Economics of Dating a Divorced Man w/ 2 noncustodial kids

[Anonymous]

I would much rather date a man paying child support for his kids than one who resents the obligation and tries to weasel out of supporting his kids.

A man that pays child support is a man that lives up to his responsibilities. That is precisely who I would want to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather date a man paying child support for his kids than one who resents the obligation and tries to weasel out of supporting his kids.

A man that pays child support is a man that lives up to his responsibilities. That is precisely who I would want to marry.

Well, good for you. I wouldn't want to marry a man whose responsibility is to another woman's children, but to each her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather date a man paying child support for his kids than one who resents the obligation and tries to weasel out of supporting his kids.

A man that pays child support is a man that lives up to his responsibilities. That is precisely who I would want to marry.

Sounds like a child's post. It's the law, his paycheck would be garnished so men do not have a choice these days.

Finding a man that stayed with his family and married to begin with is the responsible one. You should try for the guy that isn't divorced, who has a stable foundation not filled with divorces and kids.

[Anonymous]

I will argue after a certain age, the pool of men without kids begins to narrow up and the remaining men have (on average) more problems than the men with kids. Now if you are fine with not having kids, that's OK, but if one of your stated goals is to have kids and have a somewhat involved father, you may have to compromise. There are ways to compromise wisely and ways to not compromise wisely.

[Anonymous]

Alimony does not last for life. $250k is a lot of money. I know not for this board but, for most people. Even if he had to give his ex $100k a year, I think you can probably have a very nice life with him on what's left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it because once you marry him if something hallens to that man (gets ill, loses job etc) you will be responsible for supporting those kids and possibly the ex-wife. That would be too much for me.

1) buy disability insurance
2) If his economic circumstances change considerably, so would the support. I don't know about alimony....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

You nee to learn how to budget better. We managed a Europen vacation on an HHI of $150k.

+1 on this. I am a single mom making $150k; I was able to take my kids on two caribbean vacations last year. I am also saving for college and maxing out my 401k. And I still have one in aftercare. I don't get alimony.

PP needs some professional help with budgeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it because once you marry him if something hallens to that man (gets ill, loses job etc) you will be responsible for supporting those kids and possibly the ex-wife. That would be too much for me.

1) buy disability insurance
2) If his economic circumstances change considerably, so would the support. I don't know about alimony....

That's where he would get a court modification. She would not be supporting his kids, they can't garnish her income. Of course anything with his name on it they can take or put a lien on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

You nee to learn how to budget better. We managed a Europen vacation on an HHI of $150k.

Do you also pay tuition out of pocket for two kids in college? Do you pay alimony to a third adult? Are you a family of six when you go on vacation to Europe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

Excessive? NP here, but my husband's kids live with their mother and are with us every other weekend plus 8 weeks in the summer. Of course our house and car decisions were impacted! And our vacations include them and our younger children. What, they are not supposed to vacation with their father? Only his new kids get to go?

[Anonymous]

Well let's be realistic here. $250k is a good salary but not "supporting 2 families in DC" kind of good. Since his first priority legally has to be them, I think if you continue with this relationship, you should go into it knowing that you will be funding most of your big expenses regarding YOUR children on your own. Including saving for college. $120k isn't bad. You can probably do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't say how long you have been with him.

I can't believe people marry people that have zero job skills/education.

Most men don't care, that's the reality. I will bet his ex is set for life and knows it.

Oh, they care. By then, it's too late though

Exactly. But this is what happens when you think with your little head all the time, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

Excessive? NP here, but my husband's kids live with their mother and are with us every other weekend plus 8 weeks in the summer. Of course our house and car decisions were impacted! And our vacations include them and our younger children. What, they are not supposed to vacation with their father? Only his new kids get to go?

It sounds like the older kid made a last, desperate attempt to get his dad to be his dad, and instead this was called "antics" and shut down. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Can't she get increased alimony and child support once you add your salary to your DH's?

I can't stand it when women get alimony like this.