going to be pretty old by the time you have kids. You never know what the situation will be. They may resent or not like your own, (or you) this happens a lot. You may not like his. I had a friend who got along ok with his kids when they were little, BUT that changed, it got to the point neither liked each other well into adult hood. His kids may not want their dad making more babies, nor the ex. This can make for miserable times for all involved when his kids are visiting.

I've seen very FEW blended families that work, so please research it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't she get increased alimony and child support once you add your salary to your DH's?

I can't stand it when women get alimony like this.

Yup. She will definitely try. Don't marry, OP.

OP maybe you should talk to a lawyer if you get serious about this guy. I am not sure you are getting correct advice on this thread. I'd be very surprised if one gets increased alimony because of an ex's new marriage partner's salary.

Anecdotal evidence is out there, but I second talk to a lawyer (if you decide to marry after all). In the alimony topic everyone is like "it's our common income," here it's not all of a sudden. If a woman loses alimony when she re-marries, I don't see why the man wouldn't lose out if he married and his "common" income went up Just speculating, of course.

Yes, I believe you can lose alimony due to remarriage. But I don't think an ex has to pay more in alimony because they marry someone with an income.

[Anonymous]

Do some serious thinking ahead. Are you going to feel when your family is struggling financially and you are working your a** off while his ex sits on her a** and collects his earnings? F that.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you date him if he made $100k and had 2 kids and no payments to ex wife? What is your income cut off for a man you'd consider dating?

Before someone jumps on me, my income cut off for a man I'd date is "self-sufficient" and "lives within his means".

[Anonymous]

OP go on steptalk.org. You may learn a lot.

[Anonymous]

Just want to post to the woman who married the man with two kids, now has two of her own and plans for all six regarding vacations, home purchase and car purchase: your husband and all of those children are very lucky to have you. It sounds like you married a good guy but it sounds like he won the jackpot with a woman who loves and accepts all his children, which isn't easy. I'm a first wife and my exhusband's second wife was so vindictive to us that my kids eventually lost contact with their dad. (Let's put it this way: she tried to cut me off of his employer health insurance while he and I were still married!) Many men sacrifice their kids at the altar of the second wife. Your husband found a wife who is not only helping him raise them all but is teaching all of them the importance of family.

To the OP, if you can behave like this poster, then go for it. If you love him and want to marry him, you can do it-- but you will have to make sacrifices: you will not be able to stay at home, you will have to plan for all the kids for summers/ weekends and college savings, you will split income and inheritances (his retirement funds may already be split) and, significantly, your time with your husband will be compromised by their lives forever. You will also gain his children, a man who loves you and it sounds like the children you desire. If that doesn't work for you, then get out now because it doesn't get better: the divorce rate for remarriage is higher than first marriages.

[Anonymous]

My situation is a bit different, but may have enough similarities that OP finds it helpful.

I married a man with two kids from his prior marriage. He pays child support (but not alimony) and 50% of kids fees, medical expenses, etc. I have to be honest that this is a.l.o.t. more money than I would have predicted, so you might keep this in mind. He does not pay alimony and (just speaking for me) that one might bug me. The kids are expensive but they are just that (kids.) The expenses are temporary. Alimony is harder for me to swallow... Is it forever? Would it mean that you could not be at home with your kids? All of this might be troubling to you; once you have kids, you'd be surprised how hard it is to work the job and be the mom you want to be... Will your flexibility be limited because of the alimony? These could be sources of trouble.

When BF says he wants to pay for their college, does he mean 100%? Did he go to private schools and/or picture his kids at private schools? Does he picture his XW or his kids contributing anything? Has he planned for this expense? In case you are not aware, private colleges cost $60K _a year._ Prices are only expected to go up.

My DH was quite passive after his divorce. He just paid their bills with very little inquiry. I think he felt like it was his responsibility (of course this is good), but didn't exert much input or even questioning about whether they were really splitting fees 50/50, etc. (this is not good when it becomes both of your money on the line). If your BF is like this, you can expect tension and unhappiness--and some of it from your partner--because this kind of change is not easy for all to absorb and not easily handled by someone who is essentially afraid of his XW.

My DH and I started seeing a couples counselor. We started seeing her pre-engagement, both because neither of us wanted to see ourselves tangled up in another unhealthy relationship headed for another divorce. This counselor has been enormously helpful and helping us understand what issues are affecting us as a couple and how we might tackle them constructively as a couple. I would also point out that if your BF is not interested in this now, that may be a sign that he wouldn't be open to it down the line either. So I'd wholeheartedly encourage you to try this route, to explore some of these issues and how you might resolve them as a couple.

I married mine and I think he's a wonderful person. I hope you find happiness but I think you want to have your eyes open.

