Economics of Dating a Divorced Man w/ 2 noncustodial kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't say how long you have been with him.

I can't believe people marry people that have zero job skills/education.

Most men don't care, that's the reality. I will bet his ex is set for life and knows it.

[Anonymous]

This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

[Anonymous]

OP, he's damaged goods. He chose his life partner, so he has to pay for it. Probably for the rest of his life. Why on earth would you agree to be part of that is beyond me. I'd rather be a single mom and collect child support than support somebody else's children. I'm not dying to drop mine in daycare so his can go to college. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't say how long you have been with him.

I can't believe people marry people that have zero job skills/education.

Most men don't care, that's the reality. I will bet his ex is set for life and knows it.

Oh, they care. By then, it's too late though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it because once you marry him if something hallens to that man (gets ill, loses job etc) you will be responsible for supporting those kids and possibly the ex-wife. That would be too much for me.

She would never be legally liable for supporting the kids or the ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

Wow thanks for sharing. Your hhi is much higher than ours will be and frankly your life doesn't sound that easy. I admire you for making it work and you obviously live your DH. But I'm not sure I can share my future children's resources or even give up European vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it because once you marry him if something hallens to that man (gets ill, loses job etc) you will be responsible for supporting those kids and possibly the ex-wife. That would be too much for me.

She would never be legally liable for supporting the kids or the ex wife.

When my BIL lost his job his child support obligation did not magically disappear and the only income was his wife's wnd his exwife was not trying to hear shit about reducing the amount until he got nother job. I wouldn't be bothered with this man because not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it because once you marry him if something hallens to that man (gets ill, loses job etc) you will be responsible for supporting those kids and possibly the ex-wife. That would be too much for me.

She would never be legally liable for supporting the kids or the ex wife.

When my BIL lost his job his child support obligation did not magically disappear and the only income was his wife's wnd his exwife was not trying to hear shit about reducing the amount until he got nother job. I wouldn't be bothered with this man because not me.

Of course it doesn't magically change. You file.

[Anonymous]

She may not be liable, but his payments will increase as soon as ex-wife sniffs a second income coming LOL

OP, stay single and date. (Maybe you can even live together without getting married, unless there's some wacko common law marriage regulations where you are.) You can at least protect your income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

Wow thanks for sharing. Your hhi is much higher than ours will be and frankly your life doesn't sound that easy. I admire you for making it work and you obviously live your DH. But I'm not sure I can share my futurep children's resources or even give up European vacations.

If this is OP, you have your answer. Do NOT go into this unless you can accept that you will have 4 kids just as much as your husband will. You need to treat his kids the same as yours, and share your resources equally. For example, you have to take all the kids on vacation, not just yours. I grew up as one of 4 and our family vacations were almost always Ocean City, MD. We went to FL a couple times, but drove. Airfare for 6 is really expensive, even with an upper middle class income. There was definitely no Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

Wow thanks for sharing. Your hhi is much higher than ours will be and frankly your life doesn't sound that easy. I admire you for making it work and you obviously live your DH. But I'm not sure I can share my futurep children's resources or even give up European vacations.

If this is OP, you have your answer. Do NOT go into this unless you can accept that you will have 4 kids just as much as your husband will. You need to treat his kids the same as yours, and share your resources equally. For example, you have to take all the kids on vacation, not just yours. I grew up as one of 4 and our family vacations were almost always Ocean City, MD. We went to FL a couple times, but drove. Airfare for 6 is really expensive, even with an upper middle class income. There was definitely no Europe.

+1. I'm in the same situation but my HHI is lower. Remember that even though only 2 will be "your" kids, your husband will have 4 kids. Not only do our finances take a hit (as well they should: I'd have no respect for a man who didn't fully support his children), but logisitics can be nightmarish as well: our vacations are dictated by the older children's activities/school/etc and holidays get complicated. When my parents were living in Hawaii temporarily, we couldn't afford to go visit for Christmas because of the extra expense of the two older children. Even something as simple as bedroom configuration in our house got complicated. The day we brought our second home from the hospital my husband had to drop us off and immediately leave to go pick up his kids because it was his weekend and their mother needed the child care. I am fine with all of the above because I made the choice to marry an involved father. But it's not always easy!

[Anonymous]

Move on OP!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

OH NO, another person claiming they are poor w/ a HHI of $500K a year....please venture outside the bubble of DC! OP you make $120K a year, that is darn good money and I know families who support 2 plus children on that and *gasp* live in the DC metro area! You really need to decide what is important to you? If you love this man, there should be NO issues in deciding to move forward w/ him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll take him.

-1! Even if economics aren't a factor, distraction and lack of bonding is. Choose someone single without kids. There are plenty out there. This guy already has a bad track record. All you're setting yourself up for is to be the forgotten middle ex!

+1

Many young friends who have married divorced guys with kids have told me the same. Move on, OP.

[Anonymous]

He swore to spend his life with someone else, and had a family with them. You will be getting half of him, and less than half of his money.