[Anonymous]

OP, after reading this thread, I don't see why you'd want to continue dating him. The posters who married divorced guys with kids seem hopelessly entangled in other people's lives.

If you really want to marry him, for gawd's sake go to a lawyer and get a very thorough prenup. The odds of a second marriage lasting about about 1/3 of a first marriage. With kinds of financial and family pressures already established by the other posters, I'd put the chance of success at maybe 1/5!

Think carefully and treat yourself to a long, long engagement -- and keep that retirement contribution at the maximum level. You'll need it when you're single again.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to post to the woman who married the man with two kids, now has two of her own and plans for all six regarding vacations, home purchase and car purchase: your husband and all of those children are very lucky to have you. It sounds like you married a good guy but it sounds like he won the jackpot with a woman who loves and accepts all his children, which isn't easy. I'm a first wife and my exhusband's second wife was so vindictive to us that my kids eventually lost contact with their dad. (Let's put it this way: she tried to cut me off of his employer health insurance while he and I were still married!) Many men sacrifice their kids at the altar of the second wife. Your husband found a wife who is not only helping him raise them all but is teaching all of them the importance of family.

To the OP, if you can behave like this poster, then go for it. If you love him and want to marry him, you can do it-- but you will have to make sacrifices: you will not be able to stay at home, you will have to plan for all the kids for summers/ weekends and college savings, you will split income and inheritances (his retirement funds may already be split) and, significantly, your time with your husband will be compromised by their lives forever. You will also gain his children, a man who loves you and it sounds like the children you desire. If that doesn't work for you, then get out now because it doesn't get better: the divorce rate for remarriage is higher than first marriages.

It's easy to blame the new wife because it's painful to admit the ex husband is more invested in his new life.
No one can force a husband to not see his kids. She may be vindictive, but there's a bigger reality here.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming that he knows you want more kids and wants the same.

I'm married to a man with one kid from a previous marriage, child support, but no alimony.

The money situation is hard -- my suggestions would be to make sure he has a realistic idea of his available income and lives within his means and that he has some idea of how to pay for college and how much it will be.

Also do you plan to work after you have kids? If yes, is it a job that you can continue full-time after kids and can you cover daycare on your income and what's left of your BF's income? If not, can you BF's income support you staying home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it because once you marry him if something hallens to that man (gets ill, loses job etc) you will be responsible for supporting those kids and possibly the ex-wife. That would be too much for me.

Ummm, no.. what world do you live in? She would not be responsible for supporting his children if something happens to him (i.e. dies, etc.) Child support responsibility does not extend to the second wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may not be liable, but his payments will increase as soon as ex-wife sniffs a second income coming LOL

OP, stay single and date. (Maybe you can even live together without getting married, unless there's some wacko common law marriage regulations where you are.) You can at least protect your income.

child support does not increase based on the income of a second wife. Child support is not based off of HHI. It is based on his income alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather date a man paying child support for his kids than one who resents the obligation and tries to weasel out of supporting his kids.

A man that pays child support is a man that lives up to his responsibilities. That is precisely who I would want to marry.

Sounds like a child's post. It's the law, his paycheck would be garnished so men do not have a choice these days.

Finding a man that stayed with his family and married to begin with is the responsible one. You should try for the guy that isn't divorced, who has a stable foundation not filled with divorces and kids.

man-blaming here! Do you understand that men do not have a choice in divorce? When the wife decides to leave him (for what ever reason) the man can not force her to stay. The double standard here is that when woman files for divorce the man is tagged as 'having left his family.'

[Anonymous]

OP This goes for everyone, but make sure you both agree that no one moves into your home unless you BOTH agree to it. My friend's husband moved in his grown son and wife because they were having a house built. It was outrageous because she had no say. Long story, her husband ended up needing chemo etc. so she told him to have his grown kids help.

That goes for bitter bm's who try to pawn the kids off after fighting for and getting custody. Only you and dh get to decide who lives with you. Another lady I knew made it clear her husband's son couldn't never live with them because she didn't trust him with her daughter because of problems. He also agreed. There are all kinds of issues out there

If it does get serious you need to make sure both are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, after reading this thread, I don't see why you'd want to continue dating him. The posters who married divorced guys with kids seem hopelessly entangled in other people's lives.

If you really want to marry him, for gawd's sake go to a lawyer and get a very thorough prenup. The odds of a second marriage lasting about about 1/3 of a first marriage. With kinds of financial and family pressures already established by the other posters, I'd put the chance of success at maybe 1/5!

Think carefully and treat yourself to a long, long engagement -- and keep that retirement contribution at the maximum level. You'll need it when you're single again.

Good luck!

Gosh! I know. I wouldn't want to marry a single mom either. These men and women made their choices long ago. Nobody should get involved with them.